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Christmas Decompression, 25DEC – an email letter to that first trusted friend…

I am starting to decompress from this whirlwind month/year. But I am not planning to scale back my journey – it has just begun. I have so much work to do figuring out where the Lord is leading me…I really am looking forward when we can sit down for a solid chunk of time to talk.

I have been wondering if this recent flood of Christmas spiritual gifts will continue. You asked on Tuesday – “what is going on with you?” and yeah – there is something so unmistakably real going on with me…  Once I dumped my diatribe of issues down and later shared them with you – the flood gate waters opened in my parched desert and wow… my heart overloaded, overflowed, I got Christmas coming out all over!   It almost wants me to forget about those nagging questions and just go with it hook line and sinker… almost… but I am still wanting to catch my brain up – I am wanting to research – to consult the biblical scholars – I don’t know where this will take me…  or maybe I will never figure it out – but my heart is so filled with the spirit that never in my life have I ever felt so ready to accept/justify/believe what the Lord is showing me is truth.

As much as I am ready – I have to say though that today’s God sighting was unexpected…  I opened a gift from my cousin (he and I share our birthdays one day apart in the same year – he always picks out or makes the most amazing gift for me – he is the one who puts the most effort into my gift every year.  we have a super special bond and I always love his gift)…  and today I opened his present – and wow – I have attached a photo – this beautiful cross necklace and matching earrings that he made specially with me in mind…  my heart skipped a beat because he wouldn’t have known about my recent journey (I have told only five or six trusted souls I have had a flood of spiritual growth – without telling even them what the spiritual growth was/is) … my heart skipped a beat because I don’t yet feel worthy to wear this in all truth and spirit – I want to be – I so so want to be, more than anything – but not yet, I am still journeying – I am still too questioning – ugh – I’ve never been so ready and yet – I have my work cut out for me – actually I should say that God has His work cut out for Himself with me…  please pray me some luck…whether it is a sign or not – I take it as a sign that God is pushing me harder than ever…

That said – I do have a tremendous blessing coming – I am ready to open that VBS shipment in the next week – I guess there is no need to worry about the Christmas let down – a blessing in a box is waiting for me!

Thanks for listening – allowing my mind to speak confidentially while setting it down on “paper”. I have so slowly found been given the right words to share what is on my heart about my spiritual journey… you think it is funny that I am questioning Jesus but believe 99.44% in the holy spirit?  hmmm….

I sat with one of our mutual friends and I was wondering if the words would come that time – but they didn’t -and I knew that my journey was/is still too private to share with most of the world. It’s actually easier to tell strangers than those closest to me.  I have found it easier and easier to open up and share – and I pray that I will eventually be able to share my revelations in real, meaningful ways and I will not off-handedly want to blast them to the world…there is no eureka here and why should there be – everyone’s path is uniquely their own.  I found, with the exception of Sunday school, that my words have come in short private one-on-one conversations. Maybe that is why God is having me write this journey down…

 

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Midnight God Sighting Reflections,  Dec 24^th– 25^th

I got Santa to pause to sit down for a cup of tea after the gifts were placed under the tree – I appreciate this year – I appreciate the time now to sit and have a cup of tea and bask in the glow from the lighted tree – an undecorated tree – but lighted – and so fragrant and soothing. It’s almost midnight now – all is still and quiet – I am going to work hard this next year to keep this Christmas spirit alive in me all year round.

I did the most important things at Christmas – but not all the things you normally want to do…  the tree is up but barely ten ornaments?  I did hang one this year – one of my kids together as babes in arms – really that is the only ornament I need to hang on my tree – they ARE my life – my tree is rooted in loving family and I never want my kids to forget how much their family loves them and how much I love them.

My God sightings for today are a selection of miracles – earthy miracles that I have witnessed with my own eyes:

1)  I delivered a poinsettia to a woman who has been battling an incurable disease – on her second liver and no one is more of a fighter than her.  Today when I brought the plant to her and her family, she was cleaning her oven…  last time a similar situation, I visited her one week out of the hospital with doctors baffled at her recovery off her deathbed – after a moving prayer service for her – well, I visited her and when I recounted her condition later to friends, they gravely asked “how is she?” – I said: “she’s doing laundry!!!”… up and kicking…  laundry, cleaning the oven – preparing Christmas dinner for a family who needs her so much…she is my hero…

2) I sat right behind another medical miracle in church today – a survivor of a rare heart surgery – only very few have had it done – his whole family was together for Christmas – pure, pure joy to see them all together!

3) I sat near another miracle near me in the church service – a young man who survived a life-threatening infection just months earlier – such a scary time for his family. Today, the joy of seeing him – a miracle.

4) Another miracle at the living nativity – I met a young man recovered from a terrible accident… a man on “Bonus time” as he puts it.

There were likely so many other miracles right around me that didn’t occur to me to notice today – miracles so commonplace that we forget they are miracles, but they are…

I so appreciate the miracle of laughter and love – the bonding in families and in our church families. we are truly blessed in how we feel so much a part of THE family – especially this time of year when we see so many friends. I even had real sit down conversations with some great friends over the last few days – that feels like a miracle – to pause and talk.    I so appreciated the hugs – I must have had at least 25 tonight alone – plus the hugs from the whole week – I had hugs at work – hugs at church – hugs with friends – hugs at home.  If a picture can speak a thousand words, then a hug – placed at the right time can speak a thousand pictures – that’s a million words. Hugs of hello – hugs of love – hugs of understanding – hugs of sorrow – hugs of good bye…

Reflect on the miracles, reflect on the hugs. Then be ready to see some more – because God is good ALL YEAR…

Thanks for allowing me to share my God sightings and I am sending a virtual hug to you all!

Merry Christmas.

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Christmas Eve Labor, 24Dec

 

It’s Christmas Eve, what was Mary doing? Ah yeah, she was in labor… I am sure her pain was less then my labor pain,  I hope it was. Yes, her unfathomable pain came later, knowing the pain that her son would have to endure during his life and the pain at the end. His public display of physical and emotional pain, no question it caused her the most emotional pain anyone  – and any mother – could have. Watching your own son tortured and crucified…none of us can even imagine her pain.

Labor pain – that I can understand – I did have two babies…and vividly remember the labors. The pain in labor is anticipatory, starts so subtle, becomes more regular, more intense…you know it’s coming, you brace yourself. The labor pain for my son, my second child, blocked out any emotions and as I writhed in agony in the car at 5am, I never gave my first born a kiss goodbye as she was being dropped off at a friend’s house. Oh, how I regretted that when I was being wheeled into an emergency c-section… Oh my agony that I might die here on this table, and I hadn’t given her a kiss goodbye. Emotional agony worse than labor pain. Ten years later, I try to never forget to give her or my son a hug goodbye. The power of love transcends all pain.

I had the blessing in the last three days to have God place three babies in my care, physically or emotionally…but really God was placing the trust of the parents in my care…awaking me to ease their pain…not labor pain, but emotional stress… The first baby was a toddler, cute but wriggly, totally in the need of entertainment during church… a baby of a friend of a friend…used my cute red dangly earrings, got to play ‘dropsies’, smart baby… waited for someone to pick it up…the gift of this baby was the joy of seeing everyone laugh. The gift of this baby was holding her at our church praise service during  the Michael Card song ‘Come to the cradle, come and find peace’ – the coincidence was not lost on me… I’ve been trying to find peace with this Christmas baby for quite a while now. This was a wiggly baby, so my entertainment value lasted only a short time, but it was a special time.

Next day another baby, but saddest of all, a baby who was struggling for life before it barely even breathed into her. I only knew the baby from her Facebook support page but she was a local, and friend of a friend. This little baby fought and fought, but a heart defect and tremendous medical issues finally took their toll. The doctors did everything I am sure. the emotional prayers that flooded to their Facebook page over 12,000 people subscribed, I hope someday they will get to read all of those posts, know they weren’t alone. I think emotional pain can be so much greater than physical pain even during labor. the grief the unreal how do you move forward. My only comfort, which I offered as a media post was the ‘Emmet Otter Christmas’ song “when the river meets the sea”…’while our mind is full of questions but our hearts will understand…’ speaks to when we pass…we will still be filled with questions… I don’t know why this baby and these parents had to go through their grief, I don’t know how they’ll get over it. 12000 Facebook followers… I pray for their support to be there for years and years and years. Right now 12,000 share their own grief, reliving their own losses, over this quandary of ‘ the Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away’…

The Lord shared a third baby in three days just last night to take care of… 3 days in a row – not surprising as I feel the Lord leading me… selective pressure, just like scientific experiments of bacteria on antibiotic plates, keeping the cells from deleting their antibiotic resistance genes, keeping me from forgetting about the baby coming on Christmas…. This cutie-patootie baby in his stroller, the grandson of a friend, was an easy happy loving cute baby – the kind of baby that induces those mom emotions of ‘I want another’… We were at the Living Nativity and I so wanted to take the baby out and give him to Mary to hold… but I certainly was not going to disturb a super happy baby content in his warm comfortable stroller, while the baby’s father and grandmother had their hands full with two jovial rambunctious and running children… this four month baby was so giggly so smiley and so cute. A friend asked me jokingly, ‘I didn’t know you had another baby?’ and I said I had this baby the easy way, I stole him. Maybe it was good I couldn’t hold this baby, it prevented me from keeping him forever.

It’s not lost on me that even in a living nativity, the baby is largely ignored. Mary doesn’t hold the baby, yes I know it is a doll as a prop, but when I played Mary I held the baby. Someone even commented that I was supposed to put the baby back in the manger… we aspire to our Hallmark card images… if I know Mary, she was probably holding the baby…

So three days, three babies, do I get an unexpected baby today too?
Today is Christmas Eve. Tomorrow is Christmas and I think I need to be in labor now, I need to anticipate the arrival of a new baby, but this one in my heart. I feel an increasing labor pain that I must give birth to a savior for me. An increasing labor pain to trump emotional pain? Or emotional pain to labor the concept the Jesus is real in me? My heart had never felt so ready to accept baby Jesus, my brain and my questions of his existence are catching up, slowly…but my heart is like a giant helium balloon lifting and carrying my brain with it…we are all headed to the delivery room. I do have spiritual doctors and nurses ready to assist. There will be tears, pain then healing and joy. There will be a Merry Christmas for me. I believe.

 

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A Poinsettia Prayer, 23DEC

A beautiful showy poinsettia is often misunderstood… botanically-speaking.  Its big flowers a beautiful splash of red. Christmas red with the evergreen brings cheer.

But, those big red flowers or white pink speckled – they are not flowers at all.

No, they are leaves (botanically speaking they are bracts). The flowers are barely noticed – if they are present at all – they are divided into yellow stamens and a nearly invisible pistil deep down below lip-shaped stigma – which is in the shape of a smile.

At the base of the invisible overlooked flower, nestled in the center of showy colorful bracts, is the place where the flower will bear even tinier seeds. The seeds will be enveloped, embraced and provided food to nurture the next generation of baby plants.

Christmas time is full of showy colorful splashes – but its real meaning is often misunderstood – it is really about a tiny baby – a hope for peace not brought on by a giant clashing war to end all wars – but instead by a non-showy tiny sweet baby – who will grow into our hearts and bring peace when enveloped, embraced and provided nourishment.

So look closely this Christmas – not at the showy leaf bracts, but at the tiny flowers – look for the tiny baby – and look for the true meaning of Christmas deep down in the middle of your heart.

Peace.

I did not edit the content of the initial processing writings – for good reason – i knew that one day i would look back and see how far God had taken me in my faith – and wow yes – God has brought me deeper into my faith – especially in my attributes of Mary Magdalene and of Mary in Lazarus’ story – i long to sit at Jesus’ feet these days and learn… it is time for many of us to stop being Martha – Michael Card sings: “Hustle and Business last year after year, but this little baby won’t always be here!”… there are mistakes in here – but i leave them in for understanding the depth of my growth…

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22DEC
Ok –this is the roughest of the writings I had done to date – but wow it flowed when I just stream of conscious wrote – maybe an hour for this – and half an hour in editing – done in the glow of the wonderfully fresh Christmas tree lights – no ornaments on this tree – but as bright and soothing as any tree could be…

thanks for reading – I have no idea why God chose this method of therapy for me – I am filled with questions and maybe he wants them cleared from my head to make room for better thoughts…

Mary and Mary, Dec 22

It’s Christmas – who wants to be Mary?  Every woman and every girl – all of us are jumping with our hands up to be Mary in the play – in the living nativity scenes – we all love Mary – I love Mary…

I love Mary’s blue garments – the dead snake at her feet – the roses and flowers we place at her feet… I got to be Mary once in our living nativity – oh the awesomeness of that… a lifetime of aspirations came true.

Why do the Catholics worship Mary so much and the Protestants so little?  One of the hardest things to get used to for me (and likely for others – when converting/leaving/lapsing from Catholicism to another branch of Christianity is the nagging question: where did Mary go?  Certainly Catholics do not worship Mary as they did in the old days – in the early Christian church – in the middle ages – in the enlightenment – Catholics are not supposed to worship Mary anyway but to “venerate” her…  but let’s face it – Mary is the “end all and the be all” for little catholic girls – we all want to be Mary.

The Hail Mary – Hail Mary, Mother of God, Pray for us sinners – I can still recite it at great speed – recite it word for word without hesitation and recite in a crisis – like when hearing of my father’s stroke – prayers at lightning speed.

So why is it that protestant churches shun Mary so much? Let’s save that discussion for another time – because I just don’t know – I personally don’t think she takes anything away from God or from Jesus…yes, ok, she was thrust into rock-star-like status – but that’s not her fault…she is still the mother of God. She is still the holiest chosen woman no matter what fantasy…make believe…non-historically accurate trappings we attach to her.

May is Mary’s month –  oh the first crocuses then the daffodils then the lilacs – I so looked forward to those early first spring flowers – the first ones picked and wrapped in a wet paper towel and aluminum foil to carefully carry by hand into elementary school (I went to catholic school) where every classroom had a statue of Mary…  Oh to place those flowers by her feet – their smell and their blooms so abundant – I still think of the abundance gifts of spring when I smell that scent.  Oh if we were Mary, the mother of Jesus… oh how we would love to get those flowers…

Although we (or I) aspire to be Mary –  mother Mary – I have to wonder if I am not already or supposed to aspire to be the second Mary – Mary Magdalene.  I am certainly not like that third Mary of the bible, Mary the sister of Lazarus and Martha – we (I mean I) are too Martha-ish –  I am worrying about this detail and that – I don’t think I can sit and listen to the Lord like Mary – I am certainly not taking the time to sit and read the bible enough (maybe I will get the bible on CD and listen to it in the car – multitask! ). Yes I am  truly Martha… Jesus rightfully scolds me – I mean scolds Martha:  ““you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one.” Yes – wish me luck on aspiring to be that listening thoughtful Mary – probably will take all my life to become her…maybe I will never get there.

Back to the second Mary – Mary Magdalene – my limited wiki research on her says that some accounts of her said she was a prostitute – some said she was a sinner – some were of a possessed woman – some said she had multiple personalities – which is the right story? – too many bible translations and non-bilical combating scholars – no wonder people are confused on which religion to be a part of – but again I digress – that is another discussion for another time…  and also – what about this notion that  mental illness is the devil?  another discussion for another time – intriguing….  ugh so many questions clogging up my brain….

Mary M – are we her?  We ARE sinners – YES!  We are prostitutes??? Hmm… well, let’s hope we are not prostitutes in “that” way – but yes we are all prostitutes selling our souls out for phony rewards, non-important reasons – we are caught in the trappings of modern society – so yes I could consider us all prostituting ourselves for our own gain…

Mary M as someone with mental illness – oh dear – the amount of mental illness in our world, just swept under the rug and hidden – not discussed – that is a sin – that is the plaque of our modern time – the pain and shame – it’s tragic… we can’t fix these situations if we don’t choose to see them – to acknowledge they exist!   Did Jesus cast out Mary M’s mental illness – to show a miracle to the others – and help them believe he was God? Or was he healing Mary M for Mary’s own sake?…  If Jesus thought so highly of curing the mentally ill – then why are we so blind to the needs of our time and why can we just ignore mental illnesses – ugh…tragic tragic tragic.

 

Mary as possessed by the devil…   hmmm…  another essay for another time on my thoughts on the devil….  the devil as mental illness – hmmmm….

 

Mary M was “cured” “discipled” “brought into the fold” – an apostle in her own right – one of the chosen few who witnessed Jesus’ journeys, teachings, miracles, and trials first hand.  those women apostles – whom I have heard there were a few – where are their sainted names?  hmmmm….  Mary Magdalene was so revered that she was the first – yes the first! – to know Jesus rose from the tomb – wow- not even his own mother!  she was the first to go on with her duties as a woman to take care of the dead body – she didn’t hesitate to go into the tomb when the other women stopped – she was the first to be blessed to witness and believe with her own eyes – she went from “worst to first” – she came from the furthest reaches of sinfulness – from the furthest spiritual distance (by choice or circumstance) from the righteous ways of God – she journeyed the furthest and made it into the fold – made it to the first to hear of the Resurrected Christ and then yes – she told the others too – she was bold and was able to speak of Jesus.

In this time of Christmas – we await the birth of Christ – we are called to give birth to a child placed in our hearts – to raise and nurture the Jesus within us – and while we do admire Mary – mother Mary – to be impregnated by that holiest of spirits, giving up her body to birth a God – not to mention to be entrusted to raise baby Jesus – it was no small task and we dream we had her strength and could be so blessed.

But let’s also remember that we should aspire to be the other Mary too –  Mary Magdalene – let’s not hesitate to embrace our Mary Magdalene – to be willing to be healed by God for all our sins and imperfections, to witness to the miracles of the Lord, to perform our dutiful callings even in the times of greatest crisis, to be willing to be bold and enter the tomb – and most of all – to tell others of the risen Christ.

4 – 22DEC God Sighting

Today, with the thought of the Michael Card song “Come to the Cradle, come and find peace” in my head…I walked past my door decoration at work for maybe the five hundredth time (I wrap my door every year…the only decoration I had time to put up this year) …and  I put it up a month ago, thinking it was festive without being too religious in a secular work setting…

Well it hit me  just then that it was a PEACE DOVE as in the Prince of Peace Jesus… I verbally gasped…geez…really God? my inner Darth Vader said “the force is strong with this one”

Wow

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Note:  This piece is really telling it all…where I was – and OH – HOW I HAVE GROWN!  Wow! 30 essays in one months time after this  had put me right on track and ready to stop being embarrassed about where I was – and I needed to confess this to put it aside and allow God to work on me – and wow has He ever!  Please please please – don’t judge me for where I was – but I hope you can appreciate where I am now and where I am going…  because this has been the most amazing experience for me to know and accept Jesus…  

Lego Christianity, 18Dec

I have loaded up my brain and my heart with the tenants of my Christian faith for years and years. I have most if not all of pieces, probably lots of duplicates…see they are like Lego pieces, little snippets of scripture, interpretation and beliefs…also included are fluff pieces, good advice and the trappings of the commercialization of Christmas.

I carry these Lego pieces, but I didn’t snap then in yet. They are there but I didn’t have the instructions or maybe I have been purposely ignoring the instructions of how to put them together in the right order. Or maybe struggling to take them out after placing in them in the wrong order. Do you know how hard it is to undo a Lego piece?

Legos in this day and age are no longer sold as loose blocks, like when I was a kid, but instead they are puzzle kits…combining those plastic model aircraft kits of my youth with easy snap into place segments.

One of my joys of putting together those pieces is when I feel and hear the clink clink clink sound when you root around in this big batch of all the random pieces trying to find that next piece…it’s that activity of finding the right piece…a three dimensional physical “I got it” feeling. Then snap, put it into place.

I have had these Lego pieces of Christianity for awhile; just never felt my brain and my heart were in sync. Been recently pondering Christmas and Christ…I spoke in Sunday school to the kids and mentioned that “Christ is Coming” but really He came two thousand years ago and we celebrate his coming…rather than him physically coming every year. Later I was listening to a CD of an advent service from last year, which included a wonderfully moving and spirit-filled sermon of a friend,  whose spiritual messages I can relate to. In that service I heard another friend, read the interpretation of the first candle of Advent, HOPE. Paraphrasing what she said…”why is Jesus coming every year? He is coming new to so many people each year…” Oh…wish I had said THAT in Sunday school…that does make sense. Lego piece absorbed…add it to the mix.

I am too busy to attend the church service, I am in the building, mostly with the kids…but when I can, I find the contemporary music and meaning so wonderful. I have been lacking spiritual growth…except for when I prepare UMW, VBS and Sunday school curriculum…
… I had been in that spiritual growth drought for so long that when I realized that God was knocking on my brain to make it catch up with my heart, it caught me by surprise. I was preparing months ago my own Sunday school curriculum for a science-based lesson because I didn’t think there was enough science connection in the lesson about Jesus’ stories…about how his stories were used to encourage non-believers to open their hearts to the existence and good of God.

I incorporated (with a cool messy hands-on experiment) the use of a catalyst… And snap…my deliberate disbelief – questioning Jesus actually being God – maybe he was just another prophet with a good publicist – maybe it’s a great group of stories… well, all that crumbled..  my brain cracked open to the possibility that Jesus was real. It dawned on me that if Jesus was real, maybe God brought him to us to be the catalyst for change. More than just a Lego piece absorbed, more like a Lego piece and one of those green square bases to build things on…

This look for more spiritual growth lately is just like when I took biochemistry in college and had to learn it from the book, self taught, because my professor wasn’t good, I find now that I have to seek out and find my own way spiritually… another friend once said you’ve got a library card now go figure out what book you want to check out…
…I have found help… I have meditated on the scriptures presented within the 4 messages that a new friend, who also is a guest sermonist, delivered. The teachings are not cliff notes for the Bible, they are not like watching a movie to teach the Bible, but the sermons are making the Bible come alive in the context of our lives… in MY life.  One sermon on Joseph, one on the great commission… the holy spirit, one on father’s day about “I am the vine, you are the branches” and how God prunes us to bear more fruit, and one on worship:

“Worship, like salvation, is a personal decision. It is an expression of the individual’s relationship with God and it is the spiritual condition of the worshiper that determines whether God is at work. If your worship experience doesn’t change you, you should consider your approach to it. ”

John 4:23 ”Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. ²⁴ God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.”

And song, “Come to the Cradle come and find peace..” – that is a big Lego piece.

Lego piece accepted.

While making copies of the CDs of these sermons and the church Christmas music for a couple of friends who also don’t get to sit in church, I was checking Facebook.  I noticed I was added to a group named “church” from a not so tech savvy friend, who likely confused making a group with a grouped friend lists…oh well…. Anyway, a friends’ son, who is a young new scholar-pastor-dad, posts “what is this???” I jokingly replied that its or mutual friend learning Facebook and playing with the Facebook-time-space continuum. Then I clicked his page to see his posts… I read how he was mourning this Christmas by reading the old prophets telling of the coming of Jesus. I didn’t read the whole post at first (which included so much recent world strife, mass murders close to home) and I messaged him to say “why mourning?”

I give thanks for this little nugget that he gave me to focus my mind on…  “What to mourn is the sin and death and injustice in our world, the very reason the world needs a Savior so badly”.
I have has done small and large bursts of spiritual growth over this last year, and it is likely not a coincidence that that statement hits me just right where my thought process is today…big Lego piece accepted.

The previous night I wrote a piece called the Christmas Flood. Speaking to how Christmas is a deluge of rain good rain but too much rain, that could flood us and wash away our carefully planted spiritual seeds in our gardens, unless we prepare for the excess rain and protect ourselves… spiritual uplifting, soaking nutritive rain in the form of His message comes from God but only when we prepare for this rain…then we can let it soak in…
…It was me playing with the Legos of Christianity in my head while writing it… But I was forgetting about Advent being a mini-Lent, a time of repentance and prayer not just for ourselves but for others to give up their bad ways…for us and others to realize that we need Christ to come to save the world… we need His example… we need to absorb and portray His example…. then at Easter, realize He opens our path to heaven…but that can’t happen until He comes to each person first… so yes, Jesus is God and comes each year.

Snap, I put the right Lego piece in, the little ones and the big ones… they fit, they are in the right order now. I need to builds more on them…to wiggle them some to make sure I can fit some other new ones in. You can never be done building… Amen

2 – This is my pivotal first piece to process what I didn’t know what was coming to me – a monumental earth-shattering life change – but it came… like a FLOOD

Christmas Flood, 17DEC 

Christmas is like a flood of spiritual emotion, not a light or sustained soaking rain that allows the parched ground to slowly open up and absorb the much needed rain. Christmas is like that short downpour deluge of flooding rain, where only some water gets to the plants and the rest runs off into the gutters or low points. Like in modern construction, we (our spiritual souls) need to set aside flood plains, safe drainage areas so that the spiritual seeds that we have planted all year long aren’t washed away … that the parched spiritual soul is not choked by flood waters. So we can nurture, patiently, our delicate growing belief that God works in our lives every day.

We need sustaining rainfall. We pray for rain, yet do we prepare for it? In the movie “Facing the Giants”, the coach of a “bad news bears”-like football team is finding the need for an emotional awakening (as well as improved football skills) both for his team and himself. A colleague relates to him the story of the two farmers in a drought…two farmers looked to God for rain, but only one prepared for it, so which fields receive the much needed rain? The gist of the quote from the movie is:

“I heard a story about two farmers who desperately needed rain. And both of them prayed for rain, but only one of them went out and prepared his fields to receive it. Which one do you think trusted God to send the rain?” Well, the one prepared his fields for it. Which one are you? Mr. Bridges (the older advisor) continued. “God will send the rain when He’s ready. You need to prepare your field to receive it.”

“Which one are you? God will send the rain when He is ready. You need to prepare your field to receive it.”

Christmas finds us year after year flooded with buckets of wasted non-nourishing rain, excessive tinsel-covered giant hailstones and mud mud mud clogging and blocking our spiritual path…. If only we set up rain collection barrels to collect the deluge of Christmas excess rain to save some for watering our souls after the new year, to use all winter until we get to the next soaking rains of Easter, the greens of spring, the rebirth thru resurrection.

How can we prepare for rain? How can we dig trenches for excess while welcoming the much needed spiritual lift that comes with a baby in a manger. How can we? Pray. Pray for guidance. Pray for peace and clarity in your heart. Pray for the calming presence of God. And prepare. Prepare for the arrival for both spiritual and non-spiritual abundance. While you need to appreciate and delineate between the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season and that of the showy, wing-flapping commotion caused by angels dragging your soul to the cradle…while you need to appreciate and delineate between your heart bursting with Christmas joy (think Dr Seuss’ Grinch’s heart growing “three sizes that day”) and your head saying ‘slowdown, wait, don’t get swept away with emotion’ ….

Either way, you need to prepare your fields for rain.

Please Note – this is the first writing at the beginning of my awakening – Dec 10, 2014 – This is NOT where I am NOW in my faith – I did not write this first writing to a particular person – I never intended to share it – it is the pre-awakened state with the acknowledgement of something turning in my head – In hindsight it is clear to me what was about to happen – I still don’t know why i wrote it except I was up in the late night on the computer and I wrote it and then hid it for over a week – I was so embarrassed as to where I was – because I am a faithful follower of God and the president of my UMW group and a sunday school teacher and in charge of Vacation Bible School – and yet I was 50:50 iffy on Jesus being the one and only Son of God – I am so beyond this writing now – I am so 100% with Jesus and acknowledge that God and God alone caused this change in me – opening up my ears and eyes just at the right time… After I wrote this piece and the following 2 pieces (Dec 17 Christmas Flood and Dec 18 Lego Christianity) I shared them with one person only whom I was sure was sure in his faith and private enough to help me settle the dust without exposing that I didn’t know where my faith really was – I was embarrassed but really simply asleep – so I printed and hid my first 10 writings or so in my car – I held them then had to ask for help to clarify this sandstorm in my brain – I have ALWAYS been the type person who needs to talk out a situation to settle the storms in my own head…  This was the biggest storm and yet the most clear calling.

And so now – I am NOT EMBARRASSED to share this with you  – if you read forward in my posts (Dec 17th and 18th and all up until Jan 31, 2015) you will see that I was awakening, you will see how much I have changed (Feb 1st is my 100% WITH JESUS date – the rest of the blogs are sometimes processing and all praise praise praise.  

Again – if anything I pray that others realize that God is alive and He is herding us until we are hearing Jesus call us to wake up… Jesus is my Lord and Savior – I now KNOW His TRUTH. Thank you God!!!!

Downloaded from My Brain and Heart 10DEC2014

So – my doubts and my brain do not allow me to yet fully believe that Jesus existed as son of God. I do believe that Jesus existed at least as a person – but was he truly a part of God? Was he God? Was he invented by humans who wanted to believe he was God? Why was he here – why was he here recently in time and not thousands of years ago? Was God portioned in multiple existences many times in history – how would we ever even know that? i want to reconcile my brain and my heart – i want to “figure it all out” but i know that i need to be patient – i need to let God work in my heart and in my brain to bring it all together – i believe that we as humans are made to doubt – to question and to wonder – i ask for God’s patience with me and His mercy at my doubts.  i truly appreciate that i am a child of God.

I have no doubts in God’s existence – i know that everything is possible with God – i am a true believer that He created the world – He was there at the big bang – He had/has a plan for the whole universe – he has a plan for us – He is not dead as the existentialists would say – (“where there is no purpose or explanation at the core of existence… there is no God or any other transcendent force”) – i do not believe this – i often has wondered in my youth if God was invented by people who longed for a God – longed for a meaning in their collective lives – it is a wonder to me why we as humans wonder at all…  why do we have a consciousness? – i do believe that i have seen evidence of God everyday – i believe that God is the one who gives us consciousness – we are truly blessed by our emotions – by our appreciation of the world around us – why else would we perceive good and bad, sweet and sour, happy and sad… we are not limited as the only ones with consciousness – cats, dogs, elephants, dolphins, many mammals all have obtained a certain level of consciousness… yet we as humans have a sense of community and consciousness as well as compassion – we are blessed and we should be aware that we need to be stewards of the world around us.

I have reconciled my brain with my heart for many aspects of God – i am a scientist and i question – i am a fan of history and i question knowing that “history was written by the winners, the conquerors”. I have reconciled my brain with my heart for the existence of evolution- i have no doubts, i have actual proof (or the absence of disproving theories) in my everyday life – i see evolution in the DNA and RNA i study – i see fossil records – I see adaptations – it is truly real and the world has been around much much longer than some Jewish philosophers would have us believe…the world is billions of years old, not 6000. we are blessed to have a fossil record – we are blessed to be able to study the evolution of organisms – we are blown away by the complexity in the intricacies in how living creatures exist –  the world was created by God – but who are we to pencil God into just seven days – who said these days were 24 hrs – who said these days were not taking place over millions of earth years – who says these days were defined by the world having already been here and stable?  i have reconciled my brain and heart to know that with God all things are possible and we are totally not at His level to prove or disprove how he created the universe.  i have reconciled my brain and heart to the story of Noah – i love the story – and yet it may be a story for a certain region – again all things with God are possible…  but we have so much time of verbal history before written history – we can debate Noah at some other time…  I do believe in God’s rainbow- I do believe that God made us a promise that he would take care of us – I do believe we are chosen for some reason – i am humbled at the gifts God has given us – and at our ability to appreciate them.

I do believe that God has a sense of humor! Events and timing that have to make us question our motivations.  I do believe in miracles – in healing the sick – in preventing car crashes – in putting the right people in the right place at the right time.  i do not know why there is pain and suffering in the world – but why should we know that…  we are not God.  i would challenge the people who believe in only fate – and don’t believe that we can change our fate – i would challenge non-believers (even though some of my best friends and family are non-believers). i do believe the God got the world rolling – but steps in to tweak the system – angels are all around us.  and we are also called upon to be angels when needed – we are to live in community and in harmony.

i do believe that all peoples – all cultures – have one God – i do believe that the American Indians’ mother earth – the turtle – is our God. i do believe that the roman and greek gods were a way of life for many to believe – but that even though they were given many names, they were collectively our one God.  i do believe that muslims and jews, christians and everyone can co-exist with the collective appreciation that we are all one body – all worshiping and co-existing one Great God.

History – history was written by the winners – the conquerors – masses of people were lead and still are lead by rulers and philosophers and philosophies that brainwash peoples into sets of thoughts. Waring factions fight each other in the name of God – but it is the same God on both sides – why?  why should we know why this happens?
History – the rapid advances in technology – from the creation of paper, the creation of the printing press, the expanding sharing of insights and knowledge of past events – this rapid spread of information is fairly recent – was there previous knowledge that was recorded in ways that were lost to us in our current time?  what was in that library at Alexandria? – what have we lost in knowledge? what has been written by the winners the conquerors?  what has been lost to us?

i do believe that the bible is true – but i don’t know that. I would hope that everything in the bible is true  but the interpretations and translations have made by humans, not God,  humans share the bible but humans have also hampered our understanding of the truth…  the sheer number of translations and opinions of what passages mean – that leads to doubt in the true meaning…  i am comforted in the existence of the Dead Sea Scrolls – i pray for their authenticity – i am comforted in the perceived match between the dead sea scrolls and modern translations. i unfortunately believe that humans have used the bible in their own selfish ways – in directed thought – in misinterpretation for their own causes…  i am suspicious of human intentions.

i do believe that the main message of the bible is love – i believe that even if the bible were invented – that the reason behind that invention was still love – an intention to harmonize us – to achieve a higher existence as peaceable peoples…

but i do not feel God is angry with me for my doubts – i do believe that some people put their angers and biases against me and against others who don’t believe the exact same way they do.  i don’t know why God allows us to be us – perhaps its God’s sense of humor again – perhaps God is playing God….

i do believe that God has brought me to this place for a reason – He has placed my doubts in my head and not necessarily my heart – he has challenged me to search – to find the good in all things – to continue a journey of discovery and questioning – every opening of my new knowledge of God and his doings only opens more questions – more challenges – more opportunities to love God more.  i am truly blessed more than cursed that  i am a doubter. Thank you God.

i love teaching the works of God – i love showing the love of God – i love challenging us to be better.  this past year i taught a sunday school science-themed class.  it was about stories that Jesus told and how they worked to teach people – to challenge their thoughts and change their hearts… i decided to add a chemical reaction experiment to the class -to of course make it very hands on and exciting – we used hydrogen peroxide soap and yeast to make big foamy fun… Yeast (a living organism) was a catalyst for this reaction. the catalyst in a reaction makes the reaction go faster – the chemical reaction was already moving in that direction but the catalyst reduced the resistance to the reaction – it sped up the reaction.  Jesus is a catalyst – it dawned on me while preparing that lesson that Jesus was the catalyst sent by God to make the world change faster – to accelerate the reaction – to speed up the causes of love and goodness – to prepare us to be more God like – to allow us to go to Heaven for eternal peace.  It dawned on me that this scenario fit my heart and my brain – my spiritual understanding of the need for Jesus – my doubts… I still have doubts – but wow – if this were really true – it made so much sense….  it didn’t mean that God didn’t intervene before and won’t intervene again – but it allowed me to acknowledge to myself that Jesus was real – that perhaps we were the lucky ones to have this catalyst in our lives today….  perhaps the over-exaggerations by humans in the writings and teachings were still there – but either way – this was still a good move on God’s part – to allow the work of Jesus to spread.  A catalyst allows the reaction to take place without it itself undergoing a change. God never changes.  That works in my head and my heart.

I also this past year started to listen more to my needs for spiritual growth – i have had spurts of mentors and pastors and teachers who have enlightened me – people in the right place at the right time… i am not so special that this only happens to me – no – this happens to many many lucky people – God has infinite power and resources – we are not to believe that we are the only special ones in the universe and yet we are very special and unique in God’s love.

Religious figures were not always catalysts in my deepening of my understanding of my own faith – but some spiritual leaders have been… one such person was my friend in grad school – who was training as a shaman – a genuine true gentle soul with understandings of the world and the teachings from around the world. One day he told me my hands were the brightest green aura – super bright – meaning what i was going to do with my hands that day were truly profound and meaningful activities – this could have been as simple as making something – but his insight was that there was determination in my hands and my whole being that day – i don’t know how or what was his vision, but that touched me that day – we have a purpose-driven existence – to use your talents and powers to do powerful things. Once, a former pastor spoke to my heart – Rev D spoke to my heart while i was faultering and searching – I was in a rough spot just before i was able to enter my final stages in grad school – one of the most challenging times in my life – soul searching and struggling. Her personal stories and heart tugging messages were exactly what i needed at the right time. For my whole life i have been heartened by friends who walk the walk and have the genuine ability to share their genuine faith.  My faith also has grown in my understanding of my non-believer friends.  some of my dearest friends are of different religions and also of no religion – i see their goodness and perhaps cynical look at the religious establishment as the roadblock for them to believe in God – and yet they are good people – there is God in them. Sadly my faith or lack of faith has been challenged by others  yet this has enabled me to look inward for my motivations and not seek others for approval of my faith. My most motivation is to be me – to live a purposeful and optimistic life – this came when i was teen – God knows what happened – and God was there to move me back and move me forward.

Most recently my teachings to my students – my desire to figure out how to reconcile my doubts and my teachings and to seek more opening of my heart to the possibilities for me to believe in Jesus – these have all touched me recently – perhaps the ushering in of the christmas season has heightened the awareness of this movement in my heart which started almost a year ago  – and yet i am not ready to have an “Eureka” moment – i am trying to fill my soul with patience and nurturing love – so not to crash and burn – it takes time to nurture new thoughts – especially when i require my sand storm in my brain to settle down so that i can see clearly.  i needed to write this out – to ponder over it – to “download it from my brain”.  i have found new or renewed avenues of spiritual growth recently that i was lacking or ignoring – too busy to take time for myself – but i will try to keep my ears open (listen to the word more, study the bible more) and allow myself to grow in love for God and hopefully, prayerfully, for Jesus. these are private thoughts for me – but thoughts that God has known of me, forever.

Thanks God.

These blog pages will detail my writings as I was awakening to the wonderful Life I now have in Jesus – I have been unbelievably blessed and i write not to boast but so that I could encourage you all to have deep faith discussions with God as well.    Welcome the possibilities of life when Jesus fills your heart and you put your trust in HIM.  Be a Child of God – GOD LOVES YOU!!!!!

Prologue (written mid 2015):

So, I have been having private conversations with God – but writing them – I have no idea why God chose this method of therapy for me, but from December to January I have written over 30 pieces….  My biggest realization is that I was not feeding myself spiritually enough…even though I have been working so hard to feed my fellow church family, I was only taking tiny bites on the run… I love teaching Sunday school because it is a way to learn the material and the perspective of a child learning it for the first time.  I had a break through teaching Sunday school and this Christmas flood (the first essay) happened to me.  And this first devotional told me to save the Christmas rain and use it all year – and I have been writing and writing almost every day – just about 30 pieces now in just one month… some pieces are good for certain people in their situations and others for others…  and the writing has been my drainage ditch for the flood waters – and I can dip back into them when needed…and send the right one to the right person. Little did I know that I made a prophetic statement when I posted on facebook in early December that I needed to 1) go to see a favorite annual Christmas house display and 2) go to our church Christmas band concert the first Sunday of December – both I needed to prepare myself for Christmas –  as you would put on an oxygen mask on an airplane – put it on you first before you put the masks on others…  SO – little did I know that it was CHRISTMAS that would be my oxygen mask for the rest of my life forward…

I have reached out to others to help me in this journey – I could not do it alone – but my fear was being laughed at or judgmentally scoffed at. The most Christ-like quality I have experienced in my conversations with my spiritual guides has been their sincere non-judgmental support…

Because my brain and my heart haven’t been in sync about God and Jesus…I have been a combination of ignorant and skeptical questioning…and for me to have these beliefs while I have been in the leadership positions that I am in… wow … I think people would freak. But I am certain now that God has been putting some corrective action on me in order for me to pull in people like myself…and help others who like me have to “get themselves out of the way” and just believe, just have Faith…and I have the best church family…when I have approached the table, I have been feed so much…  I am now a sincere seeker. I have been asking to learn to “walk humbly with God” and prayed for the right words – to have the Holy Spirit give me the right words at the right time.

I realize that the best way to share these revelations would be in person, chatting with you individually…. but I feel that I have been writing for a reason – to share this growth with a wider audience – I really think that at some point I am going to share these more publically – but for now – I have been sharing them with a few people – some to some folks, others to others…  and the writing has been so good – allowed me to dump my brain and keep going…  actually had over 30 pieces in just a month – yeah – I can’t believe it either…  [editor note – it is over 300 pieces for a whole year]

After a slow start of sharing with individuals – one then three then five then seven then twelve, it is getting so much easier and easier…and even now I am so looking forward to individual people whom I am going to share my journey with – I am looking each and every day for the right opportunities – and God has opened the conversations up.  Sometimes the conversation wasn’t right – it was not the time…but most have been so amazing and so encouraging…   One that made me shake – was the most amazing discussion with my Pastor – about a month after the Christmas Flood – it was time to have this discussion –and after a dinner, I saw an open opportunity and I just tried to find the words to describe this profound spiritual growth… and HE ALREADY KNEW – HE SAW IT- that blew me away…  and then like a flood gate opening – everything I have been going through came out and it is was GOOD. And the gate is open now.

So now I share with YOU – MY FRIENDS – MY DEAR FRIENDS –  whether you know me or not, I hope and pray that you can listen to your heart – get your brain in the right place and listen to the phrase:  “BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD”  Christianity is a journey – sometimes it rolls faster than others – sometimes you climb and sometimes you coast…  I can see God has put me on a track and I am climbing a mountain for a reason – and I hope to encourage those around me to climb too…  And in all of it – THANK GOD!

 

My dearest friends,
God makes everything fall into place in a way only HE could… God knows our hearts and knows where HE wants us to grow…
God IS the ONLY one who knows where life will take you… God took me as imperfect as I am… So I am sure that God wants you too!

We have Questioning… He has Answers!

God found me right where I was and had Jesus hold out His hand until I took it. I did. I reached and Jesus pulled me up. He awakened me as if I was sleeping in my faith. I am not embarrassed as to where I was – but I am SO grateful to be where I am now.

Jesus is in our hearts to give us salvation in God’s eternal kingdom we need to welcome Him openly. Once we welcome Jesus as a gift from God, it’s OUR turn to offer our lives to HIM. Trust me, you will be eternally blessed if you do!

We are ALIVE for God’s almighty plan.

Please allow me to humbly share my LOVE of God’s hand in my life over this past year… I have written my year-long journey in a blog format while I was awakening and continue to write devotions and praises. I was not in crisis, except that I had not fully accepted Jesus. I had to write to process these life-altering experiences… God knew it was time to open my eyes, ears, heart, brain and soul and acknowledge Jesus as the WAY, the TRUTH and the LIGHT. God is my ALL in ALL… And I delight in the joys that He has bestowed on me before and after this realization.

My writing is not perfect but neither am I. This blog will release my writings chronologically.  It is important to know that from #1 to # 52 are for my awakening – IN THAT ORDER – because you will see my actual awakening – God MADE ME WRITE – I did not chose this but in hindsight I can see why God made me write – I highly recommend writing out your faith to you as well!!!

Of course please know that I am not an ordained minister or even have academic bible training – I am just a fellow traveler in this world.

Please know that God loves every single one of you because HE wants ALL of us to be whole for the WHOLE of His Kingdom. He wants us to know Jesus so personally and depend on Him.

Thank you for your love and support of me and ALL of God’s family. God bless you and keep you in the palm of His hands.

LOVE, JOY, PEACE, and SMILES

Debbie