27

Oh the Tears, 13 Jan

So I wondered why I hadn’t gotten teary in this searching which is an emotion-driven new awakening, new thirst for knowledge and understanding, a most profound spiritual change for anyone… been questioning “why no tears?” My Mom will cry at anything and I was this way as well… but apparently seven hard years of grad school, plus the many trying times in my life, I have built walls…  not hardened my heart, but built retaining walls to withhold emotion when I choose, I learned how to keep the tears in.

Music therapy works for me…overplaying a song or album in a loop until I myself get out of that repeat loop situation…the Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers album “She’s the One” and songs “Walls” and “climb that hill” was my music therapy during the last couple years of grad school, still the most difficult process I have ever accomplished, getting done… getting out… in spite of the issues, and because of the people in my foster-home-like second lab, who saved me, cured my ailing projects and allowed me to grow and move forward. “Some days are diamonds, some days are rocks.”… Over and over again Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers would sing and I would listen… I would HOPE!

So the tears, some tears did finally come, when reciting the Lord’s Prayer at an emotional funeral for a friend’s 51 yr old Mom, who had a massive heart attack…I couldn’t finish the prayer, tears for sorrow, apologizing to God to Jesus for my doubts. Tears blend right in and come easy at a funeral…I said, ah yes… here are my tears…

Then the tears came again this morning – with good therapeutic release…  While getting ready to hit the shower before work, I overheard a video (the preacher was quite the character – bomb-blasting people with scripture trying to convert them… hmm…)…  Well, the video preacher was saying to some heckling doubting Thomas in the audience, that he didn’t agree with that audience members take on the non-existence of Jesus…  “History really did show Jesus was real”… ok .. but then the preacher actually said “You are just making yourself look like an idiot, for ignoring the history.”  WHEW! Maybe some people really do need to hear when they are off-base, BUT, those were NOT Christ-like nonjudgmental words to my ears coming from a preacher!  If that were the reaction to my open questioning (which I shared privately), well my walls would have gone right up, sealing me off from that person.  But thankfully I picked (or was led to) the right people to share my story with.. So now I heard that preacher chastise that doubter, ugh… Oh, the tears… Oh how I felt regret for that interaction – probably made that doubting person even more angry with bigger walls… oh how if I were in that preachers shoes could instead have said: “I know you’re doubting… I know where you’re coming from… I know because I’ve been there…” – or at least I could have said, “let’s talk”.   Being a non-judgmental preacher with a more Christ-like answer would have been better… An urging to that disbeliever to go back and look at the history… consult the scholars…. seek out the answers… don’t do it alone… find people who will help to answer your questions.

I have been blessed these days with some dear friends who have given me non-judgmental support and guidance; this is how I have been able to grow… I reached out so slowly at first but then openly and honestly to 5 people whom I felt could be non-judgmental, who knew me not as a heathen, but understood me as a sincere seeker who didn’t want my heart broken. I also was gifted right now with two Biblical scholars with sincere academic knowledge combined with faith.

My “Supernatural Radio” (another Tom Petty song) has been playing certain music in my car – this music has carried and flowed thru my thoughts, keeping me afloat. All these things have all helped me to continue to grow in my faith… slowly, nourishingly, on a seemingly laid out path paved with love.

The most powerful Christ-like behaviors we can have are to be non-judgmental and to love.

Walls have to come down sometime… oh the blessed therapeutic tears…  they finally came.

——————–

“Walls (circus)” was written by Petty, Tom.  video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfS6Nl962Qg

Some days are diamonds
Some days are rocks

Some doors are open
Some roads are blocked

Sundowns are golden
Then fade away
And if I never do nothing
I’ll get you back some day

‘Cause you got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can’t hold out forever
Even walls fall down

And all around your island
There’s a barricade
It keeps out the danger
It holds in the pain

Sometimes you’re happy
Sometimes you cry
Half of me is ocean
Half of me is sky

But you got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can’t hold out forever
Even walls fall down

Yes they do

And some things are over
Some things go on
And part of me you carry
Part of me is gone

But you got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can’t hold out forever
Even walls fall down

Baby you got a heart so big
Oh you could crush this town
And I can’t hold out forever
Even walls fall down
They fall down

Ah, yes they do
Yes they do
They fall down”