PRE-AWAKENING Faith Questioning “Diatribe”


Please Note – this is the first writing at the beginning of my awakening – Dec 10, 2014 – This is NOT where I am NOW in my faith – I did not write this first writing to a particular person – I never intended to share it – it is the pre-awakened state with the acknowledgement of something turning in my head – In hindsight it is clear to me what was about to happen – I still don’t know why i wrote it except I was up in the late night on the computer and I wrote it and then hid it for over a week – I was so embarrassed as to where I was – because I am a faithful follower of God and the president of my UMW group and a sunday school teacher and in charge of Vacation Bible School – and yet I was 50:50 iffy on Jesus being the one and only Son of God – I am so beyond this writing now – I am so 100% with Jesus and acknowledge that God and God alone caused this change in me – opening up my ears and eyes just at the right time… After I wrote this piece and the following 2 pieces (Dec 17 Christmas Flood and Dec 18 Lego Christianity) I shared them with one person only whom I was sure was sure in his faith and private enough to help me settle the dust without exposing that I didn’t know where my faith really was – I was embarrassed but really simply asleep – so I printed and hid my first 10 writings or so in my car – I held them then had to ask for help to clarify this sandstorm in my brain – I have ALWAYS been the type person who needs to talk out a situation to settle the storms in my own head…  This was the biggest storm and yet the most clear calling.

And so now – I am NOT EMBARRASSED to share this with you  – if you read forward in my posts (Dec 17th and 18th and all up until Jan 31, 2015) you will see that I was awakening, you will see how much I have changed (Feb 1st is my 100% WITH JESUS date – the rest of the blogs are sometimes processing and all praise praise praise.  

Again – if anything I pray that others realize that God is alive and He is herding us until we are hearing Jesus call us to wake up… Jesus is my Lord and Savior – I now KNOW His TRUTH. Thank you God!!!!

Downloaded from My Brain and Heart 10DEC2014

So – my doubts and my brain do not allow me to yet fully believe that Jesus existed as son of God. I do believe that Jesus existed at least as a person – but was he truly a part of God? Was he God? Was he invented by humans who wanted to believe he was God? Why was he here – why was he here recently in time and not thousands of years ago? Was God portioned in multiple existences many times in history – how would we ever even know that? i want to reconcile my brain and my heart – i want to “figure it all out” but i know that i need to be patient – i need to let God work in my heart and in my brain to bring it all together – i believe that we as humans are made to doubt – to question and to wonder – i ask for God’s patience with me and His mercy at my doubts.  i truly appreciate that i am a child of God.

I have no doubts in God’s existence – i know that everything is possible with God – i am a true believer that He created the world – He was there at the big bang – He had/has a plan for the whole universe – he has a plan for us – He is not dead as the existentialists would say – (“where there is no purpose or explanation at the core of existence… there is no God or any other transcendent force”) – i do not believe this – i often has wondered in my youth if God was invented by people who longed for a God – longed for a meaning in their collective lives – it is a wonder to me why we as humans wonder at all…  why do we have a consciousness? – i do believe that i have seen evidence of God everyday – i believe that God is the one who gives us consciousness – we are truly blessed by our emotions – by our appreciation of the world around us – why else would we perceive good and bad, sweet and sour, happy and sad… we are not limited as the only ones with consciousness – cats, dogs, elephants, dolphins, many mammals all have obtained a certain level of consciousness… yet we as humans have a sense of community and consciousness as well as compassion – we are blessed and we should be aware that we need to be stewards of the world around us.

I have reconciled my brain with my heart for many aspects of God – i am a scientist and i question – i am a fan of history and i question knowing that “history was written by the winners, the conquerors”. I have reconciled my brain with my heart for the existence of evolution- i have no doubts, i have actual proof (or the absence of disproving theories) in my everyday life – i see evolution in the DNA and RNA i study – i see fossil records – I see adaptations – it is truly real and the world has been around much much longer than some Jewish philosophers would have us believe…the world is billions of years old, not 6000. we are blessed to have a fossil record – we are blessed to be able to study the evolution of organisms – we are blown away by the complexity in the intricacies in how living creatures exist –  the world was created by God – but who are we to pencil God into just seven days – who said these days were 24 hrs – who said these days were not taking place over millions of earth years – who says these days were defined by the world having already been here and stable?  i have reconciled my brain and heart to know that with God all things are possible and we are totally not at His level to prove or disprove how he created the universe.  i have reconciled my brain and heart to the story of Noah – i love the story – and yet it may be a story for a certain region – again all things with God are possible…  but we have so much time of verbal history before written history – we can debate Noah at some other time…  I do believe in God’s rainbow- I do believe that God made us a promise that he would take care of us – I do believe we are chosen for some reason – i am humbled at the gifts God has given us – and at our ability to appreciate them.

I do believe that God has a sense of humor! Events and timing that have to make us question our motivations.  I do believe in miracles – in healing the sick – in preventing car crashes – in putting the right people in the right place at the right time.  i do not know why there is pain and suffering in the world – but why should we know that…  we are not God.  i would challenge the people who believe in only fate – and don’t believe that we can change our fate – i would challenge non-believers (even though some of my best friends and family are non-believers). i do believe the God got the world rolling – but steps in to tweak the system – angels are all around us.  and we are also called upon to be angels when needed – we are to live in community and in harmony.

i do believe that all peoples – all cultures – have one God – i do believe that the American Indians’ mother earth – the turtle – is our God. i do believe that the roman and greek gods were a way of life for many to believe – but that even though they were given many names, they were collectively our one God.  i do believe that muslims and jews, christians and everyone can co-exist with the collective appreciation that we are all one body – all worshiping and co-existing one Great God.

History – history was written by the winners – the conquerors – masses of people were lead and still are lead by rulers and philosophers and philosophies that brainwash peoples into sets of thoughts. Waring factions fight each other in the name of God – but it is the same God on both sides – why?  why should we know why this happens?
History – the rapid advances in technology – from the creation of paper, the creation of the printing press, the expanding sharing of insights and knowledge of past events – this rapid spread of information is fairly recent – was there previous knowledge that was recorded in ways that were lost to us in our current time?  what was in that library at Alexandria? – what have we lost in knowledge? what has been written by the winners the conquerors?  what has been lost to us?

i do believe that the bible is true – but i don’t know that. I would hope that everything in the bible is true  but the interpretations and translations have made by humans, not God,  humans share the bible but humans have also hampered our understanding of the truth…  the sheer number of translations and opinions of what passages mean – that leads to doubt in the true meaning…  i am comforted in the existence of the Dead Sea Scrolls – i pray for their authenticity – i am comforted in the perceived match between the dead sea scrolls and modern translations. i unfortunately believe that humans have used the bible in their own selfish ways – in directed thought – in misinterpretation for their own causes…  i am suspicious of human intentions.

i do believe that the main message of the bible is love – i believe that even if the bible were invented – that the reason behind that invention was still love – an intention to harmonize us – to achieve a higher existence as peaceable peoples…

but i do not feel God is angry with me for my doubts – i do believe that some people put their angers and biases against me and against others who don’t believe the exact same way they do.  i don’t know why God allows us to be us – perhaps its God’s sense of humor again – perhaps God is playing God….

i do believe that God has brought me to this place for a reason – He has placed my doubts in my head and not necessarily my heart – he has challenged me to search – to find the good in all things – to continue a journey of discovery and questioning – every opening of my new knowledge of God and his doings only opens more questions – more challenges – more opportunities to love God more.  i am truly blessed more than cursed that  i am a doubter. Thank you God.

i love teaching the works of God – i love showing the love of God – i love challenging us to be better.  this past year i taught a sunday school science-themed class.  it was about stories that Jesus told and how they worked to teach people – to challenge their thoughts and change their hearts… i decided to add a chemical reaction experiment to the class -to of course make it very hands on and exciting – we used hydrogen peroxide soap and yeast to make big foamy fun… Yeast (a living organism) was a catalyst for this reaction. the catalyst in a reaction makes the reaction go faster – the chemical reaction was already moving in that direction but the catalyst reduced the resistance to the reaction – it sped up the reaction.  Jesus is a catalyst – it dawned on me while preparing that lesson that Jesus was the catalyst sent by God to make the world change faster – to accelerate the reaction – to speed up the causes of love and goodness – to prepare us to be more God like – to allow us to go to Heaven for eternal peace.  It dawned on me that this scenario fit my heart and my brain – my spiritual understanding of the need for Jesus – my doubts… I still have doubts – but wow – if this were really true – it made so much sense….  it didn’t mean that God didn’t intervene before and won’t intervene again – but it allowed me to acknowledge to myself that Jesus was real – that perhaps we were the lucky ones to have this catalyst in our lives today….  perhaps the over-exaggerations by humans in the writings and teachings were still there – but either way – this was still a good move on God’s part – to allow the work of Jesus to spread.  A catalyst allows the reaction to take place without it itself undergoing a change. God never changes.  That works in my head and my heart.

I also this past year started to listen more to my needs for spiritual growth – i have had spurts of mentors and pastors and teachers who have enlightened me – people in the right place at the right time… i am not so special that this only happens to me – no – this happens to many many lucky people – God has infinite power and resources – we are not to believe that we are the only special ones in the universe and yet we are very special and unique in God’s love.

Religious figures were not always catalysts in my deepening of my understanding of my own faith – but some spiritual leaders have been… one such person was my friend in grad school – who was training as a shaman – a genuine true gentle soul with understandings of the world and the teachings from around the world. One day he told me my hands were the brightest green aura – super bright – meaning what i was going to do with my hands that day were truly profound and meaningful activities – this could have been as simple as making something – but his insight was that there was determination in my hands and my whole being that day – i don’t know how or what was his vision, but that touched me that day – we have a purpose-driven existence – to use your talents and powers to do powerful things. Once, a former pastor spoke to my heart – Rev D spoke to my heart while i was faultering and searching – I was in a rough spot just before i was able to enter my final stages in grad school – one of the most challenging times in my life – soul searching and struggling. Her personal stories and heart tugging messages were exactly what i needed at the right time. For my whole life i have been heartened by friends who walk the walk and have the genuine ability to share their genuine faith.  My faith also has grown in my understanding of my non-believer friends.  some of my dearest friends are of different religions and also of no religion – i see their goodness and perhaps cynical look at the religious establishment as the roadblock for them to believe in God – and yet they are good people – there is God in them. Sadly my faith or lack of faith has been challenged by others  yet this has enabled me to look inward for my motivations and not seek others for approval of my faith. My most motivation is to be me – to live a purposeful and optimistic life – this came when i was teen – God knows what happened – and God was there to move me back and move me forward.

Most recently my teachings to my students – my desire to figure out how to reconcile my doubts and my teachings and to seek more opening of my heart to the possibilities for me to believe in Jesus – these have all touched me recently – perhaps the ushering in of the christmas season has heightened the awareness of this movement in my heart which started almost a year ago  – and yet i am not ready to have an “Eureka” moment – i am trying to fill my soul with patience and nurturing love – so not to crash and burn – it takes time to nurture new thoughts – especially when i require my sand storm in my brain to settle down so that i can see clearly.  i needed to write this out – to ponder over it – to “download it from my brain”.  i have found new or renewed avenues of spiritual growth recently that i was lacking or ignoring – too busy to take time for myself – but i will try to keep my ears open (listen to the word more, study the bible more) and allow myself to grow in love for God and hopefully, prayerfully, for Jesus. these are private thoughts for me – but thoughts that God has known of me, forever.

Thanks God.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s