41

Weird Dreams, Snow and Jesus, 26JAN

I am so impatient – I am waiting for this snow – I want the fluffy snow that quiets life – makes things still – the snow I wrote about previously: “…waiting for the snow for those who enjoy the quiet – enjoy the sound-dampening air-pocket filled piles of big beautiful fluffy flakes covering the muddy-ucky ground – absorbing sounds – preventing hustle and bustle and causing peaceful quiet all around. no driving, no school, no work, no fuss, the world takes a rest. World peace exists. Perhaps you might hear God say “Be Still and Know that I am God”

Well – school is pre-cancelled – the boss already knows I am not coming into work and I have both my computer and enough vacation time to take… but on principle they promised a foot of snow and we have barely an inch… ugh
I am impatient with God too – I both want Him to speed up and to slow down… I am wishing that God would slow down and let me stay on my calm Christmas merry go round – where I FINALLY accepted Jesus (Praise the Lord) – I am telling God – slow down – I am not ready for Easter yet – THAT roller coaster – I have to wait in line for it – are you sure it is my time? I keep asking God… and yet God moved so quickly and moved my challenging mountain right in front of me – where I couldn’t go anywhere but up… he threw the ropes down and he gave me so many wonderful guides – and yet I hesitate – not trusting God fully… God says “GO!” So, yes – I know I am to climb THIS year – but THIS Easter – I thought it would take years but God said “GO!” …..

…….and so I want to go now – I want to just climb climb climb – I want the SNOW – I know that God never promised snow – I am impatient… I have all I need and yet I want more… God laughs – He won’t give me my snow until I deserve it.

But oh – to have that gentle fluffy white pristine snow…. NO! – I have wind – I have granular sticky slippery slope snow… God sent 50 mph gusts – going to blow me up that mountain if I keep pausing…

I became bold enough to speak yesterday about my spiritual growth and I didn’t even need my words – my Pastor could tell!! – he could tell that I had been changed by God – that I was so different – oh the joy we both felt was SO wonderful – He described Naaman to me – from Kings (and God-sightingly one of our VBS stories this year) – how Naaman had to not only dip himself into the river – he had to let himself go – he had to 100% completely let go – get himself out of the way -allow God to baptize him – and he had to BELIEVE 100% – well that is so much of the way I am feeling – I got myself out of the way by studying and finding where I lacked faith and found the faith – and yet my toes are just so barely touching the bottom of the river – I am so barely holding on – I am like ivory soap at only 99.44% pure – I am so so close – I WILL get there! I know it is God’s time – and I am to be patient… I just want to let myself GO – I feel I have to share my story and I know the people who are next to hear it – it is incremental – it is fast and slow – it is deliberate – it is in God’s time… with God’s words…

A crazy dream I had two nights ago – my unconscious dreaming finishes up random thoughts of mine – no I don’t think that God is speaking through angels in my dream – I think I am finishing thoughts – gluing them together – wrapping up loose ends…. a wacky dream and a profound dream back to back on Friday night – first wacky – I was being berated by the nicest person – randomness – about a rope hanging from a projector screen – no connection I can find with that – but the people and I have a connection – and the one yelling at me in that scene was the person being scolded a few weeks back for some misunderstanding by the other person in that scene – that seemed to be odd to me – and I spoke out to the one doing the scolding… and just a minute later everything was fine – laughter and no harm no foul – but that scolding – perhaps that populated my loose end random dream is what I accept and I move on…

THEN – the not so random dream came next – a VERY prophetic dream to me – I was hearing music – hearing Warren Zevon music and all of a sudden he was there – I think of Warren Zevon in his last days – his last album and “Knocking on Heaven’s Door” song rendition – knowing he had terminal illness – month to live at the most… how poignant … knowing you are going quickly to death. well – the music played and Warren Zevon was close to me – and the music played – there was a lyric about Jesus and I stopped to over-analyze – and somehow rewinded the music as if I had a cd player in my brain- and I listened to the song part over and over again – and oh how I wish I could remember the song when I woke up – the only stretch of the lyric I could remember was “come to Jesus – come and drink my cup”. and Jesus was walking towards me and holding the chalice and enticing me to drink from the cup. …. and then I woke up – UGH – I so wanted to just drink from that cup – UGH I now wish I had grabbed it and gulped – impatient!!!! Why did I wake up???? BUT – it was the most gentle beckoning in the dream – gently and “dreamy” – I was less than a foot away from Jesus when I woke up… so tried to repeat the dream – but it was gone…

No – I don’t believe it was any saintly vision – I feel it was ME wanting to draw closer – to “drink the kool-aid??” as they say??? I do feel it was me wanting to finish this journey and drink the cup – let go of that ledge with my toes in the river and just float – I so want that – I will get there – I am 99.44% – 99.44% is Ivory SNOW! UGH – “SNOW” – I just connected that in my brain – thanks God – you are ever present in my mind – and you pull it together when I try to unravel it… I need to be the one that “lets it happen” and doesn’t “make it happen”…. “Be still and know that I am God”

Christianity is a journey – ongoing – forever a trek – no promises for easy walks – sometimes a roller coaster – sometimes waiting impatiently until you accept – Maya Angelo wrote about Christianity: “It is in the search itself that one finds ecstasy”

My snow – God will bring it and float me in it – and make me 100% pure – I just have to let myself go…. snow…..