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Well, I made it through the Ides of March – not that I really thought that something bad would happen but my thought process was ready – it’s just that i was not sure if i was Julius Caesar or was Brutus – so I tried to be extra careful in my interactions at church anyway…

I don’t think God woke me up this 3AM – but now that i am up, I have been thinking about these unfinished pieces,   from feb and march – i have to get these out and released (unfinished because I never try to force my writing – i didn’t choose to have to write these – but I do choose consciously to process my thoughts this way) – maybe I won’t ever finish these – maybe I don’t need too…  God already listened to the thoughts that i couldn’t get down on “paper” fast enough – so here they are mostly uncut and raw…

*****  this is a long email – don’t read it all at once – there are 4 essays here – I think almost 7 pages in text *******    AND these pieces are separate  – they are just lumped together as the “unfinished ones” ******* I trimmed my list of people…. there are “just” 20 of you trusted folks on this email… not the 70 of “normal” emails ….. *******

I’ve got to release these unfinished pieces because i need to put them out of my mind – i need clarity…  it is a brand new week and I have SO MUCH to do before i take a trip overseas to the Europe in a week’s time…   I need to get these thoughts out of my head  – stop the distractions – i need to finish the taxes (well to the accountant anyway), lots at work to do at work before vacation, and got to do those ten things that I keep re-writing on the back of my hand…  plus all those new things I want to do – like sew, pack, dream, and write…  oh and maybe get more than 6 hrs sleep at night…. I want my 8 hours back…

Well – when my cup overflows it means my mouth does too  – and my writings – and in addition, yesterday, i overflowed my sink – running water for probably ten minutes, oops.  I started cooling boiled eggs for deviled eggs and walked away – a frying pan at the bottom of the sink stoppered the drain and ten minutes later my kitchen was half covered in water – like 8 giant bath towels worth of water – one way to clean the floor – but also a reminder that distractions are going to be a downside of this spiritual growth….  I won’t mention all the distractions I have because my daughter was fuming yesterday that I would post too much info about my day to day life – including my water flood on the internet…  well, she has no idea…..  sorry kid…..  so – do me a favor and don’t mention that I email you folks all this stuff – don’t tell her that i have been releasing my “journaling” – she is living the ughs of teenager life already….. don’t need to add fuel to the fire….

These four collective unfinished vignettes are called “Distractions/Unfinished Pieces: Mud,  Discernment, The Devil, and Mad Man Moon, 16MAR”

1) Unfinished: Mud:  (written just after GC camping and muddy fun trails – and not finished due to a distraction – )

The Subaru, the Mud, and BEING a Christian, 16MAR

Stepping out in a Christian way takes patience, perseverance, and sometimes full throttle acceleration thru MUD.
If people wait on the Lord, if they are adhering to “Be Still” to know that God is God, then why should we come in as that clanging gong, an air horn trying to wake them up…  Although it is great to toot the horn of Jesus – you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar…

But sometimes you so have to step out in a big way… put that accelerator down…plow forward knowing that you will get splashed with mud…
Subaru Forester mud… LOVE IT
… That’s what that car was made for…  out in the forest… out in the mud….
That’s what Christians were made for…out in the world… out in the mud…

You don’t have to be physically still to hear God – nope – God loves Mud…  Driving, singing, in a room of screaming kids, doing dishes, yup – you can “Be Still” there –  God is there too – Just because you can’t feel the earth moving doesn’t mean that it isn’t – just watch the sunrise or the sun set or the moon rise and you can visually see that the earth is moving.

See how big the moon or sun size appears when it is closer to the horizon than when it is high in the sky? It is the trick of the horizon and the angles of the light waves that hit your eyes – the trick on your perception when you know that the sun and the moon are of only one size…  your perception will change everything – everything you see – everything you hear – and that means that everyone else has their own perception too…

Some will challenge you… both non-believers and believers will challenge your beliefs – both will test your mettle – both will want to see you in mud while they stay squeaky clean…

You can’t brow beat the Bible into someone – you can’t “stand” on the bible –  I don’t like that image of a Bible under your feet – I would rather have the image of people lifting the bible up with their hands with their mouths…   instead of standing on the Bible – you can stand on your experiences – tell of the blessings you have seen from God – you can stand on history and facts – and you can stand on your hope – all while lifting the bible up – lifting up the stories of redemption – the stories of perseverance – and extol the joys of Love and Grace – free to all.

Sometime you have to challenge yourself – and step out – and put your Christian mettle on display – and embrace your fear and just go for it… accelerate into that flooded, mucky territory that people are afraid to go…

MUD – you will get covered in it as a Christian – if you are doing it right… and you will LOVE IT!

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2) Unfinished:

Compartmentalization and Discernment 16 MAR

How is Bill Murray funny?  How is he funny after one of his best buddies dies? Harold Ramis (Stripes, Ghostbusters, director of Groundhog Day) was brilliant, funny, and it’s seems so unfair for him to have died young…how does someone like Bill Murray get over his friends death and still continue to be funny. I bet he compartmentalizes.

Why do I sit I the edge of my chair, holding my tongue until the right opportunity arises too tell my story… I have to keep discernment… I have to wait for the right conversations, for the ebb and flow… I have to know my audience… I have to fit in with “normal” even when things don’t feel normal. And sometimes moments are just normal everyday moments and not special moments… sometimes a cloud that looks like a peace dove is just a cloud and not a miraculous sign that the whole world is supposed to take notice of…sometimes mopping the floor is just a task, not a miracle. Discernment…I pray for that everyday…

I think I always knew how to compartmentalize, separate sad thoughts from happy, tragedies from triumphs, put thoughts in my brain to draws upon but also to separate… right before I was “planning” to be inspiring and energetic at my UMW meeting, a friend told me of a terrible and yet swept under the rug tragedy… It WAS important for her to share that info –  and it WAS relevant to the situation, and it DID actually bring me down to a normal level instead of way off the diving board…which really I did need…I needed to compartmentalize my over-exuberance, store it for a bit, and address the issue at hand.

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3) Unfinished:
The Devil, 16MAR

Just as I wrote in my Lego piece (18DEC) – I have gathered bits of the bible lessons – the parable of the sower is a great way to describe people I know – and it is a way for me to start this discussion that i need to have about the devil – I hesitate to even say the name  – and even though I agree that you can’t pick and choose the parts of  the bible that pertain to you – I am not sure I ever really understood the devil in the biblical way  – this parable talks of little birds stealing seeds – that might be the devil image of my choosing – that the devil is an opportunist – just taking what he can get when you aren’t paying attention – taking and stealing joy…  I feel though that i have fought the devil well in my own life and journey – I have put him down for years – chastised him – and stomped my foot down and said no to those little opportunistic birds – they scatter and I pick up the seeds from the sower and saved them for another day…
… I used to wonder what attracted me to the song “A Case of You”  Joni Mitchell – “Oh I am a lonely painter. I live in a box of paints. I’m frightened by the devil. And I’m drawn to those ones that ain’t afraid.”

I always interpreted that to be me – (and not just because I enjoy my Joni Mitchell hair) – but that is me being drawn to those fun rebel-rousers – those bad boys – those tantalizing adventures that might await….   BUT, no, I was also afraid of those folks too – and too much of a control freak to let myself go down those paths…  yeah – maybe a fun thought – but no…

well – I am changing my tune – I realize that I am now drawn to those ones that ain’t afraid – because these people I speak of now – in my new balance and my new appreciation – are the people who don’t fear the devil because they are wearing the armor of GOD. SO many people are so gifted – and the number of people who are so beautifully led by God’s Holiest of Spirits is an inspiration to me…
If the devil is in the eye of the beholder – then there is a vast difference in how people relate to him – I know of a few who are like the seeds sown in thorns and the thorns choke out the good – is this the devil too?  or not?   is it simply the bitterness due to self-absorbed thoughts?  I don’t know…  perhaps hell on earth is the lack of pruning away the thorns inside of us…  ask God to sharpen your shears…

In preparation for valentines, I saw too many Lucifer sun catchers at the dollar store compared to the cupids… the devil pieces were moving so fast – twice the speed of the cupids and that was so sad to me – and yet the devil pieces were only being powered by the sun – so they too are not even allowed to take the credit for their own movements……  it is the torment in our lives between the pull of the cupid pure love and the temptations of Lucifer – I never really believed in the devil much – but now I do – you can’t pick and choose what you believe out of the bible – you have to accept the devil if you accept Jesus…  and watch out – the devil can creep up on you…..  but if you can praise the multitudes of blessings from God, then you have less time to worry about and get distracted from the seeds of the devil in your head….

some scripture:

Mark 4:1-20 The Parable of the Sower

1 Corinthians 12 New International Version (NIV)
Concerning Spiritual Gifts
Now about the gifts of the Spirit, brothers and sisters, I do not want you to be uninformed. 2 You know that when you were pagans, somehow or other you were influenced and led astray to mute idols. 3 Therefore I want you to know that no one who is speaking by the Spirit of God says, “Jesus be cursed,” and no one can say, “Jesus is Lord,” except by the Holy Spirit.

Ephesians 6:10-20. Spiritual battle.

2 Corinthians 11:13-15. Satan’s deceptive spiritual nature.

John 4:22-26. God is spirit.

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4) Unfinished:   Mad Man Moon – this Genesis song (full lyrics below) is my favorite on the Trick of the Tail album (I return to this album almost everyday for a snippet of relief and distraction from the hectic life) – I don’t know what this song really means  – I don’t know why it is my favorite – all these meaty 7 to 10 minutes genesis songs (pre-MTV generation and certainly before they worried about 3 minute airplay) are super cryptic and the authors doesn’t lend any official info – well, this song is a warning to me – about something – I don’t know…

Maybe Man Man Moon is about my worrying of my river flood of spiritual growth drying up – or someone or myself damming it up?  “Was it summer when the river ran dry, Or was it just another dam.”  Maybe it is worrying about taking off with the lack of discernment in a hubris display of excessive pride of defiance – this is what I pray for the most – discernment – between my holy spirit and blarney stone derived words and actions…  I see hubris creep up on me… I worry about conversations i am not ready to have – about forcing conversations and issues that should rest…  i wait for God’s timing but i am on such a speedy pace – I don’t know why….
….Well, “So I pretended to have wings for my arms, And took off in the air. I flew to places which the clouds never see, Too close to the deserts of sand, Where a thousand mirages, the shepherds of lies, Forced me to land and take a disguise. I would welcome a horse’s kick to send me back, If I could find a horse not made of sand.”
…It’s a warning- I know it is….  I pray for discernment and not to go here… “If this desert’s all there’ll ever be, Then tell me what becomes of me. “

“A fall of rain? Within the valley of shadowless death, They pray for thunderclouds and rain, But to the multitude who stand in the rain, Heaven is where the sun shines.”

whew – I hope I can prevent this  – I hope my mouth never causes my river to run dry….

Genesis – Mad Man Moon https://youtu.be/IQ_U4XkAarE
Mad Man Moon
Was it summer when the river ran dry,
Or was it just another dam.
When the evil of a snowflake in June
Could still be a source of relief.

O how I love you, I once cried long ago,
But I was the one who decided to go.
To search beyond the final crest,
Though I’d heard it said just birds could dwell so high.
…
So I pretended to have wings for my arms
And took off in the air.
I flew to places which the clouds never see,
Too close to the deserts of sand,
Where a thousand mirages, the shepherds of lies
Forced me to land and take a disguise.
I would welcome a horse’s kick to send me back
If I could find a horse not made of sand.
…

If this desert’s all there’ll ever be
Then tell me what becomes of me.
A fall of rain?
That must have been another of your dreams,
A dream of mad man moon.

…

Hey man,
I’m the sand man.
And boy have I news for you;
They’re gonna throw you in jail
And you know they can’t fail
’cause sand is thicker than blood.
But a prison in sand
Is a haven in hell,
For a jail can give you a goal
[and a] goal can find you a role
On a muddy pitch in Newcastle,
Where it rains so much
You can’t wait for a touch
Of sun and sand, sun and sand…
…

Within the valley of shadowless death
They pray for thunderclouds and rain,
But to the multitude who stand in the rain
Heaven is where the sun shines.
The grass will be greener till the stems turn to brown
And thoughts will fly higher till the earth brings them down.
Forever caught in desert lands one has to learn
To disbelieve the sea.
…

If this desert’s all there’ll ever be
Then tell me what becomes of me.
A fall of rain?
That must have been another of your dreams,
A dream of mad man moon.