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This post-Easter week I checked back in with myself… see where I am going… hopped back on the “Christmas merry go round” (one I wrote about in the Easter roller coaster piece) for comfort after my extended Easter roast coaster… it was a week of remembering all this things I have been neglecting, trying to jump back into work, a week where I didn’t take good enough care of myself from a wicked cold, of pausing and thinking….”where am I going?”

Where am I going?, 11APR-12APR
I guess I wonder if a golden opportunity opened and is shutting, or will shut… a balance between whether I continue writing for me, or for an audience I think I could reach…. whether I did just pause for me and it is time to be less needy and greedy for conversations with God that take the form of writing… yet my corrective action never had anything to do with writing, that was just the way I could empty/dump my brain down, to let God keep filling it up…hmmm…

Perhaps I was granted the luxury of taking the last few months as “Me time” (corrective action by God from Christmas to Easter, convenient huh? Alpha and Omega?…)… and I certainly was on an accelerated growth spurt!!!… Is it because that was the only time God could fit it in with the hectic, but awesome, life that HE has picked for me?… and certainly HE leaves me with no doubt over tasks put in front of me, spring is crazy, good, busy!!! So there is no need for me to rush myself right now, I have got plenty to do! I am never bored, ever!… NO need to rush God… The best quote this past week, my husband shared with me: ” If you say God is your co-pilot, then you are in the wrong seat.”

So, timewise I need to focus over life things like family, work, VBS, UMW, finances, and those times that I am the only one who can fulfill the kids and my husband’s, and my extended family’s needs…

So, do I take less time, or smaller chunks, for just “me time”? am I just justifying it as “me plus God time”?… and yet the “me and God time” felt SO good…. made me feel like I could change the world… but I have to be realistic…. just like everything in life, I can’t do everything… I have to focus on what I can impact… and especially now focus on what it is in my own world that needs me for me, where there is no substitute…. sigh……

So why do I worry so much about stuff? But I do…. simply worrying about whether I take too much me time IS taking too much me time….. sigh… I know the scripture, don’t worry, just pray…

Taking “me time”…Look at the vacation I took for me, visiting my family in Europe, people said I deserved it… did I? Well, yeah I did… because I know was also for my family in Europe too…. the joy for thirty plus people amplified my joy… they say they miss me more than I miss them, and there are so many of them, and just one of me… So “me” time is not just for me, .I would have regretted not going so much much more, especially if my elderly cousin had passed before I was there, and it was not a hardship for anyone anyway, the money was a bonus, the kids were all right, epic journeys are just that…epic and worthy…. and worthy to be repeated…

As I was sad to leave the new family I met, I knew it was just a window of opportunity… So likewise, I am sad thinking about taking less writing and less me time….even if I question if it might be time to move on….and get over myself… I wonder if this feeling of “i can change the world!” will subside? Maybe not… but maybe fall back to realistic levels? Yet, I do change my worlds, everyday, by being me, by using my God-given talents to organize, to rally, to lead by example… of course by tuning into people who need me to listen, like my kids, sometimes by showing that I am not to proud to be picking recycling out of a trash can, sometimes by simply having plastic Easter eggs hot glued to my car and making people smile… “Think Globally, but Act Locally”, great bumper sticker… great philosophy…

Thanks for listening; there are no easy answers, just keep moving… others remind me… I remind myself… and I remind others, for years using the MASH episode where Father Mulcahy questions his impact, and says: “It doesn’t matter whether you feel useful or not when you’re moving from one disaster to another. The trick, I guess, is to just keep moving.” I can see him looking up – then moving into the night and the blessed snowflakes.

So, it’s ok for me to pause on occasion, praise that I move not from disaster to disaster but mostly from joy to joy….and praise that praying too can also be done while moving…

I will keep trying to give up these new questions to God just like before… praise Him like before that I DO have questions… questions are good…. that’s the only way to clear my mind… So God can fill it again…

OK, keep moving…

 

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So, Mxxx, I really did appreciate your comment after the message…. about God providing… and Jesus saying “just do it”….. your message was spot on…. I needed to stop worrying about where I am going and just keep going… that reduction in stress of not worrying has been amazing… really knowing the Lord will provide…. that’s awesome….

Keep up the good messages