96

Well, I made it through the Ides of March – not that I really thought that something bad would happen but my thought process was ready – it’s just that i was not sure if i was Julius Caesar or was Brutus – so I tried to be extra careful in my interactions at church anyway…

I don’t think God woke me up this 3AM – but now that i am up, I have been thinking about these unfinished pieces,   from feb and march – i have to get these out and released (unfinished because I never try to force my writing – i didn’t choose to have to write these – but I do choose consciously to process my thoughts this way) – maybe I won’t ever finish these – maybe I don’t need too…  God already listened to the thoughts that i couldn’t get down on “paper” fast enough – so here they are mostly uncut and raw…

*****  this is a long email – don’t read it all at once – there are 4 essays here – I think almost 7 pages in text *******    AND these pieces are separate  – they are just lumped together as the “unfinished ones” ******* I trimmed my list of people…. there are “just” 20 of you trusted folks on this email… not the 70 of “normal” emails ….. *******

I’ve got to release these unfinished pieces because i need to put them out of my mind – i need clarity…  it is a brand new week and I have SO MUCH to do before i take a trip overseas to the Europe in a week’s time…   I need to get these thoughts out of my head  – stop the distractions – i need to finish the taxes (well to the accountant anyway), lots at work to do at work before vacation, and got to do those ten things that I keep re-writing on the back of my hand…  plus all those new things I want to do – like sew, pack, dream, and write…  oh and maybe get more than 6 hrs sleep at night…. I want my 8 hours back…

Well – when my cup overflows it means my mouth does too  – and my writings – and in addition, yesterday, i overflowed my sink – running water for probably ten minutes, oops.  I started cooling boiled eggs for deviled eggs and walked away – a frying pan at the bottom of the sink stoppered the drain and ten minutes later my kitchen was half covered in water – like 8 giant bath towels worth of water – one way to clean the floor – but also a reminder that distractions are going to be a downside of this spiritual growth….  I won’t mention all the distractions I have because my daughter was fuming yesterday that I would post too much info about my day to day life – including my water flood on the internet…  well, she has no idea…..  sorry kid…..  so – do me a favor and don’t mention that I email you folks all this stuff – don’t tell her that i have been releasing my “journaling” – she is living the ughs of teenager life already….. don’t need to add fuel to the fire….

These four collective unfinished vignettes are called “Distractions/Unfinished Pieces: Mud,  Discernment, The Devil, and Mad Man Moon, 16MAR”

1) Unfinished: Mud:  (written just after GC camping and muddy fun trails – and not finished due to a distraction – )

The Subaru, the Mud, and BEING a Christian, 16MAR

Stepping out in a Christian way takes patience, perseverance, and sometimes full throttle acceleration thru MUD.
If people wait on the Lord, if they are adhering to “Be Still” to know that God is God, then why should we come in as that clanging gong, an air horn trying to wake them up…  Although it is great to toot the horn of Jesus – you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar…

But sometimes you so have to step out in a big way… put that accelerator down…plow forward knowing that you will get splashed with mud…
Subaru Forester mud… LOVE IT
… That’s what that car was made for…  out in the forest… out in the mud….
That’s what Christians were made for…out in the world… out in the mud…

You don’t have to be physically still to hear God – nope – God loves Mud…  Driving, singing, in a room of screaming kids, doing dishes, yup – you can “Be Still” there –  God is there too – Just because you can’t feel the earth moving doesn’t mean that it isn’t – just watch the sunrise or the sun set or the moon rise and you can visually see that the earth is moving.

See how big the moon or sun size appears when it is closer to the horizon than when it is high in the sky? It is the trick of the horizon and the angles of the light waves that hit your eyes – the trick on your perception when you know that the sun and the moon are of only one size…  your perception will change everything – everything you see – everything you hear – and that means that everyone else has their own perception too…

Some will challenge you… both non-believers and believers will challenge your beliefs – both will test your mettle – both will want to see you in mud while they stay squeaky clean…

You can’t brow beat the Bible into someone – you can’t “stand” on the bible –  I don’t like that image of a Bible under your feet – I would rather have the image of people lifting the bible up with their hands with their mouths…   instead of standing on the Bible – you can stand on your experiences – tell of the blessings you have seen from God – you can stand on history and facts – and you can stand on your hope – all while lifting the bible up – lifting up the stories of redemption – the stories of perseverance – and extol the joys of Love and Grace – free to all.

Sometime you have to challenge yourself – and step out – and put your Christian mettle on display – and embrace your fear and just go for it… accelerate into that flooded, mucky territory that people are afraid to go…

MUD – you will get covered in it as a Christian – if you are doing it right… and you will LOVE IT!

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2) Unfinished:

Compartmentalization and Discernment 16 MAR

How is Bill Murray funny?  How is he funny after one of his best buddies dies? Harold Ramis (Stripes, Ghostbusters, director of Groundhog Day) was brilliant, funny, and it’s seems so unfair for him to have died young…how does someone like Bill Murray get over his friends death and still continue to be funny. I bet he compartmentalizes.

Why do I sit I the edge of my chair, holding my tongue until the right opportunity arises too tell my story… I have to keep discernment… I have to wait for the right conversations, for the ebb and flow… I have to know my audience… I have to fit in with “normal” even when things don’t feel normal. And sometimes moments are just normal everyday moments and not special moments… sometimes a cloud that looks like a peace dove is just a cloud and not a miraculous sign that the whole world is supposed to take notice of…sometimes mopping the floor is just a task, not a miracle. Discernment…I pray for that everyday…

I think I always knew how to compartmentalize, separate sad thoughts from happy, tragedies from triumphs, put thoughts in my brain to draws upon but also to separate… right before I was “planning” to be inspiring and energetic at my UMW meeting, a friend told me of a terrible and yet swept under the rug tragedy… It WAS important for her to share that info –  and it WAS relevant to the situation, and it DID actually bring me down to a normal level instead of way off the diving board…which really I did need…I needed to compartmentalize my over-exuberance, store it for a bit, and address the issue at hand.

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3) Unfinished:
The Devil, 16MAR

Just as I wrote in my Lego piece (18DEC) – I have gathered bits of the bible lessons – the parable of the sower is a great way to describe people I know – and it is a way for me to start this discussion that i need to have about the devil – I hesitate to even say the name  – and even though I agree that you can’t pick and choose the parts of  the bible that pertain to you – I am not sure I ever really understood the devil in the biblical way  – this parable talks of little birds stealing seeds – that might be the devil image of my choosing – that the devil is an opportunist – just taking what he can get when you aren’t paying attention – taking and stealing joy…  I feel though that i have fought the devil well in my own life and journey – I have put him down for years – chastised him – and stomped my foot down and said no to those little opportunistic birds – they scatter and I pick up the seeds from the sower and saved them for another day…
… I used to wonder what attracted me to the song “A Case of You”  Joni Mitchell – “Oh I am a lonely painter. I live in a box of paints. I’m frightened by the devil. And I’m drawn to those ones that ain’t afraid.”

I always interpreted that to be me – (and not just because I enjoy my Joni Mitchell hair) – but that is me being drawn to those fun rebel-rousers – those bad boys – those tantalizing adventures that might await….   BUT, no, I was also afraid of those folks too – and too much of a control freak to let myself go down those paths…  yeah – maybe a fun thought – but no…

well – I am changing my tune – I realize that I am now drawn to those ones that ain’t afraid – because these people I speak of now – in my new balance and my new appreciation – are the people who don’t fear the devil because they are wearing the armor of GOD. SO many people are so gifted – and the number of people who are so beautifully led by God’s Holiest of Spirits is an inspiration to me…
If the devil is in the eye of the beholder – then there is a vast difference in how people relate to him – I know of a few who are like the seeds sown in thorns and the thorns choke out the good – is this the devil too?  or not?   is it simply the bitterness due to self-absorbed thoughts?  I don’t know…  perhaps hell on earth is the lack of pruning away the thorns inside of us…  ask God to sharpen your shears…

In preparation for valentines, I saw too many Lucifer sun catchers at the dollar store compared to the cupids… the devil pieces were moving so fast – twice the speed of the cupids and that was so sad to me – and yet the devil pieces were only being powered by the sun – so they too are not even allowed to take the credit for their own movements……  it is the torment in our lives between the pull of the cupid pure love and the temptations of Lucifer – I never really believed in the devil much – but now I do – you can’t pick and choose what you believe out of the bible – you have to accept the devil if you accept Jesus…  and watch out – the devil can creep up on you…..  but if you can praise the multitudes of blessings from God, then you have less time to worry about and get distracted from the seeds of the devil in your head….

some scripture:

Mark 4:1-20 The Parable of the Sower

1 Corinthians 12 New International Version (NIV)
Concerning Spiritual Gifts
Now about the gifts of the Spirit, brothers and sisters, I do not want you to be uninformed. 2 You know that when you were pagans, somehow or other you were influenced and led astray to mute idols. 3 Therefore I want you to know that no one who is speaking by the Spirit of God says, “Jesus be cursed,” and no one can say, “Jesus is Lord,” except by the Holy Spirit.

Ephesians 6:10-20. Spiritual battle.

2 Corinthians 11:13-15. Satan’s deceptive spiritual nature.

John 4:22-26. God is spirit.

—–
4) Unfinished:   Mad Man Moon – this Genesis song (full lyrics below) is my favorite on the Trick of the Tail album (I return to this album almost everyday for a snippet of relief and distraction from the hectic life) – I don’t know what this song really means  – I don’t know why it is my favorite – all these meaty 7 to 10 minutes genesis songs (pre-MTV generation and certainly before they worried about 3 minute airplay) are super cryptic and the authors doesn’t lend any official info – well, this song is a warning to me – about something – I don’t know…

Maybe Man Man Moon is about my worrying of my river flood of spiritual growth drying up – or someone or myself damming it up?  “Was it summer when the river ran dry, Or was it just another dam.”  Maybe it is worrying about taking off with the lack of discernment in a hubris display of excessive pride of defiance – this is what I pray for the most – discernment – between my holy spirit and blarney stone derived words and actions…  I see hubris creep up on me… I worry about conversations i am not ready to have – about forcing conversations and issues that should rest…  i wait for God’s timing but i am on such a speedy pace – I don’t know why….
….Well, “So I pretended to have wings for my arms, And took off in the air. I flew to places which the clouds never see, Too close to the deserts of sand, Where a thousand mirages, the shepherds of lies, Forced me to land and take a disguise. I would welcome a horse’s kick to send me back, If I could find a horse not made of sand.”
…It’s a warning- I know it is….  I pray for discernment and not to go here… “If this desert’s all there’ll ever be, Then tell me what becomes of me. “

“A fall of rain? Within the valley of shadowless death, They pray for thunderclouds and rain, But to the multitude who stand in the rain, Heaven is where the sun shines.”

whew – I hope I can prevent this  – I hope my mouth never causes my river to run dry….

Genesis – Mad Man Moon https://youtu.be/IQ_U4XkAarE
Mad Man Moon
Was it summer when the river ran dry,
Or was it just another dam.
When the evil of a snowflake in June
Could still be a source of relief.

O how I love you, I once cried long ago,
But I was the one who decided to go.
To search beyond the final crest,
Though I’d heard it said just birds could dwell so high.
…
So I pretended to have wings for my arms
And took off in the air.
I flew to places which the clouds never see,
Too close to the deserts of sand,
Where a thousand mirages, the shepherds of lies
Forced me to land and take a disguise.
I would welcome a horse’s kick to send me back
If I could find a horse not made of sand.
…

If this desert’s all there’ll ever be
Then tell me what becomes of me.
A fall of rain?
That must have been another of your dreams,
A dream of mad man moon.

…

Hey man,
I’m the sand man.
And boy have I news for you;
They’re gonna throw you in jail
And you know they can’t fail
’cause sand is thicker than blood.
But a prison in sand
Is a haven in hell,
For a jail can give you a goal
[and a] goal can find you a role
On a muddy pitch in Newcastle,
Where it rains so much
You can’t wait for a touch
Of sun and sand, sun and sand…
…

Within the valley of shadowless death
They pray for thunderclouds and rain,
But to the multitude who stand in the rain
Heaven is where the sun shines.
The grass will be greener till the stems turn to brown
And thoughts will fly higher till the earth brings them down.
Forever caught in desert lands one has to learn
To disbelieve the sea.
…

If this desert’s all there’ll ever be
Then tell me what becomes of me.
A fall of rain?
That must have been another of your dreams,
A dream of mad man moon.

95

Pi Day Eve, 13MAR

It’s not Friday the 13th, it’s “PI Day Eve”…. Tomorrow is Pi day of this 21st century….  .3 14 15, at 9:26 AM. Are you ready? I am will be ready but been kinda busy…. This year I have been so involved in God sighting and writings, and oh yeah….working full time an hour away and raising kids, being a wife, running a house, and helping the school play and girl scouts and running church committees and…. ? You name it…

See I have all my holidays mixed in together, not mixed up, but mixed in…. I am going to hang Easter eggs on my Christmas light outside…seems fitting…you wouldn’t have Easter without Christmas…  Pi Day – just an extra joy to add into the mix.

Ok PI Day for PI 3.1415926…..it’s a constant, a mathematical constant, the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter. IT”S COOL….no matter how geeky you are, you have to admire mathematical constants, they always are consistent and they always are right, and they always are cool….

Oh yeah, can you think of something else like that? Yes, I can!!!

That constant is God.

God’s a constant, a life constant…no matter how you divide God… God Jesus Holy Spirit…  God remains a constant in our lives…IT”S COOL….no matter how happy/sad you are, you have to admire God as a constant, always consistent and always right…

Thanks Be to God!

94

I AM the Experiment, 12Mar

It is becoming more and more clear to me every day that I am God’s experiment.

It’s not that I have to experiment with God. But, He is having fun experimenting with me and my friends. I think it is because i am taking all this in stride and in fun and that I am accepting that the signs I see are for my benefit and not for my distraction.

I have been trying to read this book (and I don’t like read for fun), called E squared by Pam Grout, for my neighbors “life improvement club”. Now I know it sounded a bit hokey to me, but you know when a neighbor opens the door, says walk right in, and she really helps me with my exercising, my diet, and has just a great life energy…. well, you know we should ALL be so lucky to be in this club and to have a open-door neighbor like that!…. So I’ve been trying to read this book and every week looking up the “experiment”. So, one experiment this week… with a wire in a clothes hanger and feeling energy… well I didn’t do that – not just because it sounds hokey – but because i didn’t like that the quote at the top of the page was from a debunked plant scientist whose experiment showing plants hooked up to polygraph tests have emotional energies when you do bad things to them… well, no… my professors for my Plant Biology PhD degree would talk of how that guy was debunked – bad controls – so there! silly book – really??…. That said – the experiment was to show “i have my own energy”. My own energy? – GEEZ- I actually got that one covered!. “show yourself that you are a force of energy… and then that energy will attract things and people to you …” “Well duh!!!” !!!! God’s been giving me energy beyond the already amazing energy I already had even before this great spiritual growth… even before I had so many people gravitate to me for some energy – my friend even rubbed my arm to see if she could transfer it. Well – it’s energy from God inside us!!! The light comes from God and we have to open ourselves to let it shine through! That’s where we get the energy, my friends! My friends call me a “Soul on Fire” and matched me to the new Third Day praise music song – two of these friends sent me the you tube link within 20 minutes of each other and when i sent it to a third friend, that friend has also had just purchased that whole album in the same time frame – wow – triple wow…. a fourth friend sent me the whole you tube play list yesterday – it’s energy flowing back and forth from all sides – music therapy is my theme this week anyway… so it fits….its energy not for our personal benefit – even though we certainly reap plenty of benefits from it – it is energy for the benefit of others who get to share in it!

Anyway – so i am that experiment – check the box – energy accepted and flowing….
The other experiment… I flipped to that page on my electronic smartphone version that speaks the book to me while i drive – ain’t that convenient?! I said okay I’m going to try this because i wasn’t going to do the other one and I hate looking unprepared at any meeting… My neighbor told us this one takes 2 days to do. You are supposed to pick something that you want to notice every day…. anyway the experiment for this chapter is that I am to notice something that you just haven’t been paying attention to… like look for a certain color car and then start counting how many you see. Because once you make the intention to look for something – you know all of a sudden your eyes are opened to amazing sights – umm……. “DUH!!”……. An activity I have enjoyed for years – that annoys my family – is that i call out EVERY Subaru Forester I see! Did I tell you that I love my Subaru Foresters? Yeah – unless your eyes and ears are welded shut, you should have picked up on that by now… Well, guess what? That experiment IS me… I have actually been doing a brand new version of this experiment for the last 3 months too – intentionally?!? I don’t know… I’ve been noticing box-shaped cars – cars that on back the end look like they are cubes with sharp ends. I think multiple reasons for this one is that 1) I love my boxy-shaped Subaru Forester EXCEPT what I don’t like is every model that comes out now is getting less and less box-like in the back…. 2) my then boyfriend and I while dating in college both admired the brand new Jeep Cherokees that had that very boxy look… 3) I’ve been noticing these Ford “Transit” trucks that are just so cute… same with the “cube” cars with boxy rounded edges and 4) it probably doesn’t hurt that a major god-sighting that happened to me three months ago involved a boxy car – after my initial contact to that first friend to discuss my faith issues, that friend said “let’s talk soon” and less than 10 hours later he was directly across the street when I was driving out of my section, he was getting his car repaired and I noticed his car…. And he said to himself: “I think that’s Deb’s car” – So – you see – perhaps it is not me noticing these God-sightings – perhaps it is my car… hmmm…..no, it’s me… Well anyway, in the last 3 months, I notice EVERY one of these boxy cars and i look for them – maybe a hundred or more – yeah this experiment was already in progress in me – BECAUSE THE EXPERIMENT IS ME!!!!

God must experiment with lots of people – probably everyone right? Just I got clued in on this – and probably because I am supposed to do something with this knowledge and observation right??? I was thinking about writing this piece while driving – and I saw this cool green colored CUBE car (green is the color of the month if you didn’t already catch that). I noticed the car in the right lane on the turnpike and it had a bumper sticker of the “Lady of Guadalupe”. This is my favorite version of artwork of Mary!!! I have a beat up card of her somewhere in my purse –

I am a recovering Catholic, OK? So i really miss having Mary- she disappears in the protestant church – except for at Christmas – even my mentor professor (who is Jewish) when I was an undergrad in my summers back home, had a gorgeous famous painting in his living room of Mary.

Yes when I saw that Lady of Guadalupe on that car I said “yep, I have to write this today” – I AM the experiment – and I couldn’t be more pleased. I think God picked me to be an experiment in this manner because I’m having so much fun being open to the way the Holy Spirit flows…

And my friends are having so much fun with it too! I see my friends also becoming souls on fire.

Of course – I am not naive enough to think that this is always going to be fun and games.. There is pain here too – just less fun to write about…. Today, I also saw a square box truck right in front of me – it was a casket manufacturer’s truck… When you see those trucks – or a funeral progression – it reminds you of your mortality. I think God has to remind us that it ain’t all fun and games here – but don’t worry after you are done on Earth, He has a better place… I drive thousands of miles each year – 13 years 90 miles round trip each day to work – I am so clear that driving is VERY dangerous. Sometimes I do wonder how will I meet my end… will it be in a
fiery crash? I’m not trying to get depressing here, but if I do meet an untimely
death – please have balloons at my funeral! i want to be remembered for happiness and cheer.

I do not want to be cremated because my friend told me soon as you die you have a few loose ends to tie up, so don’t get cremated. I would like Amazing Grace sung at my funeral (sang it at my wedding and I’ve been singing it ever since) and it is AMAZING all the GRACE the people of the world have. Also – i would like real silverware – paper plates are fine, but I want real silverware for the lunch afterwards. OK? That’s not too much to ask for, right? Anyway, I will steer clear of those casket trucks in the meantime – and I will continue to be God’s experiment
for his enjoyment… And I will continue to write, and to be a witness for my friends about how much fun it is to be an experimental soul on fire.

Have a Blessed day! I am certainly having one every day – we all are – we just don’t recognize it all the time…it’s fun when you do…

email about my awakening story presentation:

I wrote Pastor:

I poured some of the extra grape juice onto the soda bread from last night to moisten it up this morning and it didn’t soak in it for like a minute…. I said “holy you know what”….that bread unleavened by God is so dense, it doesn’t absorb Jesus blood…. oh…

Pastor wrote back: “Like some of us!”

92 My condensed story for presentation

Here is my text for telling my story to my first mixed audience …at umw… half who have been reading my story and the other half whom I haven’t had a chance to tell yet… Obviously still a safe audience for me to step out in, I always say I could just go up there and smile and these ladies would be happy, I am so blessed to have the support I have, just existing makes these ladies happy and proud … how could you ask for anything else. Makes it easy to stand there each month… And now I move from being a good meeting leader to being the spiritual leader I need to be, the spiritual leader God wants me to be.

> ———- Forwarded message ———-
> From: “debbie”
> Date: Mar 10, 5:28 PM

My Condensed Story for UMW Presentation, My Conversation from Soda Bread to Yeast-Leavened, 10MAR

While preparing for Communion this evening at UMW – i remembered back to a couple of years ago when i forgot to purchase the bread – oops – well luckily i had made irish soda bread for the snack that night (was a recipe from my non-Irish but east European-heritage mom) – luckily we still were able to break bread with Pastor. So, yesterday, preparing for today I thought – I wonder if I should make Irish soda bread?  I checked with Pastor and he said sure – if there was enough time to make it  – well I never have enough time for anything – but I have learned how to make time – so I made some bread this morning – couldn’t find the recipe – but i got one off the web that said  “on St. Patrick’s Day, save a spot on the table for Irish soda bread to remember how far the Irish have come from the days when it was the only thing on the table to today when our tables are filled with good things to eat and thoughts of the Famine years (An Gorta Mor) are long forgotten.”

Yes – we shouldn’t forget how far we have all come from our famine years – but for me that meant something different – it also means I forgot that yeast bread is traditional for communion

Yes – i remembered that I taught a Sunday school class not too long ago that used yeast as an example – used it for the living organism used to make bread and wine – and that Jesus was living and he was the one we are to remember when we break the communion bread –

The act of communion is to remember the last supper and the time just before Jesus was crucified, died and was risen – all for us – for each and every one of us…  see Jesus was sent by God to show us the way to Heaven and to show us the way to Peace here on Earth – by LOVE – the greatest commandment is LOVE

Well, I knew that – but I forgot that – and i forgot that until i was thinking about irish soda bread… i forgot that  Sunday school lesson of using yeast bread as an example of Jesus.  and baking soda is man-made – not alive…  Irish soda bread represents man-made leavening… not God-made leavening…

Well, I also taught you a bible timeline and used yeast as an example of Jesus as a catalyst – where the addition of yeast to hydrogen peroxide and dish soap caused it to foam and overflow – and that this related to the spread of Christianity – that God sent Jesus to be the catalyst for change – to make the reaction go faster…  and now I am going to tell you that when i taught that experiment about a year or more ago – that that experiment changed me – not just the chemicals – but it actually changed me –

Yes – that experiment is how I became a Christian…  now, please believe me that I always loved God – and I even believed in the Holy Spirit – but I had a mental hang-up on whether Jesus was real – yeah i know, your president of UMW – a Sunday school teacher – person in charge of vacation bible school – I didn’t know if Jesus was really real – i didn’t know if he existed – if he was just another prophet with a good publicist…  none of this cast doubt on God – but i doubted man-made stories – how could i really trust the new testament to be real..

Well – that yeast experiment opened my brain and I said – hmm…  maybe God did send Jesus to be the catalyst of change – and i meditated on that – I prayed – i started to ask questions of my own belief system – you see – I had most everything in my head – but i didn’t’ accept it – i had it in my heart – but I didn’t allow my brain to believe it – and I was stuck – I needed help – i questioned myself – and I questioned a few trusted souls…  and one day – three months ago today – Dec 10th – I wrote a 5 page diatribe out – I only shared it with one person – whom I asked to be non-judgmental- someone whom I listened to guest sermons from – in the safe sanctuary of my car – sermons that touched my heart AND my head – and made me think – and he always said at the end – “Don’t let this opportunity pass you by, to be changed by the Holy Spirit” – and offered at the end of the sermons to pray with you if you had any questions and movement in your heart…. so well, I took him up on that offer – and I sent him my 5 page diatribe – carried it out of embarrassment for a week hidden in my car and then I got up the nerve and sent it as well as two other pieces, Christmas Flood (Dec 17^th) and Lego Christianity (Dec 18^th), to him – and soon he replied that it was “very honest and intense in a good way” and that we would talk soon – and guess what? – literally the NEXT morning I pulled out of my section from a completely different entrance onto the main road and guess who was right across the street at the car repair shop – outside? Yup, our cars recognized each other -there he was… God placed him there I am sure… And in our 10 minute conversation, and in one a few days later…in those conversations I was able to be so honest about how I did not question God but I questioned what man may have made up… questioned what I believed in… that started a month of continued conversations with so many people from all sides of my life… including both scholars who showed me the data and the writings of the new testament…this led me down and up the narrow path…right into Jesus.

Yeah – that started a series of God-sightings, unexplained interventions in my spiritual life – Christmas – a flood of good things – i had so much going on that i had to figure out how to process this all – and I started to write – and guess what? I haven’t stopped writing since – I have written and written – I have over 150 pages – Dec/Jan is all processing and Feb is all praise…  March is more processing and praise.

I have listened in my car to so many sermons (both from our guest sermonist and from Pastor (whose sermons do speak to me now – so differnt than before because my ears were CLOSED) and now I listen to others sermons, and of course praise songs in my car – my Subaru, that is my temple – I have read and studied the bible in it – especially when a verse of a song points me there… I listen to all the clues God places in my path. I am in a feeding frenzy – I have shared with first one person and then three and then a dozen – and now 100. I must say that my biggest vocal pep band leader-cheerleader – you name it …to reply to EVERY single one of my early essays – all 150 pages – was/is Pastor S…she has encouraged me like no other. And “K”, my pocket counselor, had been the most carefully conscious and concerned for me…truly a great friend…

and then, finally, on Jan 25th- I finally got a quiet moment to talk to Pastor – and he said “I KNEW!!”  – you cannot imagine how blown away I was…  what a joy for both of us! And that joy continues … New conversations, about faith, science, relationships,  I am, we are, so blessed with an amazing Pastor!

With an original admission that was embarrassment and questioning – I grew into a sincere seeker – and GOD IS GOOD – He is so good – he has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams ever since – the small miracles and god-sightings i have seen – I have been a part of – well, I don’t’ have time to tell you everything now – but Praise the Lord, I have been writing them!

Yes, over 150 pages for this story. I would be glad to send the whole packet to anyone.

I am not embarrassed now to tell my story…I have been empowered to tell it- –

I have been put here for a reason – and I don’t know why this was God’s timing – – I am 45 years old… God said now is your time to shine, so let’s fix this, let’s throw so many God sightings your way that you have no choice but to believe, and no choice but to tell your story, which is really God’s story, not mine.

When God put a mountain right in front of me and told me it was time to climb – well I had no choice to go anywhere else – I had to start climbing – I had to accept that this is where God was taking me -from skeptical cynic to sincere seeker in just over 50 days…I got to 99.44% pure, like ivory soap.

Then, I FINALLY GOT IT – and Feb 1, – Superbowl Sunday – after I had lunch with the women’s retreat planning women – which was immediately after I was blessed to hear from a wonderful friend part of their story of becoming a Christian. So, after lunch (where we saw an American Bald Eagle in flight), “K” offered for me to come for a cup of hot cocoa and decompression at her house…  But I got lost and found my car near the 911 reflection garden – never been – that’s where I stopped and I went to hold the trade center steel beams – I held them and prayed for the 3000 lost, prayed they were found – and prayed for the evil doers in the world- I then went from 99.44% believer in Jesus to 100%. There were coins filling the inside of the beans and I flipped over a plastic gold coin that had John 3:16 on it – God so loved the world that he sent his only son – on superbowl Sunday – a scripture always tied to athletic events because of the signs people hold up – and for the first time ever – I KNEW I believed it – 100% . I was filled with warmth – I really believed it… first time ever…I became Christian 100%.

So – back to the soda bread story – I realized that I WAS the soda bread – leavened by man-made means and not risen to the level that GOD wanted me to be – I was not there – I am SO there now –

See I am half Irish but my other side is from a place I’m going to journey home to in only 2 weeks, over to Europe.  My mother’s maiden name is xxxxxx which means CROSS… this speaks to me that I am not complete without Jesus… BOTH  sides I need  to be myself.. I need the cross of Jesus to make me whole.

I am so humbled to have God work on me and send the Holy Spirit to me. I am now the yeast bread…leavened by Jesus as the yeast…created by God’s will…filled with the Holy Spirit…And ready to share wherever and whenever God’s good news.
I ask that we have communion with both breads…Have two pieces….yeast for those accepting, and soda bread for those who were like me, a few short month ago, pray that they become sincere seekers…Please pray for them to find their way.

I am in Pentecost – I am in thanksgiving – Christmas – a new year – Valentines – St. Patrick’s – lent – Easter and most definitely in Pentecost – the Holy Spirit is coming strong and sure – and blowing me to places unknown – and sending his energy and fire through me and into whomever I can see – I can talk to – and I can inspire – and yet – this is not any of my doing – I just let it happen – and all this is due to GOD… and if anyone is getting any ripple effect from this it is because they are just witnessing my witness, and then they themselves are allowing God’s Holy Spirit to work in them. It is not my doing….and I take no credit.

Praise God and may Jesus receive the honor He is due!!!

Amen

91

Well, today has been one of those days…  and I have so much to do…  but I have to write – I have no choice – it is my therapy…Thanks for being on this journey – i never  intend to burden anyone – there are just about 40 on this email – maybe it’s because I am almost at day 40 of being 100%. hmmm…

God Therapy, Tears and Re-Confirmation (Soubirous-Subaru-style), 10MAR

God has been my “All in All”.

The Holy Spirit fills me – and moves me – taking me to places unknown – the path is narrow but it is sure.

Jesus shows me the way – keeps me humanly possible to achieve who I am meant to be.

Music has been my muse and therapy.

The writing has been my spiritual-flood therapy, as well as the way I am sharing my journey.

I have been feeding on Scripture, Sermons and Song.

…and the Subaru?  That brings it all together – I find my rest – my temple – my quiet still place – my salvation all came in the Subaru.  It “unites” all these things together – a fitting translation of the Japanese word “Subaru”.  All these things while I am not standing still but constantly moving on my journey!

So today’s music therapy confirmed a thought about my eventual confirmation service.  No, I don’t need to be baptized again – I don’t need to be called “born again” – I will accept the term “awakened”. I will call this “corrective action by God”. And every day has been confirmation – God throwing mountains in my way and telling me to climb – God showing me more miracles and signs than I deserve to see – God has my back…  He comforts me with friends and faith – with GRACE – he aligns the stars, planets, the moon, and the sun – and the SON – to shine upon me…  He makes me notice all these things with praise – and forces me to process my thoughts to prose.

Today’s music therapy comes from Paul Simon – always one of my favorite artists – maybe my favorite – both as solo and as Simon and Garfunkel…  these are my favorites as well: Sting, Joni Mitchell, Billy Joel and Warren Zevon…  there are others too – like the Beatles, the Moody Blues, the Greatful Dead, Tom Petty…..  But Paul SImon has sustained me from my youth – my favorite song “Scarborough Fair” – i have all the albums – another set of resources for my ongoing life therapy.

Today’s songs included a couple songs that moved me this morning – moved me to write…  But this song – “Cool Cool River” this morning – in the Subaru – while I was thinking of the way i want to be confirmed again… this song is the one that moved me to tears – “Cool Cool River”  the lyric “I believe in the future …I may live in my car…My radio tuned to… The voice of a star”

Yeah – I so want to go through re-confirmation for my own selfish reasons – I know God confirms with me everyday – visions? well not to the level of my confirmation name St. Bernadette Soubirous – the Lady of Lourdes –  I have a whole lot to write about her – about me….I grabbed her name for confirmation class as a teen from a favorite movie… NO, I am not seeing her vision – and I don’t expect miracle healings from my words – but my experience feels like i am seeing miracles everyday – that is until you realize that this is the “new normal” for me and miracles are EVERYWHERE – just like GOD is EVERYWHERE…  Please believe me when i tell you that i did not chose to take up this journey by my own doing… to have this path – it was chosen for me – and i accepted it when God moved the mountain path right in front of me and told me to climb…  and he reminds me every day to continue to take his path –  don’t stray – even though i don’t always see where I am going…

You know – it is not lost on me that the pronunciation of  the last name of French St. Bernadette Soubirous sounds EXACTLY as it is written – Subaru – sigh…..been thinking about that for at least a week … I wonder, God, have YOU been planning that since the early 1980’s when I was confirmed? or when I was born?  How long do you tinker for fun and faith in this sandbox called Earth? How do you have time for me and for everyone?  Tell me, please, when i get to Heaven, OK? I am dying to know how YOU do it all…. Please tell St. Peter to give me a golden ticket to see how YOU do it all…

So – Yes – after I go through some more study – and i am not ready yet – i will plan a personal confirmation service – but not in church…. sure, i will re-confirm verbally (without being called out) when the teen confirmands take their oaths of faith in the late spring – but I actually want to take my re-confirmation – my REAL confirmation – in my Subaru – with my “core 4” inside and maybe (just maybe) I will invite a couple more – this is not a public confirmation show – it is a private personal journey – a personal confirmation – to “Unite me” – to “Subaru-me” to God’s plan for the rest of my life….to help me find Peace.

——–

Cool Cool River – Paul Simon

http://youtu.be/7LUyp34g3p8

Moves like a fist through traffic

Anger and no one can heal it

Shoves a little bump into the momentum

It’s just a little lump

But you feel it

In the creases and the shadows

With a rattling, deep emotion

The cool, cool river

Sweeps the wild, white ocean

Yes, Boss–the government handshake

Yes, Boss–the crusher of language

Yes, Boss–Mr. Stillwater

The face at the edge of the banquet

The cool, the cool river

The cool, the cool river

I believe in the future

I may live in my car

My radio tuned to

The voice of a star

Song dogs barking at the break of dawn

Lightning pushes the edge of a thunderstorm

And these old hopes and fears

Still at my side

 

Anger and no one can heal it

Slides through the metal detector

Lives like a mole in a motel

A slide in a slide projector

The cool, cool river

Sweeps the wild, white ocean

The rage, the rage of love turns inward

To become prayers of devotion

And these prayers are

The constant road across the wilderness

These prayers are

These prayers are the memory of God

The memory of God

And I believe in the future

We shall suffer no more

Maybe not in my lifetime

But in yours, I feel sure

Song dogs barking at the break of dawn

Lightning pushes the edges of a thunderstorm

And these streets

Quiet as a sleeping army

Send their battered dreams to heaven, to heaven

For the mother’s restless son

Who is a witness to, who is a warrior

Who denies his urge to break and run

Who says, “Hard times?

I’m used to them

The speeding planet burns

I’m used to that

My life’s so common it disappears”

And sometimes even music

Cannot substitute for tears

———

 

the whole Paul Simon Greatest Hits album will be my therapy today…typing as i listen…

http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL1T0hHFDjgDEsdJmnvTbE0eZpHgzWMxGc

 

– from “Graceland” –

There is a girl in New York City

Who calls herself the human trampoline

And sometimes when I’m falling, flying

Or tumbling in turmoil I say

Oh, so this is what she means

She means we’re bouncing into Graceland

 

 

– from “You can call me Al”

He looks around, around

He sees angels in the architecture

Spinning in infinity

He says Amen! and Hallelujah!

 

 

– from “The Obvious Child”

I’ve been waking up at sunrise

I’ve been following the light across my room

I watch the night receive the room of my day

Some people say the sky is just the sky

But I say

Why deny the obvious child?

 

The way we look to a distant constellation

That’s dying in a corner of the sky

These are the days of miracle and wonder

And don’t cry baby don’t cry

Don’t cry

 

 

– from “Take me to the Mardi Gras”

And I will lay my burden down

Rest my head upon that shore

And when I wear that starry crown

I won’t be wanting anymore.

Take your burdens to the Mardi Gras

Let the music wash your soul

 

 

– from “Hearts and Bones”

Easy time will determine if these consolations

Will be their reward

The arc of a love affair

Waiting to be restored

You take two bodies and you twirl them into one

Their hearts and their bones

And they won’t come undone

Hearts and bones

 

 

– from “Bernadette” –  oh! my confirmation namesake!  – yeah the whole song speaks to me – i am not going to post this whole song – but it brings a smile to my face 😉

Come with me

There’s a place I want you to see

When the leaves are dark

I’ve got a hiding place in Central Park

And the sky is a coat of diamonds

 

 

– from “Slip Sliding Away” –

God only knows

God makes his plan

The information’s unavailable

To the mortal man

We work our jobs

Collect our pay

Believe we’re gliding down the highway

When in fact we’re slip slidin’ away

Slip slidin’ away

Slip slidin’ away

You know the nearer your destination

The more you’re slip slidin’ away

Slip slidin’ away

You know the nearer your destination

The more you’re slip slidin’ away

Mmm…

 

– from “Still crazy after all these years” –

– YES – I AM – Still crazy after all these years!

90 EMAIL to Pastor and Music Therapy – Paul Simon “Senorita with a Necklace”

Pastor, I have been carrying this book in my car for probably 3 years now.. I don’t read but I knew I wanted to read it at some point … forgot I even had it.. till this morning God put it in my hand. I had emptied my car for camping … decided to bring my 4 cases of music cds back in because I’m looking for 1 particular paul simon song. And apparently this book came along in my arms with them… didn’t even know until I sat down in my car seat…I flipped my arms over and there it was…on top of the cds…ugh….God chuckles at me (that’s a good thing)…

Dalai Lama spirituality and science

Why God? Why show me so many signs? Why did you put that Paul Simon song in my head this morning to match the conversation I was having in my email? Which would force me to try to find it on cd? Why am I where I am? Why can’t I accept I stumble? Why I think because You want to remind me who I am. So blessed… Can You remind me any more than you and I are on a journey? Geez… Over and over again… whew… I am still in for a wild ride…

And I still haven’t found that song in my CDs yet…
“I know who I am, Lord knows who I will be”
…instead the first Paul Simon song that came on the greatest hits album is Graceland… “we’re all going to Graceland”…figures…

Here is the lyrics of the song in this cd collection somewhere, the one I was singing this morning:
“Senorita With a Necklace”
Words & music by paul simon
I have a wisdom tooth
Inside my crowed face
I have a friend who is born again
Found his savior’s grace
I was born before my father
And my children before me
We are born and born again
Like the waves in the sea
That’s the way it’s always been
And that’s how I want it to be

Nothing but good news
There is a frog in south america
Whose venom is a cure
For all the suffering that mankind
Must endure
More powerful than morphine
And soothing as the rain
A frog in south america
Has the antidote to pain
That’s the way it’s always been
And that’s the way I like it

Some people never say no
Some people never complain
Some folks have no idea
And others will never explain

That’s the way it’s always been
And that’s the way I like it
And that’s how I want it to be
That’s the way it’s always been
And that’s the way I like it
And that’s how I want it to be

If I could play all the memories
In the neck of my guitar
I’d write a song called
“senorita with a necklace of tears”
And every tear a sin I’d committed
Oh these many years
That’s who I was
That’s the way it’s always been

Some people always want more
Some people are what they lack
Some folks open a door
Walk away and never look back

I don’t want to be a judge
And I don’t want to be a jury

I know who I am
Lord knows who I will be

That’s the way it’s always been
And that’s the way I like it
And that’s how I want it to be
That’s the way it’s always been
And that’s the way I like it
And that’s how I want it to be

89) Music Therapy – IONA –  Divine Presence

I find it easy to sing with the Iona singer – especially for “Divine Presence”, a beautiful song…

“I wish this wind
Could carry words to me
To tell You what
Is in my mind
But deep within my soul
Your Spirit speaks
With words that I
Could never find”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gylRtwfh6p8

From Romans 8:26New International Version (NIV)  26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

I was having a conversation with someone and talking about “Be Still and Know that I am God” and he says he has a hard time being still – and I said that it doesn’t really mean you have to be physically still – obviously I hear God so much when I am not still physically but still mentally  – when I am in the car – I could be washing dishes and hear God – and you could be walking and hear God – i was talking to God while mopping two huge floors at camp – and that was really what I was feeling this weekend so much…  You can hear God in a room of 50 squealing kids…. yeah it’s easier to remove yourself from distractions – but it’s your mind that you have to still – not always your body…  besides, even if we were still, we are still moving – we are on the earth moving fairly fast when you watch the moon rise – you can’t feel it but you can see it – and it is pretty fast – astronomically-speaking  (wow astronomically is a real word?  it didn’t autocorrect it on me – wow – two new words today).  anyway – I explained that when I look at the moon I feel God and when I see Orion I feel God  and while I was walking the moon looked just like an eyeball – and then in the morning I was just walking to the lake to see the sunrise and just happened to look up and see the moon in the early morning – very comforting….

 

87, 88  emails

87A

Awesome!!!! I have so been wondering how everyone else feels with this awakening process!!!!!  I feel so overwhelmingly blessed….

You will have to tell me your story, I am so excited to hear…

On Mar 7, 7:40 AM, “Pastor” wrote:

AMEN!  Amazing!  This is so much my experience!  TRULY a kindred experience.  You are articulating/verbalizing/expressing for others. And they smile, their heads nod and they unknowingly say “Yes! That’s what I could have said. That’s what I meant or feel.”

Thanks & Blessings

Pastor

—–

87B

This whole experience is overwhelming and yet your advice of the “new normal” is really how I get thru the days…because God pauses me only long enough to write, otherwise he strives me forward to more and more amazing things…

Girl scout camp is awesome… gifted God’s Grace…

Smiles

Thanks for sharing not just the stories but your spiritual energy, Deb.

Love,

R

——

87C

On Mar 7,9:44 AM, “S”  wrote:

So glad the camping trip is going well and everything worked out. Enjoy God’s presence in nature.

—–

88A)

I am so lucky to have such great support and positive influences on everyside of my life…

The seven sister stars in the Pleiades watched over me tonight as always, while I used them in an astronomy and greek mythology badge lesson.   the sister moon too was my guide, walked with me to my home cabin along the frozen lake…breathtaking after an amazing day with my sister moms

Beautiful beyond words…..

Thanks …Pleiades and me…God only knows what’s in store for me, huh?

I have never read Job, ever…probably should read that whole book! Thanks for your help on the Greek gods and constellations…the 13 13 year olds were very interested and I teamed them up for constellation researching and finding them in the sky… it’s a bit scary to step outside my comfort zone to have taught them… but I have been out of my comfort zone a lot lately, huh?  

Job 38 NIV

The LORD Speaks
1 Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said: 2 “Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? 3 Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. 4 “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand. 5 Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? 6 On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone– 7 while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy? 8 “Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb, 9 when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness, 10 when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place, 11 when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt’? 12 “Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place, 13 that it might take the earth by the edges and shake the wicked out of it? 14 The earth takes shape like clay under a seal; its features stand out like those of a garment. 15 The wicked are denied their light, and their upraised arm is broken. 16 “Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep? 17 Have the gates of death been shown to you? Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death ? 18 Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this. 19 “What is the way to the abode of light? And where does darkness reside? 20 Can you take them to their places? Do you know the paths to their dwellings? 21 Surely you know, for you were already born! You have lived so many years! 22 “Have you entered the storehouses of the snow or seen the storehouses of the hail, 23 which I reserve for times of trouble, for days of war and battle? 24 What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed, or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth? 25 Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain, and a path for the thunderstorm, 26 to water a land where no man lives, a desert with no one in it, 27 to satisfy a desolate wasteland and make it sprout with grass? 28 Does the rain have a father? Who fathers the drops of dew? 29 From whose womb comes the ice? Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens 30 when the waters become hard as stone, when the surface of the deep is frozen? 31 “Can you bind the beautiful Pleiades? Can you loose the cords of Orion? 32 Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons or lead out the Bear with its cubs? 33 Do you know the laws of the heavens? Can you set up [God’s] dominion over the earth? 34 “Can you raise your voice to the clouds and cover yourself with a flood of water? 35 Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they report to you, ‘Here we are’? 36 Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind ? 37 Who has the wisdom to count the clouds? Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens 38 when the dust becomes hard and the clods of earth stick together? 39 “Do you hunt the prey for the lioness and satisfy the hunger of the lions 40 when they crouch in their dens or lie in wait in a thicket? 41 Who provides food for the raven when its young cry out to God and wander about for lack of food?

On Mar 710:02 PM, “D” wrote:
> See Job 38:31
> D

—–

88B)

If you need a good “pick me up” sermon on this bright sunny Monday – one that makes you laugh –  then this is a great one!  (xxx email me for the link) This is my fairly new friend  – Pastor P – whom we “stumbled upon” – meaning he was GIFTED at the right place at the right time – because it turns out he is an alumni from my undergraduate institution!  He has had a great story of coming to Christ and also life-changing/saving surgery – and he is in such an upbeat phase of ministry – he is a pastor at xxx – lives locally with his wife and kids – and he wrote a book!  He is one of the 2 ministers (he and another) who provided me the academic enrichment sources that helped me get my brain fed for how the new testament was written – and that got my heart and brain in sink – and the rest is history!

The story he tells in this sermon is of his praying for a guy holding one those furniture signs near a local  store – well the story is as heart warming as it is hilarious… He would be good for a guest speaker at a youth conference – or anywhere!

there are so many many ways to get the word in – and whether you are feeling a soulful song – or an upbeat VBS song – or a quiet reading of the gospel –  a contemplative heart pulling message or a laughter-filled upbeat heart pulling message – there is sure to be a style that hits you right at the right time…  just have to tap into what feels right at that right moment…

luckily all these social media sermons and messages are out there – it is an endless smorgasbord – so this is just one more course option – enjoy!  its the most recent march 8th one – i haven’t heard any of his others – but after he posted on facebook that he had a simple and profound message – i put it on my “to-do” list to listen…..

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: debbie <
Date: Mon, Mar 9, at 12:22 PM
Subject: “Can I pray for you” message – great!!!!
To: Pastor P

WOW – i love your style!  That March 8th sermon is the first one i listened to…

Really energetic!!!!  I can see you walking around that stage even though i am just listening on the computer –  i loved it when you said the soil was dry (the 4 soils parable is one of my favorites)  – again and again i am hearing the reiteration of us needing to pray for people to get God to soften their hearts! we can’t do it – but HE can…

I liked your use of the props, the numbers and the word letters – really a great style to connect with people who are there to listen more deeply when you draw them in with a bit (well a LOT) of humor – there are really so many different styles and yours is definitely a good you-tube – inspirational speaker style – that fits you so well!!!! Obviously everyone’s style is so different – and certain styles fit different situation – and i see/hear the excitement in your voice carries a long way in touching the people in the audience and they could tell that you are for real and are connected in realty – and you are also a regular guy too…   and you accept that you might be crazy too  … cool…. you love being you and there is nothing more real to others than that…

The part about praying with people – about how when you say that when you quote scripture you are talking to their brains – but when you pray FOR that person they really feel it in their heart…   that has been a really neat and satisfying aspect of this new spiritual growth i have had –  that chik fila story and that guy with the signs…  tears in my eyes from laughing so hard and from such a touching story!!!!

It is so true that prayer touches the heart – i am so praying for your continued excitement – its awesome!!!!  and for your continues heart health!  and for your family – life is awesome isn’t it!?!!!!!

The job of the Pastor is to get the body of the church to go out and do the work of the church – so true – so true!!!  love that saying that our Pastor says – “Be the church!!!”  just like your “Be that bridge” – I really know we have a strong faithful congregation here and it is so clear to me that my leadership roles, my experiences, my energy is really here to support our Pastor and our congregation – and of course the extending out into the world – the people i get to meet everyday is so inspiriting – well i wrote inspiring – but that is a word isn’t it?  Inspiriting – i wondered why autocorrect didn’t fix it – well it must be a word?!! yup – I just googled it – it is a word – to inspirit is a transitive verb to fill someone up with the spirit….  Well – i am going to take that word for myself!!  Talking to people and hearing their stories is truly IN-SPIRIT-ING – filling my soul and their soul with the HOLY SPIRIT…  cool….  i mean hot…..  fire hot…..  throw some fuel on the fire and re-inspirit – up!

So, – what can I pray for YOU?  give me a specific and i will pray it!

GOD BLESS !!!!!

86

Sister Moon and Faith will be My Guide, 06MAR

These last two nights, my increasingly normal wake up call, between 2 and 3 AM, have found me turning over to see the beautiful full moon in my face. Why am I so lucky, why do I see what I see and why do I appreciate it so much?

I saw a fireball at 7pm last night…thought it was a bit brighter than a normal meteor…I told one friend (via email), who then told me they had seen their first shooting star last year….I remarked later to another friend that I couldn’t believe someone of my age to have only JUST seen one…And guess what? This friend had NEVER seen a shooting star….EVER….wow…. Why am I so lucky, why do I see what I see and why do i appreciate it so much?

I have seen many many shooting stars, and even this was not my first fireball sighting…This was bright and sustained…the best shooting stars I have ever witnessed were when I wasn’t looking for them! Last time I purposefully went to look for a shooting star, I sat quietly outside, but instead of a sky show, I watched a skunk creep up around me, I sat as still as I have ever sat in my life…had to wait him out about five minutes…yeah, I don’t go purposefully looking for shooting stars anymore!!!

The time I “camped” in a lake house, located way out in the sticks, couple of years ago, I saw the most amazing display of the Milky Way and dozens of shooting stars, plus satellites moving across the sky…at my undergraduate school, we saw the Milky Way wherever it was a clear night. Last month, I had come out of a very moving women’s meeting at church and saw a brilliant meteor streak thru half the sky…Yes, seeing falling meteors are so cool (i mean hot) when you don’t expect them.

Yes, life’s most amazing moments are when you don’t expect them.

Tonight, the moon was awesome…I am girl scout camping, and brought a telescope… The girls were excited to see the moon thru it. We were ALL excited to be camping, because our original camp cancelled due to snow…And I scrambled with my troop leader yesterday and landed a new camp, just 24 hrs notice, tears into triumph… we (50 of us) lucked out. …wow…. Why am I so lucky?

No, it’s more than just luck…I have faith…blessed with the gift of faith…

I remarked after landing this camp, with the simple clicks of my smartphone, that “this a great lesson for the girls and moms and families about how to not give up, how to pull on all your resources…And most of all – to have faith, whatever the outcome if you try your hardest, you know you did everything you could…And even though “you don’t always get what you want, you try sometime and you just might find… you get what you need!” “… just like the Rolling Stones sing…”

This time we lucked out…but only because others were there for us… This camp tip came from a friend (who, like me, has faith, fortitude and follow-thru) and a Park Ranger who was/is doing us a big favor…And this camp? It’s gorgeous, it’s warm, and it’s a gift.

Seeing the moon, the stars and the planets are a gift. The colder the night, the clearer we see. The more faith we have, the more we receive…And the more we appreciate.

I have faith that the moon is there to comfort us, to tug on our tidal waves of the heart and remind us that we not alone, we are never alone. Especially on these clear nights, we can “Be Still, and Know that I AM GOD”‘

I have faith in that God has a plan… even though I am not privy to that plan. It’s not predetermined fate…it’s still us moving and being moved….it’s when we appreciate life and open our eyes…it’s God’s Timing…it’s God’s gift… it’s God’s Love.

Thanks for the Gift of Faith, God. And let me know if there is anything I could ever do for You. I know You will…That I am faithfully sure of…

😉 😉 😉

—————————–
Lyrics – Sister Moon – Sting
“Sister moon will be my guide.
In your blue blue shadows I would hide.
All good people asleep tonight
I’m all by myself in your silver light.
I would gaze at your face the whole night through.
I’d go out of my mind, but for you.”

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Peas, Seeds, Snow as Rain Sustained, 04MAR

Using the 4 soils parable, I tend to wonder what soil everyone is in their faith journey. And I wonder what soil I am…or at least what soil I used to be…   See I am striving and striving to be the good soil – just enough of everything mixed in…  add the right nutrients, soil types…maybe with a few small stones thrown in to give drainage (decompression), strength and a little excitement…

So, what soil did I used to be? Well, it would certainly have been the DRY SOIL – because there were tidbits of the Word of God that I didn’t absorb, I got much of it, but not all… The dryness of my soil allowed the birds to eat some of the seeds – but NOT ALL the seeds, because the seeds of God and the Holy Spirit I absorbed and nourished, but most of the seeds about Jesus I DID SEE scattered along the path of life – although I didn’t partake in these seeds, I decided to protect them from the birds…. No I didn’t plant them in my soil – but instead I scooped them up and put them in my pocket… Whether I thought I would plant them or not later, I don’t know – but at least I had knowledge of these seeds of the Word of God – and I could certainly take them out of my pocket and show people these seeds and marvel at these Words of God…. Yes, the seeds I DIDN’T plant were the seeds of a real human Jesus – of a real Jesus in me as a savior…

But they were there in my pocket, some seeds dried up, I probably ate some too for nourishment… As I kept walking along the path of life, I noticed that the Holy Spirit swirled as a wind all around me….and then it started to sprinkle rain… and then I had a huge Christmas Flood. This flood of gifts from God forced me to take notice and dig some drainage ditches of retaining water – holding it until i could find all the seeds I had lost in my pocket. And I started to gather some more new seeds to replace the ones I let dry up… or ate…  or lost….  And then the Sun came up – and the Son too – yes, both were there to warm me and remind me to plant these seeds of Jesus in my brain and in my heart – and to keep them warm with God’s Love – and to share some with the other farmers of faith.

This year – these seeds are getting planted! Physically there are pea seeds going into the ground by St Patrick’s Day – it’s a much earlier a planting season then where I hale from (one whole month earlier – “get them in the ground by St Patrick’s Day” a carpenter friend told me).  Peas are one of my favorite fruits – and I always ate them right out of the garden. Even my grandfather (also a carpenter and a farmer) had his OWN garden – separate from the family garden, and he planted ONLY peas.  And he did share some with me.  When I planted peas in the past, I didn’t share them with hardly anyone – only family… I just ate most myself – except for those I forgot to pick… those went to the birds…

BUT this year, i am going to get these seeds into the ground on time, even if I have to shovel the snow to plant them safely down in the soil. See, the snow doesn’t bother me – the snow is a gift from God – it lets the soil rest – it is beautiful to cover the mud – it is “sustained rain”.

See, the Christmas flood and spring flooding rains are bad for the ground and can drown your seeds – in the ground and in your hearts… But the earth and these seeds – planted at St Patrick’s Day – will appreciate the slow-melting snow – a sustained rain – enough water to creep into the soil slowly – and replenish the earth for a wonderful spring.  The snow will cover the pea seeds and protect them from the birds – and the rabbits –  no stealing my seeds this year! And when/if I get a bountiful crop – I will plan on sharing them.

See, the seeds of a Savoir – of MY Savior – of MY carpenter –  have been and will be safely planted and nourished/protected in my heart this year – and every year.  If I lose a few to the rabbits instead of the birds, well, then I will just go get more seeds – I have a good source now….  I know exactly where to get the RIGHT seeds – they are free every year – every DAY – they are readily available and they are stored inside the right hand of the Father… And when I get a bountiful harvest of God’s Words this year, I will plan on sharing them with the Holy Spirit as my guide!

Amen!

Mark 4:1-20 (NIV)The Parable of the Sower

4 Again Jesus began to teach by the lake. The crowd that gathered around him was so large that he got into a boat and sat in it out on the lake, while all the people were along the shore at the water’s edge. 2 He taught them many things by parables, and in his teaching said: 3 “Listen! A farmer went out to sow his seed. 4 As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. 5 Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. 6 But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. 7 Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain. 8 Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, some multiplying thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times.”

9 Then Jesus said, “Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.”

10 When he was alone, the Twelve and the others around him asked him about the parables. 11 He told them, “The secret of the kingdom of God has been given to you. But to those on the outside everything is said in parables 12 so that,

“‘they may be ever seeing but never perceiving,
and ever hearing but never understanding;
otherwise they might turn and be forgiven!’[a]”

13 Then Jesus said to them, “Don’t you understand this parable? How then will you understand any parable? 14 The farmer sows the word. 15 Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. 16 Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy. 17 But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. 18 Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; 19 but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. 20 Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop—some thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times what was sown.”

Luke 8 (NIV) The Parable of the Sower

8 After this, Jesus traveled about from one town and village to another, proclaiming the good news of the kingdom of God. The Twelve were with him, ² and also some women who had been cured of evil spirits and diseases: Mary (called Magdalene) from whom seven demons had come out; ³ Joanna the wife of Chuza, the manager of Herod’s household; Susanna; and many others. These women were helping to support them out of their own means.

⁴ While a large crowd was gathering and people were coming to Jesus from town after town, he told this parable: ⁵ “A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path; it was trampled on, and the birds ate it up. ⁶ Some fell on rocky ground, and when it came up, the plants withered because they had no moisture.⁷ Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up with it and choked the plants. ⁸ Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up and yielded a crop, a hundred times more than was sown.”

When he said this, he called out, “Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.”

⁹ His disciples asked him what this parable meant. ¹⁰ He said, “The knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of God has been given to you,but to others I speak in parables, so that,

“‘though seeing, they may not see;
though hearing, they may not understand.’

¹¹ “This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God.¹² Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. ¹³ Those on the rocky ground are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. ¹⁴ The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life’s worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature. ¹⁵ But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.

 

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OK everyone I am bcc-ing on this email (about 30):
As I said, I am going to tell my UMW folks the whole back story next Tuesday…but it is fine now for you to start speaking about my awakening openly if it comes up on conversation…. I told “most” of those folks weighing on my mind…. I have so many more to tell of this amazing adventure… I will spend the rest of my life telling it… and I know a lot of people!!!!!
But feel free now… I am not saying this because I am worthy of major conversations, but if it comes up in conversation you don’t have to keep it quiet for me anymore….
It’s a new morning!!! You should see the beautiful sunrise that I’m looking at!
I am no longer embarrassed at where I was, I am striving to be as brave as I can telling people without freaking them out…
I found this great devotion about fear… “For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2nd Timothy 1:7
Thanks and God Bless

83

Ok OK – i know i was going to let the Lord lead me on what this devotion for the church newsletter – but i didn’t know it would come so quick, LOL …..

So – it is March and i have been writing now in a way that i can easily and freely share – not of where I was in my faith journey but of where I am now…

So this is about parables and reading the bible and spreading the word…  if you want to use it fine – if not – that is fine and i will likely be writing another one soon, haha…

Thanks and God Bless!

Jesus and His Parables, Just a Click Away

Click, Click, Click – I have been reading the Bible a lot lately – but not that one sitting next to me – instead I have been reading an electronic version even closer – one already in my hand – right on my smart phone – take it wherever I go. When Pastor preached earlier this year about Jesus promising “greater miracles than these” – the Bible on smartphones must have been one of those advances – because it really makes a difference.

The Stewardship committee gave us each an index card and a flyer about daily prayer – it’s a great idea – to challenge us to read the Bible and to share our favorite meaningful passages… and to be hones with you, I looked at that card and said: “How am I going to fit all these exciting Bible verses on it?” because I have been binge reading Bible verses on my smartphone….  Well, when Pastor asked me to write a devotional for the newsletter it took me a minute and then it clicked in my brain – and I want to tell you how easy it has been for me to read the Bible when I click click click….

Teaching Sunday School, we use the vast resource of Jesus’ Parables – these stories are so numerous in the Bible – and you can find so many to relate to you and your friends.  Jesus used parables to teach disciples and make disciples: “Whoever has ears, let them hear.” Jesus knew if they were true disciples they would understand the stories – but if those listening were confused and were sincere seekers, then they would take the time to ask Jesus and His disciples questions – YES ASK QUESTIONS!  Challenge your Faith – and see where you stand – Lent, Easter, Christmas are all excellent times to question your own faith and see where you stand.

One of my favorite parables to share with others is that of the Four Soils – three versions are in the Bible – Matthew 13:1-23; Mark 4:1-34; and Luke 8:4-18. This summation is from Mark, after the disciples asked Jesus for an explanation:

‘ 13 Then Jesus said to them, “Don’t you understand this parable? How then will you understand any parable? 14 The farmer sows the word. 15 Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. 16 Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy. 17 But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. 18 Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; 19 but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. 20 Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop—some thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times what was sown.”’

Click, click, click – into my brain – and then when you click forward or backward on your smartphone in the Biblegateway.com or other Bible online sources into the other chapters – you would be AMAZED at how chuck-full the Bible is with these great parables back to back – just the reading of the titles will bring you memories of favorite stories. Then there are many new stories you may have never heard of!  I was reading Luke and saw a reference to the beheading of John by Herod – and i had no idea what that meant – so I asked one of the trusted disciples I know and it led me to Mathew 14 – where John the Baptist was beheaded – oh! Then that led me to the next paragraph about Jesus Feeding the Five Thousand with Loaves and Fishes – then next to Jesus Walking on Water – and Pete doubting and sinking in the water – only to be rescued by reaching out his hand to Jesus who caught him. Jesus, the Fisher of Men, is truly found in that account…  Now, I clicked back into the previous chapter and found the Parable of the Net, of the Hidden Treasure and the Pearl, of the Weeds, of the Mustard Seed and the Yeast, and then back to the Parable of the Soils…

Yes – we are able to work these parables into our daily lives  – with the ease of a click – and just be open to reading and listening.  Then, if we are able, we are to start working the yeast into the dough: “The kingdom of heaven is like yeast that a woman took and mixed into about sixty pounds of flour until it worked all through the dough.”

Enjoy the Parables in the Bible and Yes, ASK QUESTIONS! Then spread the Word of God as if you were trying to spread those tiny grains of yeast until everyone in the world has heard…  “Whoever has ears, let them hear.”

82 Music Therapy – Iona – Irish Day

Yeah, I didn’t have to read deep into the lyrics on this one IONA song… it’s all me…

“Here, I kneel upon this ground
Love can heal
When truth is found”

This glorious white snow still has beautiful green under it…it’s S.t Pats all year round for me… I wrote about the Green Lantern, I even copied a green poem from that tiny book I found (and still resides on the closet across from the copyroom) and dropped a copy in pastor’s mailbox… green green green…I so enjoyed both my trips to Ireland….I will tell you sometime about how I got to turn the page on a copy of the Book of Kells, and was saved from freezing to death when stranded in snow in Sally’s Gap in the mountains outside Dublin….

St Patrick brought Christianity to Ireland… “Christ be within me, Christ behind me, Christ before me, Christ beside me, Christ to win me, Christ to comfort and restore me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me, Christ inquired, Christ in danger, Christ in hearts of all that love me, Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

” http://www.cbn.com/spirituallife/churchandministry/churchhistory/patricius_the_true_story_of_st_patrick.aspx

Iona – Irish Day Lyrics

Sand as white as snow
Swirls like smoke around my feet
And a sky that turns in a moment
From blue to gray
All these things I see on an Irish day

It is here that time has granted
That the light should still burn on
It was here a seed was planted
In the brave heart of an Irish son

Here before my time
Walked men of faith and truth
In a land that was dark
They followed the way
Bringing sweet light on an Irish day

It is here that time has granted
That the light should still burn on
It was here a seed was planted
In the brave heart of an Irish son

Here, I kneel upon this ground
Love can heal
When truth is found

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WCkAzLawBZo

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The Holy Spirit and the Green Lantern, 01March

The Holy Spirit was moving in our midst today! A young man in the confirmation class (whom I call “the Green Lantern”) did an awesome job assisting Pastor with communion today. Just prior, he and I made up for last week’s missed pre-confirmation class (I was the substitute teacher). Our experiment produced a good amount of foam for our Holy Spirit demonstration…

Just before the experiment, I was comforting him with his mom out in the hallway…they had to put his favorite pet down the previous day. He had left the service upset because there was so much discussion about loss. Tough on a young kid, tough on an adult, no matter how strong you appear, these matters of the heart are powerful and overwhelming.

His Mom and I encouraged him that he did everything he could for his pet, and it was just like both his grandmother and my father-in-law where their cancer took over… Our words seem to help and he seemed able to pull himself together. Then after that we proceeded to go do our experiment.

In this experiment, Jesus is the living yeast that is warmed up in water just like we warm up Jesus in our hearts. We add this yeast as a catalyst to hydrogen peroxide and soap. The hydrogen peroxide chemically becomes oxygen and bubbles the soap which overflows the cup. The soap bubbles represent the Word of God and they are filled by the Holy Spirit which is the oxygen bubbles made by the hydrogen peroxide. The reaction is exothermic and is quite warm to the touch. The hydrogen peroxide does not react with the yeast but it’s just catalyzed to go through the process faster. This word of God spreads rapidly and overflows… when the catalyst, Jesus, was added… This is why God  sent Jesus to be a catalyst and teach us how to spread the word of God.

I shared with him that this was exactly the experiment that turned my brain around, and enabled me to accept Jesus – to stop my wondering (for years) why Jesus was sent, if Jesus was real as the Son of God. That Jesus as the catalyst was needed so badly in the world to save us – that Jesus was sent by God to spread God’s Word…

This young man is the “Green Lantern” to me because he was one of my #1 vacation bible school helpers a couple of years ago, and he is a great organizer and he organized all the other helpers and he named each of the other helpers including Batman, Superman, Spiderman and Iron Man, and even made them name tags and that made it so much easier for me to remember their names. The Green Lantern is a double checker, making sure he understands. And I appreciate that, because he REALLY wants to understand…And that’s me too. I really like to know if people understand!

To see his restored confidence after our talk and experiment was amazing to me, then to see Him walk back into church, just in time, up to Pastor to assist, He zoomed passed his older brother (who was going to help instead) – JUST IN TIME… that just took my breath away… I was truly stilled – as in “Be Still and Know that I AM GOD”.  Yes, really I got my confirmation today…  I witnessed that the Holy Spirit works in our lives EVERYDAY. EVERYDAY – WE JUST HAVE TO OPEN OUR EYES – we have to be willing to let the spirit move us. The Holy Spirit equipped me that day – I did not know my impact because it was the Holy Spirit. His mom looked at me and mouthed “What did you do?” not me mom, the Holy Spirit!

None of the words were my words this day, they came from the Holy Spirit at the right time…timing was EVERYTHING today… thank you Holy Spirit for using me!

I am so glad and so humbled to share in God’s word, God’s warmth, and God’s experiments.

80

Summing up February – a Wild Ride, Pride, and Being Honest, 28FEB

Summing up February as a Wild Ride, Pride, and Being Honest, 28FEB

Summing up February – it’s been a wild ride. A wild ride indeed! My feelings fill me with pride – and yet that pride is wrong…  I should be humble – and I am so grateful for what God has done for me…  Yet I am joyfully proud of how God has worked me into a spinning vortex of faith…  So far I have come, in mere 3 months… it makes my head spin – and that makes me humbled knowing that NONE of it was my doing…   I wonder what March will bring…. a new chapter in my book certainly…. continued chapters in my life, prayerfully.  Yes, only God knows where He will lead me and how I will follow. And as we march into March, it’s lent, it’s time to be honest with ourselves – I have to be honest with myself – pride or no pride – I’ve got to be honest and take stock of my faith – when the whirlwind is hopefully quieted down.

I am watching “The Nun’s Story” – Audrey Hepburn….a pivotal movie of my younger adult years… kinda sums up the struggles of the ways to worship Jesus, God and the Holy Ghost – the struggles of living to the Catholic rule. The Nun postulates are struggling to learn the controls of passions, the destruction of their love of self, and of course they are journal-ling to make confessions – all efforts to make their pride crumble – and not regain pride when they succeed in learning how to crush pride – a hard struggle – doesn’t seem that making 3 Hail Mary’s equated to each imperfection will truly help. But Sister Luke (the daughter of a prominent scientist/doctor), who seems to have endless doubts in her ability to be a nun,  pushes forward anyway and sees this life as a nun in a hospital as the way to the Belgium Congo in 1930s and to become the nurse that she always wanted to be.

Why? – why? – why such loss of self required to achieve such higher state of humility demanded of this nun-candidate – why? – such the contrast to where I am now – in a non-Catholic Christian church – no one here is stopping me from spinning my faith vortex…  The contrast between her spiritual health and my spiritual heath is interesting. See, I feel I am not supposed to forget my background – see I feel I AM supposed to use every last little bit of my background, all my history, all my experience to witness to the powers and gifts of God… to do God’s work…. I just don’t know…just like Sister Luke asks in the movie, “How do I know this is what God wants of me?”

So much to learn from this movie – if you have never seen it – I recommend it – very reflective of struggles – Sister Luke even was asked to fail her final examination (in the most specialized tropical medicine course that she could even teach) in order to allow another sister to pass – she tries but she can’t… too much pride.  Sister Luke asks “How do I know this is what God wants of me” – she doesn’t know – I don’t know…  she doesn’t take the fall – she can’t help herself but to shine in the exam…and because of that she is not sent to the Congo anyway, until she learns more humility.

She is sent instead to nurse at a horrific sanatorium – it is the worst place ever – and she is sent there to learn humility – and yet she finds herself with more pride – without another sister present she enters the room of a very mentally ill person who calls herself “the arch angel Gabriel” the most violent of patients…  she is tricked and she is over-confident – with a sense of heroism and yes, she gets what you could see was coming to her – she is overpowered and hurt…  her pride and disobedience get her.

Sister Luke wants all or nothing – she wants a resting place where humility and obedience are easy…  NOPE – no such place exists…. NOPE!  Now, there is where she and I are the same – we both want to find EASY peace. We both want to channel our overconfidence into the higher strength – we both want to get to that Congo – and make the most of our God-given talents…

So much for me to pray about – about overconfidence – about using talents and yet – taking care to not over-commit to what is not easy and should never be viewed as easy…

Last week my experience with an unknown person exemplifies this…  This kept me on that edge of friendliness and overconfidence…. watching out for those boundaries…  Thankfully I was told that this person had suffered a traumatic brain injury and he wouldn’t even remember me five minutes from then…  and yet – it was important and good for me to act as a friend –  but not be overconfident – it’s practice. He and I had a great conversation about Jesus – about staying clean and saying no to peer pressure – about his past wrongs – about mac and cheese – about life… yes – the whole gamut of conversation…. He certainly was a humorous fellow – he even propositioned me twice and he tried to be funny!   Yeah – you got to be careful – I have to be careful – he could easily have become my “arch angel Gabriel” and overpowered me if I was alone – he could have made me fall from grace by being overconfident – funny but not so funny…  Be careful – always be careful my mind keeps telling me – yes put yourself out there – use your God-given skills – but be careful.

Eventually Sister Luke sorrowfully is pulled out of the Congo – called to be an example for the incoming postulates – the reverend mother says: “the more we are looked to for example, the better example we will become….”

Eventually Sister Luke does break – she does decide she is more useful not as a nun – but as a rebel – part of the underground group fighting against Hitler. She has had too many struggles with her pride – she had even half fallen in love with the wild and brutally honest surgeon who calls her out – he tells her she will never be the nun she strives to be….  she knows that…she has tried – but her pride…. she finds being honest with herself is the best she can do – live life as it comes – day to day…

We all have to be honest with ourselves… pride or no pride – we might as well be honest since God already knows every thought we have …  Honestly, we have to pray for the strength we need  –  “the more we are looked to for example, the better example we will become….” I pray always for discernment….  let me know Lord what words come from You and what words come from me…. This post is probably 90% me  – the other posts are so spirit-led…  but this post is just me being honest…. God knows my inner thoughts – and I do ask God to move me forward as the best example I can be…. “the more we are looked to for example, the better example we will become….”

I pray to live to Your purpose – not mine!
Let’s march into March….
Praise God always.

79

I wrote this one this morning at 2:30 – had to get it out and get back to sleep – and then later in the morning (driving to work, after doing the turbo fire workout with my neighbor who I mention here)  I wrote the really important one about being in Pentecost.

This essay is about tapping into an energy stream that isn’t yours – but from God…  sounds like the Holy Spirit to me!

Rolling your R’s, Learning to Tap into energy, a NEW NORMAL, 27FEB

Learning self control is one of St Peters tips to bring a better Christian…

Can you learn it? Probably!’… If you can chill the nagging pesky thoughts and desires, if you can fill the void with something in replacement then yes…you can learn self control. At least I pray that I can.  “You can’t say ‘no’ until you say ‘yes’ to something”…that was from an awesome video I saw at a retreat.. so push out the nagging thoughts by filling four head with “yes!”.

My neighbor held a first life improvement club meeting…I was gifted with a spiritual awakening and empowerment which I thought I already had…apparently I was wrong…I REALLY was gifted with a burst of energy…was I gifted or did I learn this? Does that really matter? Either way I got it.. and I keep feeding from it.  I am thankful and I am prayerfully praising everything I can…and it keeps coming…  I can only wish for you to grab some energy too… grab it, tap into it, and say ‘yes’ to it!

My best friend says about winter: ” I think the cold  keeps us held back but then when you damn a river too long  then it will overflow.   Makes for some strange floods”   – so true – so true – makes for some strange floods! I have had the strangest flood… I could have never imagined.

My former pastor says: “The Awakening process is very intense. After a while it seems less intense because it seems like a new normal. The beauty is that you are facing your fear about it and “allowing” this energy to enhance and empower your life.”
R

My best friend also texted me: “I am thinking of you often.   I hope you are not on an unstable roller coaster   but  hope you are on a nice water slide with some bumpers  🙂 ” , A
Yup this roller coaster is very secure… but Easter slides….you are bound to get wet!

The woman sitting next to me at the life improvement event has tapped into an energy source…she and I found a truth on each of the statements relayed by the study book, E squared… She already started journaling…My neighbor too certainly has tapped into some amazing burst of energy…she was bouncing and bubbling like no one I have seen…made me look pensive and quiet…which of course I was… thinking  how “coincidental” this new club was… Here’s a house, less than fifty feet away, where the door is always open to me… she obviously tapped into a great energy source… she grabbed onto it and is riding the wild ride… She refuses to have her spirits dampened…a good way to say no to nagging thoughts. It’s a new normal….

Can you learn to roll your R’s? Yes, rather you can re-learn…since as a baby we all had the ability….you just have to practice and tap into that tiny tidbit lost in your brain…the woman next to me used this good example in her journaling.

Can you learn to roll things off your back? Yes…I believe you can learn… having a solid internal knowledge base comes with absorbing and assembling what you experience to be true..you can learn to move your feet as fast as Muhammad Ali… you can start to see the barbs hurled at you as last ditch efforts before the opposing side collapses…maybe you can anticipate them and catch then mid air…you have to practice…

Can you learn to tap into an energy source? You bet you can…just find the right examples and you can learn and you must practice…you MUST practice what you preach…you MUST practice what you teach…

Can you learn self control? You bet you can… …just find the right examples and you can learn and you must practice… you MUST practice what you preach… you MUST practice what you teach…

Say ‘YES’ to Second Peter One, make it a new normal.

Goodness
Knowledge
Self Control
Perseverance
Godliness
Brotherly kindness
Love

Making One’s Calling and Election Sure
3 His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.

4 Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

5 For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge;

6 and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness;

7 and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.

8 For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

9 But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.

10 Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall,

11 and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

78

Psalm 104, 27FEB

Hi Pastor, another one of those OMG moments.

I just listened to one of your old sermons from 2013 that I randomly had on cd but hadn’t heard… I had asked for a couple specific dates and this one came along extra with them, so in my reflective nature (all the time now), I thought “well that’s probably a reason why I have it”.  oh yeah! When I heard the meat of the sermon I had to stop the car and write you…

You read Psalm 104 and spoke of God as a tinkerer and thinker-er   …. I had to pull over the car and write this email… Because of my thinker-er poem, that I wrote before and I will post below. Wow – amazing duplication…

You said inside the sermon:
“God offers everyone food in due season, we the people making sure what God has provided is available to those who need it …”

OMG…it was your Pentecost sermon, 5/19/13… I said holy “s” in my car but I should have said Holy Spirit! Wow wow wow God is good!

It’s Pentecost!  See I have all my holidays not “all mixed up” but I have them “all mixed in”!!  But that makes sense and I feel like I’m in Pentecost right now… Not by my own doing!!!  But I have accepted, I’ve been wearing red like crazy, I  already feel like Easter came and having to teach about the Holy Spirit to the pre-confirmation camp it all makes sense too … it’s Pentecost and it’s Easter and it’s Lent and it’s St. Patrick’s Day and it’s Valentine’s Day and it’s  Christmas … it is certainly a New Year! but most especially its Pentecost!!!!

Yes God is good…maybe my next subaru should be red…

Here’s that poem I wrote:

God made me a thinker-er, 02 jan

God made me a thinker-er.
I am not content at being.
God made me a do-er.
God made me a philosopher.
God made me a thinker-er.

I am not a doubter of God,
But a doubter of man,
Of man made realities,
Of twisted truths.

I am not a doubter who brushes aside the question at hand, “forget about that nonsense”.
No, I am a thinker-er. I am a tinkerer. I toy with ideas, I let them take root in my mind.

I am a teacher, a tinkerer who explores ways to teach, to expand concepts, to keep an open mind, to teach an open mind.

I am not just a thinker, I am a thinker-er, a rehash-er, a process-er. Its just who I am, It’s who God made me to be.

Now I have to think about why. Why can’t I just accept – hook, line and sinker.
God made me just the way I am, a thinker-er.
God give me a purpose,
To teach the other thinker-ers and help them find God too.

God made me a thinker-er.
God made me.

And here is the psalm:

Psalm 104
24How many are your works,Lord!

In wisdom you made them all;

the earth is full of your creatures.

25There is the sea, vast and spacious,

teeming with creatures beyond number—

living things both large and small.

26There the ships go to and fro,

and Leviathan, which you formed to frolic there.

27All creatures look to you

to give them their food at the proper time.

28When you give it to them,

they gather it up;

when you open your hand,

they are satisfied with good things.

29When you hide your face,

they are terrified;

when you take away their breath,

they die and return to the dust.

30When you send your Spirit,

they are created,

and you renew the face of the ground.

31May the glory of the Lord endure forever;

may the Lord rejoice in his works—

32he who looks at the earth, and it trembles,

who touches the mountains, and they smoke.

33I will sing to the Lord all my life;

I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.

 

77

You are a Child of God, 25FEB

Yeah, did you hear God bowling a strike on me again tonight? Yes He did.

Yeah, my neighbor started this life improvement club, I thought well it might be uncomfortable for some, but she really is a positive person and she is helping me with my workouts and healthy eating… It couldn’t be more convenient because she is my next door neighbor and she’s trying to improve other people’s positive outlooks on life too, so why not join it and try to be an example of a positive outlook on life… The book we are reading of course touches on so many positive aspects of life, and of course there is a quote “Everyone who is seriously involved in the pursuit of science becomes convinced that a spirit is manifest in the laws of the universe – a spirit vastly superior to that of man.” That was a quote from Einstein in the preface about science and the universe and the spirit… That’s something we’ve been talking about for the last month. And it was a very good meeting is very upbeat.

At the end, I heard the God-wink from God when she closed our meeting with this passage (from poet Marianne Anderson) that I posted below: “it is our light that frightens us”… yup that’s me! “You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world”… yup, I am no longer embarrassed, but I am certainly scared of the changes and the intensity in me – but –  it’s time to NOT be scared anymore…… that’s going to be hard….. But yes, that’s where I need to go! “Playing small does not serve the world!” Strike. God rolled a strike and humbly I must comply with Him.

Here is the full quote:  “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson is a spiritual activist, author, lecturer and founder of The Peace Alliance, a grass roots campaign supporting legislation currently before Congress to establish a United States Department of Peace.

76

Quiet Time, 24FEB

…Be still, God speaks whispers more than clanging gongs…

It was an uneventful day driving yesterday, thank God, but as I got to the area where I encountered that tractor trailer yesterday (see writing #74), so guess what song came on my CD player next? Amazing Grace, of course… those silly little God sightings… yeah they’re cool too…sometimes God comes in a whisper… and sometimes they are not silly at all…

75

I think we should all “journal” to process – to dump our brains and to move forward…  whether you journal on paper or by telling a good friend over coffee – it is therapeutic…

Well – this was an eventful day to say the least – not just this morning with that tractor trailer swerving and me honking amazing grace. The stepping out in faith was that this event i shared with my bigger Facebook family – one of the first times i really took a big step out in faith and put my faith on display  – i know i credit God for so much in person – but not always on Facebook because I don’t want to alienate anyone by making them feel uncomfortable if they are not comfortable in their faith… and yet this was certainly one of those unmistakable God actions that I was participating in…  Today was also super busy at work – busiest day in months – workloads all hit at the same time – but it was great to accomplish so much today!

This morning, I was singing Amazing Grace (as I said in my previous piece)- and replaying it about 20 times in the car to get the lyrics down – and i was actually thinking of questions that pertained to my quest for knowledge of how someone in particular was doing…someone, I know I could learn so much from (well that’s more than just one person of course). I have been sharing with up to 70 people now –  but too much in one direction – it is time that I ask back – how are THEY doing? .. I had just about finished these questions in my head when that truck started swerving in front of me and God and/or something over-confident in me called me into action – I was the one that saw this…I felt I had no choice but to act… I know I was so blessed to be in the right place at the right time…  God’s Timing! Subaru sang Amazing Grace – How Sweet the Sound! Played it on repeat the whole hour the way home.

I have been journal-ling 2 months now – and yes – I do write an awful lot of how I am feeling – but I do actually include a lot about the questions I have about how others are feeling – and this is such a piece – it is a song of concern – it’s not for anyone in my direct family – so don’t over worry about this piece – and it is not for a particular person in crisis mode –  but I can see how these questions pertain to them too…but I am writing this out to reach out to someone… someone I should ask more questions of – someone i care about – in that AGAPE way… and yes, this is the love we should extend to ALL of God’s children – concern and wanting to embrace their burdens to help them carry them… reassuring them that God will take care of them – just as we should reassure ourselves that God will take care of us!

How are You?, 23FEB

> Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
> That saved a wretch like me!
> I once was lost, but now am found;
> Was blind, but now I see.

So – how are you?  I really haven’t talked to you face to face in a while – and I worry about how you are doing – I talk about myself all the time and I wonder how you are processing all the things in your life – I know you stressed over your past transgressions – but are you still wretching and stressing about that time? Have you truly forgiven yourself – God will forgive you – but can you get over it? There is Amazing Grace for you, always.

> ’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
> And grace my fears relieved;
> How precious did that grace appear
> The hour I first believed.

Tell me about that first hour you believed, I am so curious – I am so hanging on every bit of the story – tell me about you… what precious moments occurred that first hour? Have you held onto that golden hour…have you lost that precious feeling? Grace doesn’t just come once…welcome it again.

> Through many dangers, toils and snares,
> I have already come;
> ’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
> And grace will lead me home.

You have made it amazingly far – I am so glad – I think of you each time I sing this song. What is next for you?  How do you handle your current dangers, toils and snares? Teach me the ways you deal with pain – with difficulty – I can see it on your face – I can see you wear your heart on your sleeve – can I help you? Are you still feeling at home?  or have you drifted away a bit?

> When we’ve been there ten thousand years,
> Bright shining as the sun,
> We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
> Than when we’d first begun.

Do you realize that you have so much ahead of you? Do you stress about your past and your lost time to an obsessive level? Are you willing to let it go? Can you shed your shame? to walk forward in grace and walk shining like the sun? Let me encourage you to walk again – to get up and walk again….  we have no less days…to praise…

How are you?

74

WOW, 23FEB

Oh my God… I am overwhelmed with the Grace of God… I have to share… I just witnessed a tractor trailer… a gas tanker… Swerving not paying attention.. turn signal on… cars passing him… and he still was swerving… Maybe he was texting… Maybe he was asleep… I don’t know… I was scared for the other cars passing… I started beeping my horn. I put my flashers on, he was going 10 miles less than the speed limit… I kept beeping,  I decided to zoom up closer, I was listening and singing to Amazing Grace on my CD player, I just beeped my horn to Amazing Grace for 30 seconds? Maybe… I was so close to my exit, I just kept honking that horn, hitting it, and praying that he would wake up. And as I exited he changed his turn signal and he pulled over to the side of the road. He woke up. Whew! Praise God! Thank You God for putting me in the right place at the right time… Whew.

God is Good!

73

This is the critical experiment for enabling me to open to God’s work in my brain – the experiment I found on the web and then taught with Jesus’ Parables in Sunday School just two years or so ago. Teaching this experiment opened my brain and allowed God to perform corrective action on it – which in turn enabled my heart to sing the praises of Jesus…. I am filling in for the confirmation class “boot camp” tomorrow. This class is continuing a discussion about the Holy Spirit – and the scripture lessons (pasted below) are treasured gems. So to make the process real in a bubbly chemistry experiment way – I am adding this experiment – yet again – showing how Jesus is the catalyst – whose presence enabled the Holy Spirit to come – to come to the disciples and – then spread to us in the gift of the Word of God… here is the devotion:

Soap, Hydrogen Peroxide, and Yeast – The Word of God, the Holy Spirit, and Jesus, 21FEB

In this experiment, pretend dish soap is the Word of God…to make people peaceful…to give them hope in the form of soap.

Can we spread this Word of God? Yes!

Can the Holy Spirit help us and use us to spread the Word of God? Yes!

Catalysis is the increase in the rate of a chemical reaction due to the participation of an additional substance called a catalyst. With a catalyst, reactions occur faster and with less energy. Because catalysts are not consumed, they are recycled. Often only tiny amounts are required.

Let’s do this experiment: 1) The soap represents the Word of God.  2) The hydrogen peroxide H₂O₂ is changed by the catalyst into gas and liquid…The gas is O₂, life-giving oxygen… this experimentally-generated gas represents the Holy Spirit.  3) God so loved the world he budded his only son (yeast grows by budding) so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. Yeast represents Jesus. Yeast is alive! Yeast needs to be warmed in water to activate – Jesus needs to be warmed in our hearts to activate (well – actually the Grace of God is always there – God and The Holy Spirit and Jesus doesn’t need to be activated – but realized by us to be ALIVE in us).

Experiment: Pour a couple of inches of hydrogen peroxide into a cup or bottle, add food coloring for fun (household 3% is fine – the more concentrated the more explosive the reaction). Squirt some dish soap (just a little) into the hydrogen peroxide. Add a packet of dried yeast to about half a cup of warm water – just as you would make bread… let sit for a minute…Pour just a little of the yeast solution into the hydrogen peroxide/soap mixture and watch the foam come alive – spread up and out and pour outside the cup – it is warm – exothermic – and yes you can touch and feel it!

Yeast is the catalyst to make the reaction go faster… to reduce the activation energy of change… to get the chemical reaction over the hump… to enable the PROCESS OF TRANSFORMATION!

Jesus is the catalyst to make the reaction go faster… to enable the spreading of the Word of God… to reduce the activation energy of change… to get the chemical reaction over the hump…  to enable the PROCESS OF TRANSFORMATION!

Remember catalysts are not consumed, they remain intact. Often only tiny amounts are needed to make the reaction go.

The Holy Spirit fills the bubbles of the Word of God… it lifts the bubbles up and carries the Word of God up and out… the warmth of God’s Word spreads…the good news rises and spills out everywhere… watch the Holy Spirit come alive in you and pour out of you when you allow Jesus to act as a catalyst in your heart – and in your mind – and in your soul – yes, it is warm – it is exothermic – and yes, you can touch and feel it!

Even as soap bubbles pop and release their gas – they leave a residue – they are still there…   The bubbles might burst, but the Holy Spirit still exists, is released from the bubble and the Word of God is still the soap film that has been spread. Bubbles may burst – but they still delivered God’s Message. Blessed be the bubbles. Blessed be the Word of God.

Jesus had to come to earth – to bud off God… but then He had to go… to show us in a human way how carrying our own crosses, resurrecting, and rising will allow us to reach God in Heaven.  ALSO Jesus had to go in order to let the Power of the Holy Spirit come to HIS disciples (that’s Pentecost) – to let the disciples spread the Word of God…to teach US the Word of God…to teach US how to spread the Word of God.

Spread The Word of God….

… The Word of God IS God!

AMEN!

John 16:13 New International Version (NIV)

¹³ But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.

–

Romans 8:26 New International Version (NIV)

²⁶ In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

 

1 Corinthians 12:11New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he distributes them to each one, just as he determines.

–

2 Timothy 3:16New International Version (NIV)

¹⁶ All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,

–

Hebrews 9:14New International Version (NIV)

¹⁴ How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God!

 

72

Neighbors, Einstein, and the Science of God, 20FEB

So it’s funny of course – well not that funny – but when my neighbor asked me to join her brand new self help (positive outlook on life) group, I thought “I am good” and really wasn’t sure… But since she is a very good neighbor and is the one who is helping me exercise early mornings and giving me healthy food tips and since she wants to help her other friends become happier people too, then I said “why not?”… when someone offers to help you for free – when they open a door – it’s good to walk through it…

… Of course this was over a month ago …  so for next week’s first meeting she asked us to read this quick book – and so when I opened the book … I certainly didn’t expect a quote from Einstein on EXACTLY what my spiritual guides and I have been talking about these last couple weeks…science and spirituality:

“On the other hand, however, everyone who is seriously engaged in the pursuit of science becomes convinced that the laws of nature manifest the existence of a spirit vastly superior to that of men, and one in the face of which we with our modest powers must feel humble.” Einstein

So can you hear God chuckling?  I certainly can!  He has me pegged and He is playing with me – and it is more and more apparent that God-sightings are all around.

I am humbled that God has me down to a science!

Smiles

71

I emailed this to Pastor last night after a text message conversation with a friend…

“I was/am concerned about my bubble bursting – a bit concerned that my enthusiasm would carry me away – and of course I have always prayed for discernment – what is spirit-led and what is not…  a friend of mine said that the word enthusiasm meant “God from within” – which I thought was awesome of course…  and I wonder if my bubble will ever burst – or maybe I should take inventory of replacement bubbles – or maybe even deflate my bubble a little to make it stronger and less pop-able… you know my deliberate lowering of walls had to be replaced by the armor of God – and perhaps bubbles are not the right description of the enthusiasm I need for the future…”

So – yes – after prayerful meditation, I DO have a replacement for my bubble condition. It dawned on me (in the car of course) that even though I feel like this is a bubble of enthusiasm, that I truly know it is more than that  – it is not from me – it is God working me – molding me…  Yes, I am going to deflate my bubble a bit, but only to make it stronger, I am going to cut it open and stretch it up and open -and make the bubble into a cup – my cup overflows – my cup is what is filled with the love of God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit – my cup overflows…and when more bubbles come – I will do that again and again – open them and make an even stronger cup.

Here is my devotion:

Bubbles and Cups – Filling from God – NOT from Within, 19FEB

My cup overflows – my new enthusiastic take on Jesus and my appreciation of what God has done for me – these have made me bubble so much inside – it has lifted me higher than I ever thought possible – I laugh more deeply – I feel more strongly – I sing more loudly – and I speak more boldly than ever …  and most importantly I listen more clearly – I listen to subtle signs that clash like gongs in my ears – I listen to the people and where they are in life in their life struggles – and when I feel the thorns coming – I sing…  I actually break out in a song to cover my ears from the thorns…  my bubbles I do not want burst…by me or anyone…

But I realize the bubbles from within are actually filled with overflows of this enthusiasm – which have amplified from an already high level (ask anyone who knows me – I bubble with enthusiasm over EVERYTHING already – so – even I was surprised with this increased bubbling…)

A friend of mine said that the Greek word “enthusiasm” meant “God from within” – which I thought was awesome of course (in a self-centered way)…  and I wonder if my bubble will ever burst – or maybe I should take inventory of replacement bubbles just to re-inflate them……

No – it is NOT bubbles that we are to inflate – because our bubbles come from OUR own excessive enthusiasm….  it is CUPS that we need to fill with GOD’S enthusiastic LOVE – it is God that fills our cups… the cup metaphor is everywhere in our history of spirituality… lovingly used in the bible for the cup that gets filled by God – our cup overflows.

So – when you feel your bubble bursting – or are worried about sustaining joy – remember to know God is to know that JOY is sustained by HIS GRACE – when you can take your ever-inflating bubble – rip or cut it open and then stretch it wide – side to side – and make it into a cup – and then use your own hands to hold it up to the flooding rains of God – you will receive HIS glory. When you ask for HIM in prayers – and  stretch out your hands – HE will fill your cup.

God is Good – All the Time…

—

Three songs and psalms in my heart to sing these praises:

1) From the song “Ripples” by the Grateful Dead:

” Reach out your hand if your cup be empty
If your cup is full may it be again.
Let it be known there is a fountain
That was not made by the hands of men. ”

2) From the song “All in All”:

” When I am dry You fill my cup.  You are my all in all”

3) and of course, from the most beloved:

Psalm 23

A Psalm of David.

1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

70

There are tremendous contrasts between beauty and pain, jubilant-splendor and despair.

Ash Wednesday and Lent are to force us to take notice of Jesus’s suffering….40 days for forty days in the desert…His suffering contrasted with the glorious resurrection and the gift of our eternal hope for life in heaven.

Images in my head and on photos I took on my recent trip to home are of medieval portraits of the jubilant birth of a pudgy adorable Christ child… CONTRAST with the sorrowful painful sculptures of Christ dying on the cross…both these were on display at the art museum where I went solely to take photos of the beautiful valley up top the building on the hill…but soulfully I placed myself in the medieval art wing on my way back down… GORGEOUS…CONTRASTS…opulent joy and excruciating pain…

Next, I drove to the bridge overlook…high on top of the falls looking down the breathtaking gorge (and yet so commonplace here)…the icy water… and snow encased hills… the bustling city below…a gorge carved by 12,000 plus years of water cutting deeper into the crack ripped by the glaciers retreat…CONTRAST with the suicide catch nets…installed below to both catch jumpers, to hopefully prevent jumpers… A sad reality in a competitive college town… Hundreds of lives lost, tossed themselves away, hundreds of recovery efforts, brave rescue crews scaling the rocky gorge walls, risking their own lives to bring back the loved ones, who didn’t feel loved….
…When I stopped to take photos, I parked up with the vehicles of a crew of safety net checkers….the team was tossing a rope tethered mannequin onto the nets… three or four sections on each side… testing the thermal cameras that detect people. Twelve degrees was balmy in the sunshine which made the views extra beautiful… and made it extra hard on the testing crew…physically tossing the body over…again and again… pulling the heavy weight up with the rope… but necessary work to prevent eternal tragedy.

The contrast extra stark, between standing on the bridge for beauty or standing on the bridge for despair… GORGES…CONTRASTS…opulent joy and excruciating pain…

The contrast extra stark, between the Christmas gifted Christ child and the despair on the cross… GORGEOUS…CONTRASTS…opulent joy and excruciating pain..

IT IS GORGES…  
Gorgeous contrasts…

I thanked the safety net crew as I left…said “God bless you for this work”

I thanked God for the gorges and gorgeous views.

I thank God for Jesus…Christmas…Cross…Easter…joy…pain…joy…all a gift…

Jesus, a safety net for our souls.

69

This might be part 1… I have tons more to write about my trip, but this just seemed to end naturally without extra fluff…so I will write later about more…this writing just feels my gratitude in life…

Home Pilgrimages and Holidays, 17Feb… maybe part 1

To say my pilgrimage to my hometown has been an amazing trip, totally cannot capture in words my experiences… It is home, it is my “mecca”, when I need an “home fix” there is no substitute. I have visits to waterfalls, to family, to nearest and dearest friends…
And it is a week of holidays! Including a school holiday, Saturday was St Valentine’s day, Sunday my Mom’s birthday, Monday President’s day, Tuesday my mom-in-laws birthday and Mardi Gras time Fat Tuesday. Ash Wednesday and Chinese New Year is Thursday…   And Christmas, it’s still Christmas in my heart, in the snow (over foot and a half), in my house, and at my friends’ house last night where I stopped for the most wonderful faith and family discussion… they are the most marvelous newly refreshed but long term couple…newly married after rediscovering love after years and years apart…these lovely folks still had their Christmas tree up, we spoke about Jesus’ love, God’s universe, and all the thorns in between. And they were pre-making St Patrick’s Day cookies. Now that’s my kind of holiday life…all at once.

St Patrick’s Day is every day for me, I am half Irish and half Bohemian…I cling to my fortunate life…I am truly blessed. And holidays are icing on the cake of life.

St Patrick’s Day does fit me for a connection that I just made, my good friend and I talked about how blessed we are that we lack the “demons”… How we are blessed and how we see others who struggle with the demons within. I have been gathering brainstorming stuff to write a major piece on the devil…but haven’t gotten there yet…I deny the devil any place in my heart…I see it in others…I questioned-question whether the devil existed-exists…I wondered-wonder if the devil is just the convenient scapegoat of peoples actions and flaws…BUT…if the scriptures are to be believed as a whole, then I can’t deny the devil’s existence…and yes, I see the devil in the world…and I see the self centered arrogance and selfishness of denying God, denying goodness….as evil forces… 
So yes, St Patrick in my heart year-round does fit me…but not just for my fair complexion, but because St Patrick is said to have driven the snakes out of Ireland…and God has driven the evil devil snakes out of my heart…I am naive to say this…I am likely blasphemous for denying the devil exists in me…I am childlike in my new acceptance of Jesus…but I am faithful to God…and if nothing else, I am to glorify the good works HE has done for me, to me, in me. I AM a child of God, He will mold me to be me.

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Transfiguration, Tents, and Erasers, 15Feb

2nd Peter 1 13 “I think it is right to refresh your memory as long as I live in the tent of this body”

I am refreshing my memory allot these days with a new appreciation of the Bible stories.

I hears it was transfiguration Sunday… but what does transfiguration really mean?

The wiki version (which you always have to be skeptical of…but gives a nice background) says Jesus was all aglow…lighted up…and Moses and Elijah appeared to Peter and two others…and God spoke…saying “This is my SON” … Before God spoke, Peter offered to pitch tents for them…some say he wanted to make shrines, but I read this as tents…wouldn’t it be cool to go camping with Moses and Elijah, sitting around the fire and hear them say to Jesus, “oh…so this is what God meant by that…”…. Yeah, it is in the discussion of the Word that we understand it…that it sticks…in our human heads.

But then Jesus told Peter not to say anything until everyone had seen that Jesus died and was resurrected….WAIT….WHAT? Don’t say ANYTHING?

How could he not bubble over in excitement? Not only did he get to be with Jesus, he HEARD God’s voice… I have seen God’s creations but to hear his voice? Now that would be a worthy tale to tell…

WAIT, this happened before the crucifixion and Peter still denied Jesus…wow…Peter is so human for his faults….

I read a passage in a little book called “Windows Towards God” by Charles Schmitz – about using a eraser when writing sermons…”[if God told you what to say in your sermons, then why would you need a pencil eraser (or now a computer backspace key and autocorrect) to erase it…to fix it…it’s because we are all humans…even Paul the apostle would use an eraser…]”

A different web author wrote that Jesus spoke in parables so that his disciples would understand, but if you didn’t understand them, then YOU would have to ask questions…the students asked and the answers were clearly given.

So, I see that I write and use my questions to understand, and I need to start using my erase key too…both to remove fluff and remove places where I am glorifying people and not God…and to also make the stories of people less intrusive and more teaching…I need to move from an exuberant Peter, wanting to spill the beans, to a more thoughtful person…finding the words when the person is ready to hear the good news…the God news (as my autocorrect would made good into God).

God spoke briefly and succinctly… Jesus spoke in parables, but we humans speak in REHASHING… we have to discuss, digest, digress, divulge, and dine on the word…sometimes we have to delete because we are humans and not divine.

thanks for listening…I appreciate being able to grow into new and improved writing…

From the King James version:
2^nd Peter  1 16-21 For we have not followed cunningly devised fables, when we made known unto you the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, but were eyewitnesses of his majesty. For he received from God the Father honour and glory, when there came such a voice to him from the excellent glory, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased. And this voice which came from heaven we heard, when we were with him in the holy mount. We have also a more sure word of prophecy; whereunto ye do well that ye take heed, as unto a light that shineth in a dark place, until the day dawn, and the day star arise in your hearts: Knowing this first, that no prophecy of the scripture is of any private interpretation. For the prophecy came not in old time by the will of man: but holy men of God spake as they were moved by the Holy Ghost. KJV

And NIV
For we did not follow cleverly devised stories when we told you about the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ in power, but we were eyewitnesses of his majesty. He received honor and glory from God the Father when the voice came to him from the Majestic Glory, saying, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.” We ourselves heard this voice that came from heaven when we were with him on the sacred mountain. We also have the prophetic message as something completely reliable, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts.  Above all, you must understand that no prophecy of Scripture came about by the prophet’s own interpretation of things. For prophecy never had its origin in the human will, but prophets, though human, spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit.

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Emails, 12FEB

I love my church family…such good re-inforcement and strength they have given me… (like this email below).
The ears of the beholder are important for devotional writing…

Email received:

Good morning Debbie:
You are like a River overflowing —- the flood gate of words, thoughts, observations are pouring out.  Keep up the devotional writing  —- I am enjoying reading them.

Email received:
Wow Debbie I was just reading the email you sent about words flowing from you like a river, I believe someone sent that phrase to you in an email and I immediately thought of this song so I wanted to send you the lyrics to read, it’s beautiful isn’t it?  Of course it happens to be written by my favorite group, Third Day, I must try and reach them and let them know how God is using their music to speak to us.

Have a blessed day and keep a God watch on that special little girl you wrote about, God encounters have meaning, He’s using you to have an influence here, a word a gesture a story who knows in what way we touch others, the important thing is that we do, because of Him, we do.

Blessings,

THIRD DAY LYRICS    “Love Is Like A River”

Your love is like a river flowing from my heart

When this cruel world tears us apart
Your love is like a river flowing from my heart
When sharpened words have left their scars
Your love is like a river flowing from my heart
And it’s overflowing and showing us all
How deep and how wide is Your love
It never stops, it rages on
Your love is like a river flowing from my heart

When I am tired and so afraid
Your love is like a fire that will light my way
When darkness comes and my vision fades
Your love is like a fire that will light my way
And it’s always burning and stirring my soul
To know You and love You much more
It never stops or ever fades
Your love is like a fire that will light my way

IT’S NEVER GONNA STOP
IT’S FLOWING FROM MY HEART
IT’S NEVER GONNA FADE
YOUR LOVE WILL LIGHT MY WAY

When all my strength and hope is gone
Your love is like a rock that I am standing on

Your love is like a river flowing from my heart
Your love is like a fire that will light my way
Your love is like a rock that I am standing on
Your love is like a river flowing from my heart

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Snowflake Kisses in the Sunshine, 12FEB

It’s snowing again those big fluffy flakes and the sun is shining behind the clouds… these flakes won’t last that long but it’s still a reassuring sign to me that God loves me and He likes it when I talk to him…

I was very good and kept my phone away while I was driving this morning… another new years resolution I’m going to try to stick to… you would think that at least one encounter with almost running into a giant FedEx truck would have cured me from texting while driving… steering out of his way with about 50 feet to go… yeah, well sometimes I just don’t get the message.

The snowflakes I get… I appreciate them… while driving I was just thinking about Pastor’s sermon about whom Jesus calls…Jesus called disciples whose transformation would be clearly be due to God working in their lives…not because of what they had already achieved…Jesus used them as “object lessons”…   …and I was thinking while driving about my chick-fil-a visit last night… I ran into a family who lives down the street from me. They had come to our contemporary Christmas music fest, as friends of the band leader. Their baby was one whom I wrote about in the Christmas Eve labor essay (around 21DEC), whom I got to hold during the song “Come to the cradle…come and find peace”. It was so very moving for me.
Of course since it was school spirit night, I was bound to run into tons of people that I knew… but this was a nice reminder of Christmas… that baby was cranky yet again… but what was really a treat is interacting with their other daughter, a second or third grader with a free spirit for sure and the happiest most inquisitive girl you would meet. When she saw me she asked me my name – she didn’t remember me – but she asked if I was Mrs. Claus (oh – my cover was blown, and I had to admit that indeed I WAS Mrs Claus…). She also asked me about all the writing I had on my hand, which is my reminder to-do list…my iPalm. She asked if  I would write on her hand too…she is too cute…
This is the same little girl with whom I got to share the Christmas story with as if she had never heard it, heard it for the FIRST TIME (that afternoon of dec 21st sitting with her after the service to keep her busy while her Mom talked with her friends). Yes – she knew who Jesus was – but she said she didn’t know Mary or Joseph or perhaps she just forgot…  but I was sure happy she knew who baby Jesus was 😉

At chick-fil-a – I told her mom that we would love to have her at vacation bible school this summer. I plan to keep an eye on that kid… It dawned on me today that perhaps she was the little kid a few years back whom I stopped my car for and urged her to get back away from the street – yes I do think this was the same girl – I said get away from the road – hey you never know…

Yup – going to keep an eye on this girl….she reminds me of God’s gift of putting us in the RIGHT place at the RIGHT time….like snowflakes.

Smiles

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this was so quick I had to write in like 10 minutes – after a conversation by texting with someone very upset with something harsh that someone said about their life – or at least that’s how they perceived the conversation…  Unfortunately one never knows how the person hearing the words you say will take them…How many times have you said something as a praise and it comes out as a criticism to their ears? Well listening and hearing are different – hearing is different than what is spoken – because of the person hearing – the context taken and the tone it is received in.

so this devotional was written while I was driving to a meeting – and therefore I opened the meeting with it (in a draft version which I have been able to expand upon here)  When God wanted me to start being more spiritual at the meetings, I didn’t realize that I was the one He wanted to write it out… I also shared my piece on human trafficking and the lamb of God. it was a great meeting and I got to share afterwards with three pivotal people in this faith journey of mine – three who had the smallest of words but the biggest of impact.  Afterwards driving home I saw a shooting star – God IS Good.

“Nothing is more important, Debbie”

That’s what the headline said in my email from my phone company this afternoon…well what is SO important I asked? I doubted it was about church stuff and actually it was about connecting with people – yes that is important…  but what came to my mind was when, in a church sermon, I recently heard that “Nothing… nothing is more important than serving Jesus”. Well that I now believe with new rigor. We don’t serve ourselves or our family more importantly than loving the Lord and doing what Jesus taught us. Jesus taught us to be non-judgmental…to love as the most important commandment from the Prince of Peace. To love is the way to achieve peace.

Just yesterday, a friend of mine told me about her cool Sunday School lesson… she takes a hundred dollars out of the bank in small bills… she gives each student a tube of toothpaste tells them to squeeze it empty – they keep squeezing and squeezing until the last drop is out. When they have finished down to the last drop, she then tells them she will give them a hundred dollars if they can get the toothpaste back into the tube…  she waves the money at them and gives out spoons – she even has the second graders count the money to make sure it is really $100.  They try and try but no – there is no way anyone can get the toothpaste back into the tube – nobody earns $100 and they are sad but they realize that nobody was able to do it. After they all give up – she tell them that the toothpaste represents their words….  really it’s the harsh words, the painful and hurtful words – the insults – the words that you would pay $100 to take back. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could take those harsh words back?   I’ve been listening to a song  that says “ripples never come back – gone to the other side”. Yes ripples from our mouths only travel one way – out they go…  As the words drift away, the harsh words stick to there…. sometimes it isn’t the recipient of the words that the words hurt – sometimes it is the person standing next to them when THEY perceive what has been said.  The actions that we take and these words that come from our mouths are really important. Tearing down takes 100-fold more praise to repair – if it is even repairable.

Even though you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube you should try to model Jesus… we are all human and we say terrible things we wish we could take back.  We are human – so we constantly have to be reminded to keep the peace.   We are reminded to use our words wisely.

I got another Christmas card today, February 10th… I had already gotten one from this wonderful person in early December but they wanted to thank me for my card and for the family movie DVD I sent… They said sorry this card is late – but actually it’s not late – not just because they already sent one – but because it is still Christmas for me… This card says “Peace on earth”… “May your mind and heart be filled with the peace and joy of Christmas”. Yes – your heart AND YOUR MIND – you mind that speaks the words you say. Christmas has been all about peace and  love and Christ in my heart AND MY MIND.

Yes peace… to be Christ-like we must keep the peace… May we pray for peaceful words always… may we pause until something peaceful ripples out of our mouths. Peace is achieved through Love,

Peace be with you!

Amen.

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Jesus Lamb of God and Human Trafficking, 10FEB

two complete separate thoughts united in my subaru and in my brain driving this morning in the beautiful sunshine –
when they fly out of my head this fast and into my phone microphone to capture the words it scares me  – it down right scares me…maybe it is because I got 7 1/2 hours sleep last night – the most in a while – I got 2.5 hrs, up for 2 hours, then 4hrs sleep  then 1 hour sleep… hmmm…

I was listening to a praise song that I was calling “Lamb of God, worthy is your name” (I subsequently found out the right name of it – “You are my all in all”)
Its lyrics are:  “Taking my sin, my cross, my shame, rising again I bless your name”…. “when I fall you lift me up – when I am dry you fill my cup….You are my all in all “.

I was thinking of the different Lamb of God” “Lamb of the Ages” song versions out there… but listening to the words today and thinking about my UMW meeting tonight and the human trafficking huddle we are going to do – and remembering that I want to bring up “Shores of Grace” ministry that Pastor showed me…  and thinking about the one child policy in china that my friend told me is causing human trafficking (I had no idea and found out in 2011 that 13,000 abducted children were rescued (and I can’t even imagine the number that weren’t rescued!) – and I was also thinking whether one of my essays or devotionals would be appropriate to read… but instead…”CLICK” – and this social action devotional came out of my head with a few tears that came out of my heart. I had to speak it into my phone while driving in the subaru in the sunshine… I will read it tonight at the umw meeting…

Jesus Lamb of God and Human Trafficking Devotional: 

“We think and we pray and we sing about Jesus being the “Lamb of God” – we acknowledge or yearn to accept how this “Lamb of God” made a sacrifice for us – he was humanly sacrificed to spare the life of a guilty man and we pray to understand that He was sacrificed to allow us sinners to enter the gates of heaven by God’s Grace. So long ago, the lambs were sacrificed – animal sacrifices and even people sacrifices were common – and we can not understand why – and we scoff at those people who sacrificed their own people – shame on them…  Well we are still THOSE people – no we don’t personally do the sacrificing – but we do unthinkingly sacrifice the weak people in the world – we do sacrifice them because we too often ignore all the terrible human trafficking that takes place.  NO, we don’t maliciously do this – we don’t always turn a blind eye – and Lord knows there are so so many who do reach out and try to prevent human trafficking.

One such example is a ministry team which now reaches out to the streets of the far away country of Brazil. This family-based mission team “Shores of Grace” www.shoresofgrace.com is ministering to the children and modeling Jesus’ life to the fellow villagers. They set up street music – attracting young children and their parents – embracing the children and trying to protect them from the human trafficking that is predetermined for them by their cultural circumstances. Yes people are ignoring these children… which mean they are sacrificing them today – in our day and age – similarly to ancient times – by not preventing the wasting of the innocent lives.  In China, the one child policy actually caused a hushed-up problem… people are still having multiple children and often the girls (especially if they are born first) are not documented – they are ignored by the system – they don’t receive health care benefits and sadly, in lieu of accepting them, these girls are often sold   they are then human trafficked like lambs to slaughter.

In America we do it too!  We turn our backs on the forgotten people – on the levels of people forced into prostitution, horrific working conditions and undocumented labor.  We turn our backs on the needs for mental health miracles to help people overcome drugs, alcohol, and all kinds of addictions… If Superbowl Sunday sees an uptick in human trafficking, then we have been too complacent in our acceptance of it.

We really don’t always know how to stop human trafficking.

We really don’t always know how to achieve peace.

We really don’t always know how to take action.

We DO know that we need to raise awareness.

We DO know that above all, we need to PRAY.

JESUS, Lamb of God…HOLY is your name.

We need to PRAY and we need to protect all the LAMBS OF GOD.

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Christmas Today, Trust God Everyday,  08Feb

A truly blessed day…emotionally exhausting…but blessed day…

The powerful worship service and the personal prayers after moved so many today…the message of Jesus choosing his disciples…who were just like us…not perfect…plus the music and the mix of people…moved so many. In the pew in front of me was this candle…a Christmas eve candle forgotten…perhaps it was there for me… I did say at Christmas I burn my candle at both ends and chew on the middle for food…I took it… a refresher candle…and I will treasure it…as I treasure some healing steps this week…

…see I had Christmas just after Christmas, moved to Easter just last Sunday on Feb 1st (Superbowl Sunday) when I made that move from a 99.44% upto 100% commitment to believing in Jesus…I made this in the 911 Garden of Refection, holding the steel, when I picked up a coin with the scripture of John 3:16 and accepted 100%…

…and yesterday became Valentine’s day… today Christmas again…a true gift…

After the moving service we got to eat as family at cracker barrel…(parked near a blue Subaru Forester) … the long wait was fine because one of our children’s beloved daycare teachers was there with her newborn 6-week old son,…a Christmas baby, Dec 26…
…After lunch, I was waiting to pay the bill with a Christmas gift card…just behind me someone said “you have to trust God”….Huh? did I hear that right? In the middle of a store? I turned to the lady behind and asked: “Did I just hear someone’s say Trust God?’ “…she says “Yes that was my sister”… I didn’t know the context but I just had to reaffirm that you should always trust God… & the lady agreed…
… two minutes later we were in the parking lot and I walk by a car with the license plate “you have a friend in Jesus” … and that lady? She hops into yet a third blue Subaru Forester.

I shivered.

I will always Trust God, 100%. Amen

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08feb..

Easter came early, so Valentines did too!!!

An Open Love Letter to God, on Valentine’s Day, thanks to that Subaru

A friend of ours had a car accident – he wrecked his truck… first I texted to make sure he was okay and then I texted:  “Look on the bright side now you can buy a Subaru…” 😉 I immediately texted another mutual friend (who was going to see this first friend in just 5 minutes from that moment) and said “Hey when you see him  – ask him when he’s going to buy a Subaru…”  hehe funny… 😉

It dawned on me just a couple days ago that my beloved Japanese Subaru had a true connection to the Japanese Kintsukuroi pottery – where gold is applied in the cracks of broken pieces – restoring them to beauty.  I have discussed this sermon from our pastor a few times because it so fits me and so many I know… it is my favorite sermon of his (so far).. when a piece of pottery is broken, the Japanese artists recreate the piece with the cracks filled in with gold. This makes its cracks and flaws look beautiful and it is even more artistic and beautiful after is repaired.  This is just like when God puts his golden repairs in our cracks and flaws and we are more beautiful because of them….we don’t need to hide our flaws – but we should show off our God-golden repairs.
… I wasn’t looking for that Kintsukuroi connection to my Subaru – I really wasn’t – until it dawned on me while driving this week, that the physical location where I have been repaired most by God, for my cracks and flaws, took place INSIDE my Subaru, which is Japanese,  just like the Kintsukuroi pottery….. and My Subaru has been MY temple – MY place of worship – in my hour commutes –  I have worshiped in it by listening to sermons on CD and I am able to sing with all my might … Christmas music and some divinely stirring praise music and mainstream artists whose songs strengthen me…and lately we have been kissed by the wispy snowflakes that make my Subaru Forrester dance and make me smile and appreciate the gifts from God.

While my Subaru is dancing in therapeutic ways, God’s messages have stuck in my soul. Some people hope the snow doesn’t stick …some people hope it does….no matter what, we should always hope that God’s corrective action sticks within us….  God’s golden repairs… I had no idea where this road would take me and as a extra bonus, I can see and appreciate God’s wanting to sending some golden repairs to improve the future.

Recently I have renewed a college connection in the form of a pastor, coincidentally or God-cidentally, a press release came out about his new book (he graduated about 6-8 years after us) and he lives super close to us… I don’t know why God chose him to inspire us and put him in the mix to unite us – but you have to take notice when God does those things!

At my college, the telescopes were/are amazing, some hand built and some purchased… All of these are easily accessible to the public and even freshmen can get their hands on them. It’s cold there…. Freezing temps would be nice and warm compared to the average temp, because at midnight in those barely insulated telescope domes… whew, that’s COLD!!!…. The remote location is ideal as there is very little light pollution… the only problem is… it does snow and rain there a lot… it’s often very cloudy… but when the skies are open they’re really open! You can look in wondrous amazement at the Milky Way any clear night.  Once I even saw a guest appearance of the Northern Lights… Head out of this one traffic light town into the way way outskirts…and the sky’s the limit….there is no limit to the amazement of the beauty in the sky!

So, in one astronomy class, a marvelous photography project showed a great telescope photo (think old school film developing – nothing digital back then) of the Pleiades, a star cluster – with blue stars, which is located near Orion in the winter sky… Orion is the most visible-distinguishable of winter constellations…and the Pleiades are nestles near…444 light years away…

So, guess what the symbol of the Subaru car is… you can find it right on the front… can you guess? It’s so divine….it’s a picture of the Pleiades… I did not know that fact until I was well into my 16+ year history with my 2 Subarus…I have traveled nearly 400,000 miles in these two Subaru foresters…one green and one blue… the 2008 blue one (I got pre-owned in 2011) helped me get over my mourning for my 12 + year 1999 green one (my first new car ever in the fall of 1998 – a gift to myself for graduating with my PhD and landing an awesome postdoc position) – the green one lasted 271,000 miles…. after it died I contemplated installing it in my yard just as a quiet thinking place….12 + years green ….  3 + years (so far) blue subaru…. always moving….16 + years….

One last mention about the LOVE of my Subarus and the connection to the Pleiades which UNITES all of these thoughts in this essay (an early valentine’s day)….   Do you know what the word Subaru means in Japanese? I only discovered that definition today – It means UNITE… Yes divine God-sightings continue….

Thank you God for using the Pleiades and my alma mater and all our extended church family to continue to UNITE us all…

Thank you God for using my Subaru in a Holy Way, with the help of my church family, and your Word to UNITE me to You Heavenly Father and to Your Son…

Thank you God for using the Heavenly stars to safely travel me approximately 400,000 + miles and 444 light years in YOUR TIME. I guess I always wanted to be a wiseman – wisewoman – I had been following the stars all this time – I will always follow the stars to YOU!

THANK YOU GOD FOR YOU! I LOVE YOU!

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Emails with faith friends, 05FEB – 06FEB

60A – I just made praise pockets for work for heart health month and I will use the same stuff for church and get them put up this weekend – one big pocket for God and then smaller bag pockets for our church staff (to start) – and then we can decide if we want to continue with more church families…  I love it when I can do one task for two completely different places! On Thu, Feb 5, a friend wrote:

“Just made me think of an item that I bought years ago when our previous praise band leader was still at church. It was a porcelain bowl with a pitcher attached to it. It was set up to look like the pitcher was pouring something into the bowl. It came with a short pencil and small pieces of paper. The idea was that when you walked by the bowl, you would think of a blessing, write it down and then put it in the bowl. It was called a blessing bowl, and it was designed to show your blessings overflowing. Gonna have to find that bowl now.! 🙂

—————————–

60B – On Feb 6, I had an amazing email conversation between three of my women’s retreat friends with whom I shared my faith opening early – they were crucial in their support…

Two emailed me the link within 30 minutes of each other about this great contemporary praise song….  Third Day “Soul on Fire”  – and the third, to whom I forwarded it to,  bought that same album that same morning – wow – I am glad so many are running until their soul is on fire! And my aerobics this morning with my neighbor, who picks the dvd we use…was a FIRE theme, lol….And that day I was wearing red hot red for heart health too!

1^st friend wrote: “https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=i7lv9oMjv_0    The latest from one of my favorite contemporary Christian groups, Third Day – Soul on Fire, every time I hear it I think of you Debbie because you are a soul on fire right now!!!!”

2^nd friend wrote: “ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7lv9oMjv_0    Hope you like this.”

I wrote to all 3 friends: “whoa – when 2 people send you something that means i better watch it – cool – i mean HOT that was an awesome song… i am forwarding this to someone who prefers the hot to the cold – running a mile a minute is TOTALLY how I feel these days – maybe that is why i need the snow to cool me off!!!!!  I can go outside in my barefeet in this weather anyway!

thanks both of you!”

3^rd friend wrote: “HA!  Great minds think alike!  Also my fav Christian group.  Saw them last year & sat in the 2^nd row!  Just pre-ordered their new cd THIS MORNING!!! I am tapping my feet & dancing in my chair!!!”

2^nd friend wrote back: “she and I were on the same page, we both see you as “on fire”. 🙂 “

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Had this short one done yesterday – with that nice snow squall while driving, I got three written (by speaking into my phone): the praise one I sent yesterday – one I am saving to release next week (about Subaru’s and valentines)…  and this one – which talks about 2nd Peter chapter 3 – God gives each person the time they need to come to repentance….God is patient…and it IS possible!

LET’S LEGO Again / It IS Possible, 05FEB

The praise song lyric: “one thing I am sure of … I was born, you were born, everything was made to worship Him!”

If I flip back in time to one of my first writings – Lego Christianity Piece, 18DEC – I find that it was a short time ago – that is in calendar days but YEARS in mental time.  – It is just like written in 2nd Peter 3:  “8 But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. 9 The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”

I see my Lego Christianity piece as a confession…a mental work in progress… a piece of where I was… a realization I had to come to…I hadn’t fit my Lego pieces of belief into my brain the right way in order to let my heart sing His Praises… and WOW… how I have been snapping the pieces in now…building and building…

The praise song lyric: “I used to wonder… so many questions like… is it really possible?”  and the worship leader sings back  “IT IS POSSIBLE!” …   Yup it became real to me…building and building….

I just turned on the radio, and a Lego artist is going to be exhibiting his art work (over a hundred pieces) at the local museum starting this weekend. He creates art from Lego blocks…

…these beautiful LEGO creations are made with glue – he uses glue from day one, building life-sized masterpieces…  but sometimes he admitted that he has lost days of work when he made a mistake – and he had to get his chisel out and remove wrong LEGO pieces….  Yep that was me too, I had to unsnap some pieces of my Christianity and disbelief and find the right pieces to fit…  It’s not a masterpiece – yet – but I’m at the peace with the progress I have made and there are still more Legos to build.

I will make you a deal, God,  I’ll grab the Legos and You grab the Gold and we’ll ride together (in my Subaru and in my heart and in my brain) in this journey.  I made a new lyric for the praise song, so in addition to: “I was born to worship my Lord, that is why I sing…. “…. I now add:  “I was born to worship my Lord, that is why I think!!!”

58 – The Power of Praise, 05FEB

This praise theme keeps going on and on… came across a pocket of praise my son, that he got for being a “rockstar of the week”… he was never more excited to go to school than that week…

I think the best thing about praising and encouragement, is that it is presented as a preemptive strike… even when things are down in the dumps if you can find the small thing to praise, that will likely lift that person higher than they were… of course you have to commiserate with them to some extent, but when you can find something to praise it will lift your heart too… otherwise their issues will drag you down too… and to be honest they probably came to you to be encouraged…
Better to give than receive… and if you can praise in God’s name you have already received – big time…

57

Fun Yellow and Always Look on the Bright Side, 04FEB

Before the 9 am hour, the radio station plays a favorite Monty Python song “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” from the “Life of Brian” movie which is both hilarious and religiously-interesting…  Brian (Jesus’ next door neighbor) is caught up in a sweeping messiah-searching plot – and one of my mentor-friends in college was so amazed that I loved the movie – and he was amazed that I wasn’t upset at it, being raised catholic… But seriously, how else do you end a film that shows mass crucifixion? Eric idle is a “happy go lucky” soul destined to die next to Brian…  he gets the whole crucified hillside singing…”always look on the bright side of death….”

The song was perfect on this sunny morning – after I had just finished re-painting touch up work in my kitchen – in “FUN YELLOW” color.  Yes, after 10 years and a great renovation removing the old air-conditioner, I had to re-paint and was so pleased that the paint store still make my kitchen color – Fun Yellow…  yes – I made a re-commitment to this fun and refreshing color which gets soaked in the sun in the morning from 4 huge windows – in the sun the room is warm and is inspiring to be cheery and upbeat…  Yes – with yellow paint specks still on my hand I type this  – and I also put on all the fun yellow clothes I could find – not many – but still fun to remember my re-commitment to FUN.

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life: Eric Idle, Monty Python

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ECUtkv2qV8

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
When you’re chewing on life’s gristle
Don’t grumble, give a whistle
And this’ll help things turn out for the best…
And…

…always look on the bright side of life… (Whistle)

Always look on the light side of life… (Whistle)

If life seems jolly rotten
There’s something you’ve forgotten
And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing
When you’re feeling in the dumps
Don’t be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle
– that’s the thing.
And…always look on the bright side of life… (Whistle)

Come on.

Always look on the right side of life… (Whistle)

For life is quite absurd
And death’s the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow
Forget about your sin – give the audience a grin
Enjoy it – it’s your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death… (Whistle)

a-Just before you draw your terminal breath… (Whistle)

Life’s a piece of $%#%, when you look at it
Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true
You’ll see its all a show, keep ’em laughin as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you

And… Always look on the bright side of life… (Whistle)

Always look on the right side of life…

C’mon Brian, cheer up

Always look on the bright side of life…

Always look on the bright side of life…

Worse things happen at sea you know.

I mean – what have you got to lose?
You know, you come from nothing – you’re going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing.

Always look on the right side (I mean) of life…

what have you got to lose?
You know, you come from nothing
– you’re going back to nothing.
What have you lost?

Always (Nothing.) look on the right side of life…

Nothing will come from nothing ya know what they say?
Cheer up ya old bugga c’mon give us a grin! There ya go, see!

Always look on the right side of life…
(Cheer up ya old bugga c’mon give us a grin! At same time)

There ya go, see!

56

An open letter of praise to the praise band, 04FEB

Praise – that’s what I am all about right now – I will praise my Lord – I will praise the awesomeness in the universe…. so if this sounds too gushy – don’t worry about it – ‘cause it is what it is…

So… I have to admit – I have binge-listened to praise band music – I admit I made a “mixed tape” of praise band music – because it spoke to me and I needed a continuous mental track of stabilizing, spirit-filled music…. I listen to lots of music – and the return to this song-track is very therapeutic…

See, I had some awesome corrective action by God on my heart and in my brain – I entered the time of “open enrollment of corporate Christmas benefits package” as a cynical questioner and I came out a sincere seeker…   I was able to solve some gaps in my brain – and let a Christmas flood carry me though the last couple of months with a new song-track in my heart…

So, Praise Band, I want to thank you for what you bring to the music – I want to thank that I can hear you as individuals in the mix – sometimes you blend and sometimes you don’t – sometimes an out of tune glitch snags things – but either way I hear it – I hear you….  to hear the people and know their stories – yup, it’s more than just the music…

Actually I hadn’t have been to a contemporary service in person in a while – and the Christmas Concert  was the only service I got to in December …  but I heard that one loud and clear – I got to hold a little baby during the wonderful song “Come to the Cradle, Come and Find Peace…” this was so moving…  I also copied the Christmas band concert CD – and the Praise Band version of that “Come to the Cradle” song was strong and loud – And the event host said afterwards:  “Well, I didn’t have any problem hearing that!”.  Well I didn’t have any problem hearing either!  BUT – it wasn’t just the song I heard, I actually heard the energized enthusiasm in his voice for this kicked up addition to the whole concert event – perhaps you remember the pain he and his wife had a few Christmas’s ago – the pain must have been tremendous and still must burn deeply… because they lost their daughter to a long illness at Christmastime…  the pain replaced (at least for the moment) with the music-led energy of spirit…  His wife mentioned to me recently that she misses it when the choir doesn’t sing at some weeks of the year – because she gets her worship in song… Yup doesn’t matter what song you are singing – the phrase holds true – “those who sing pray twice”. Music lifts us up – and I hope we all pray twice when we sing and play.

So – I urge you to keep singing – to keep feeling the music – to let it go sometimes and just pray it. One of my favorite songs (and I have many) ends with the praise band in giggles and mini cheers because you kicked it out so well – that is the joy I like to hear!

Praise you Praise Band!!!

55

Feel the Lightning, 03FEB

I wonder what people think of my journey – but I don’t worry too much because it is still between me and God of where I was and where I am…

I certainly benefited from preparing my fields for rain and I took some time to contemplate almost everything around me… sure – you could suggest I over analyze everything – but when exciting times are all around, you don’t want to miss out on ANYTHING!

…and yet I wonder if people think this journey was TOO easy – well it wasn’t – yeah sure it was a quiet journey and wasn’t filled with blockbuster movie scenes of tormented pain, tragic losses, marvelous car crashes, health hells… nope – wasn’t like that at all – and I don’t think your journey has to be the “movie of the week” material….  slow and steady wins the race – God’s time and patience – yes, that is my story…  quiet yet moving – filled with grace that was already given.  Before I took Jesus up into my heart, I was half way (well two thirds there – believing in God and the Holy Spirit – and always praising – but this last third, accepting Jesus, was a juggernaut in my disbelief system – a mountain which I have moved now – I feel I am still growing but so so there….

Sure – sometimes we think (I think) that coming to Jesus should have involved a momentous experience – me in the Dukes of Hazard car going airborne  – screaming at the top of my lungs and a miraculous appearance of a 60-foot snow drift – or tractor bed filled with soft hay – to catch us and return us safely back to earth…. and yeah,  I have certainly have heard those tales of awakening –  I was certainly held on the edge of my seat wanting to know more….

Perhaps you did or want to feel a lightning bolt – or maybe you fear feeling a lightning bolt because you don’t want to be changed… Ben Franklin supposedly felt a big lightning bolt during his kite and the key experiment – how brave – how stupid… But then, how did he utilize that info? Whom did he tell? How did he take what he learned into a movement towards the amazing age of electricity?

After we have felt a lightning bolt of faith growth,  what should we do with that lightning? that info? that feeling?  … I bet our friend Franklin did that experiment a few times again  (why wouldn’t he?) he experimented in the country and in the city – I have to think that he kept doing this experiment to have more data….

I can be assured that lighting strikes many times in your area – of course they do. But what do you do with a lightning strike to your faith? Would you make good use of it? Will lightening strike again and again if you need it to?

What if  Benjamin Franklin tied his kite string to a fence and what if he cautiously approached the key… I wonder if he wanted to know what the shock felt like. Some people probably approach the throne of God as they tantalize about the concept of Jesus but they are afraid to touch the key… perhaps they are afraid of the shock – and yet, little do they know, that they would be in for the most energizing boost of all their lives.

Have you felt lightning? I have… I was maybe 20 feet away from a strike – I was outside running between a pavilion and my car… yeah tempting fate and ended up getting too close to the lightning before I was safely in my car.  The heat was unbelievable! The flash hurt my eyes. And the sound was as loud as you could imagine God’s roar… I would not tempt that kind of fate again… well – maybe…

So I went on this unknown journey of faith – I don’t know if I was worried about being struck by lightning… Did I feel the energy in the air?  Yes most definitely!!!  Did the thunderous sound of God catch my attention? You better believe it did! Did it make my hair stand up on end? Oh yeah!!  In my faith journey I was tempted to touch the key… I got closer and closer and I then prayed for the key to touch…  and the key fit into my soul… the energy transferred… the Lord came to me in the most gentle of ways.  I will use my God lightning from here on out to serve God at to give Jesus the honor He is due.

Would you approach lighting?  Don’t let it get so bad that lightning has to kill you – don’t get so dead that lightning has to be used like a defibrillator to wake you up …… maybe you know people who need a jolt to wake up… maybe they or you just need to feel the energy and taste a little zap… you will want that zap again – trust me – you will ask for it everyday…

Would you dissipate all the gained electricity as heat – screaming? Maybe you should be an engineer and hook up the machines and capture that lightning for future use. Only a few are called by terrific heartbreaking jaw-dropping blockbuster-movie lightning strike… and only a few of those people are called to spread that lightning in the form of energy to others.

Nope, my journey was not a blockbuster movie…  there was no direct lightning strike…but yes, I did feel the electricity all around me – and I did approach the powerful energized key….  my excess energy emanates now – not as heat but now as writing and in praise… and in song…

PERHAPS (yes I know the answer to this) perhaps there are many many people who can relate to my story – a quiet story – maybe you are on your own journey to find your own key…

So many people still need to come to terms with their faith –  many people have hearts that need to crack open and yes, they need to feel the energy…

God is Good – feel His energy inside of you… long for that repeat lightning strike…

54

Email, 03FEB, (check out the “Rock Climbing” and “God sent ice” essays in Jan)

Holy Family Girl Scouts, 03FEB

This cross was in the background of my rock climbing buddies on that most moving of nights when I failed to learn to belay, and it was the ice storm that enabled me to stay there an extra hour and complete my training – guiding me was a most calm and consistent trainer – Keith is his name….  (see writings in Jan)

My Girl Scout Leader and my “Holy Family” fellow scout moms were both there for me and also gave me the space I needed to decompress that night…
——————–
Date: Feb 3,
To: GS leader

Now that I have shared that first set of 50 writings with you, I have to tell you… that the first thing I saw on this photo was the cross on the back wall…

I love my holy family girl scouts…
Thank you for your most amazing support that night…I truly needed it. thanks

53

The Rising, 01FEB

From: debbie
Date: Sun, Feb 1,
Subject: RE: thanks for great sermon
To: Pastor
Oh… I need to mention that I got a little lost on my way from the restaurant to my women’s retreat friend’s house… which brought me to road near the 911 garden of reflection… I had never stopped… but of course felt compelled to… I went and held onto the steel girder and prayed for those lost and for peace…I thought about the 3000 people Peter converted with one sermon all those years ago, and remembered it was 3000 people lost on 911… I prayed that they were found that day.

I picked up one of those plastic coins caught on the sculpture… turned it over… it was John 3:16… on Superbowl Sunday… my first time accepting 100%

Smiles…

---

On Feb 1, 2015 9:27 PM, “Pastor wrote:   Thanks!  The Spirit used you to inspire me.

—-

From: debbie Date: 02/01

To: Pastor

Subject: thanks for great sermon

that was a great sermon and “H” said she knew you were talking about me in the first service and I KNEW you were talking about me in the second service – I liked how you said something like – “just going to go with it…”  and I thought you were very strong in your message…   I was just smiling all the way through…     🙂

---

Post email note – I added these links after the email chain:

Sting, one of my favorite artists performed a tribute to Bruce Springsteen, with his song “The Rising” – here are the links to Sting’s song and the original and live versions by Bruce – it is a tribute to a firefighter rising to the sky to the world trade center fires and then rising to heaven in that tragic day…  was so on my mind the day I finally committed from 99.44% to 100% in my belief of Jesus that day at the 911 garden of reflection….

Sting:     https://youtu.be/tmWYg4W9CaY

Bruce:     https://youtu.be/6i-fiRgbpr4

“The Rising” Bruce Springsteen, Lyrics:

Can’t see nothin’ in front of me
Can’t see nothin’ coming up behind
Make my way through this darkness
I can’t feel nothing but this chain that binds me
Lost track of how far I’ve gone
How far I’ve gone, how high I’ve climbed
On my back’s a sixty pound stone
On my shoulder a half mile of line

Come on up for the rising
Come on up, lay your hands in mine
Come on up for the rising
Come on up for the rising tonight

Left the house this morning
Bells ringing filled the air
I was wearin’ the cross of my calling
On wheels of fire I come rollin’ down here

Come on up for the rising
Come on up, lay your hands in mine
Come on up for the rising
Come on up for the rising tonight

Li, li, li, li, li, li, li, li, li – li, li, li, li, li, li, li, li, li – li, li, li, li, li, li, li, li, li

There’s spirits above and behind me
Faces gone black, eyes burnin’ bright
May their precious blood bind me
Lord, as I stand before your fiery light

Li, li, li, li, li, li, li, li, li – li, li, li, li, li, li, li, li, li – li, li, li, li, li, li, li, li, li

I see you Mary in the garden
In the garden of a thousand sighs
There’s holy pictures of our children
Dancin’ in a sky filled with light
May I feel your arms around me
May I feel your blood mix with mine
A dream of life comes to me
Like a catfish dancin’ on the end of my line

Sky of blackness and sorrow (a dream of life)
Sky of love, sky of tears (a dream of life)
Sky of glory and sadness (a dream of life)
Sky of mercy, sky of fear (a dream of life)
Sky of memory and shadow (a dream of life)
Your burnin’ wind fills my arms tonight
Sky of longing and emptiness (a dream of life)
Sky of fullness, sky of blessed life

Come on up for the rising
Come on up, lay your hands in mine
Come on up for the rising
Come on up for the rising tonight

Li, li, li, li, li, li, li, li, li – li, li, li, li, li, li, li, li, li – li, li, li, li, li, li, li, li, li

52

Ripple from God not Man, 01FEB

My goal in this spiritual journey was to find peace for my conflicted brain and heart and then later on I thought that at least I would at least find my spiritual voice to lead the many church groups I am in charge of… but this ripple effect of seeing faith is the nicest present…

A great ripple of my faith journey is the hearing of the ripple effect into other people’s faith journeys – three directly told me today –  a couple yesterday – people who are being more dedicated to their own prayers – people who are reading into things and praising more… even our pastor alluded to it in both his sermons (didn’t hurt I was sitting smack dab in front of him in the second service 😉 haha).

Maybe even more felt this ripple effect – and I certainly got the direct eye contact of some people as I walked the halls of church today – I felt this ripple effect – and I didn’t feel it boastfully – but humbly…

(AND later in church I was running (yes running in church) in my new balance sneakers after a Sunday schooler – who decided he didn’t want to be there – he bolted all the way to fellowship hall… ugh… thankfully it was God’s timing for me to catch him – to rein him in. He was previously my kindergarten Sunday school student and that knowledge of  him, and people in general, is INVALUABLE – if you can read the clues you can intercept…. you have to have open eyes to the clues… just like you have to praise or else the rocks will praise.)

So I pause now to remember and reflect that our faith journeys have to be ours – ours alone with God – yes with the help of others – but everyone has a different road…  I pray my ripple effect is really to help people learn to praise –  I have to praise God for this journey and everyone has to praise on their own – you have to praise all the time – good or bad you praise!

The song “Ripples” struck me yesterday – not even knowing what the title was – I was perusing a new old Grateful Dead album ) – “Ripples” still resonates with me today – because I know God needs to make the ripples (with no pebble tossed by man) and I pray that God ripples into my friends’ faiths like he did into mine.

Lord, may our cups be filled…

“Reach out your hand if your cup be empty
If your cup is full may it be again
Let it be known there is a fountain
That was not made by the hands of men”

————-

“Ripple”   

Words by Robert Hunter; music by Jerry Garcia.

If my words did glow with the gold of sunshine
And my tunes were played on the harp unstrung
Would you hear my voice come through the music
Would you hold it near as it were your own?

It’s a hand-me-down, the thoughts are broken
Perhaps they’re better left unsung
I don’t know, don’t really care
Let there be songs to fill the air

Ripple in still water
When there is no pebble tossed
Nor wind to blow

Reach out your hand if your cup be empty
If your cup is full may it be again
Let it be known there is a fountain
That was not made by the hands of men

There is a road, no simple highway
Between the dawn and the dark of night
And if you go no one may follow
That path is for your steps alone

Ripple in still water
When there is no pebble tossed
Nor wind to blow

You who choose to lead must follow
But if you fall you fall alone
If you should stand then who’s to guide you?
If I knew the way I would take you home

51

Email, Feb 1, morning:

Hi, Debbie,

PRAISE THE LORD!  HE and the angels in heaven are rejoicing in your new life in HIM!  God bless you richly; I look forward to reading your 89 pages. Love in Him,

——-

Email to Pastor, Feb 1

that was a great sermon and H said she knew you were talking about me in the first service and I KNEW you were talking about me in the second service – I liked how you said something like – “just going to go with it…”  and I thought you were very strong in your message…   I was just smiling all the way through…

🙂

—————

Email to a friend, Feb 1, evening:

was thinking of our conversation and was singing amazing grace  – thinking of how much the lyrics pertained and then it started snowing….  graceful snow …   🙂

smiles

——————-

Email from a friend, Feb 1

Still reading through your writings Debbie, loving the Lego one right now, after a brother, son and now grandson who all love Lego I can so relate to this.  One block at a time, wonder what God is building in me today.

 

 

 

50

email to women’s retreat organizing folks – to L.H. whom I wanted to share my journey with, 31JAN

OH L.H.!   I am so so sorry – I know it must be terrible to be in such pain and also to not be able to do all the things that you want to do – having thrown out my back a few times…

I have to tell you now – by email – writing – that I have been called by God to write out this whole last month of my experiences, so it totally doesn’t surprise me that I have to write this all out to you…  and it is likely the best thing for me to write this because my words are not there when I speak – but boy do they flow when I type…  so – you may want to have a tissue nearby 😉

Of course I want lunch together with everyone so badly – but honestly it was really my enthusiasm that I could not wait to tell you, personally, with my words of the most amazing journey that I have been on last year and acutely this past month…  I thought I would tell you directly first – but as I have been sharing more and more – this is coming out in God’s terms and in God’s time… which is pretty darn fast at the moment…

So – I knew/know that you will be happy – I wanted to tell you so much that I finally get it —-   I finally, finally, finally accept Jesus……

I have been so blessed – I have finally had this flood of emotions coupled with my brain getting in sync with my heart and whoosh – a journey I wouldn’t trade for anything – it took me 45 years – but I am here.

I wanted to tell you in person and then tell everyone else – and yet I know that writing is my method…  I probably couldn’t have gotten through the conversation anyway – without the tears – I just now finished a good 5 minutes of tears at my sorrow that I couldn’t give you the biggest hug – because Lord knows that you won’t want that for your bad back!!!!!,  I am so so happy now and humbled that I HAVE FOUND AND ACCEPTED JESUS TO BE REAL FOR ME!  yes I feel like SCREAMING it – but I so want to make sure my words are right – and I want the Holy Spirit to guide my words and not my Blarney-Stone-induced gift of gab…  and this has been the case – my opening of speaking it has been with people who already saw it in me – wow…

With our retreat women, I have been blessed to have real wonderful conversations – and the women’s retreat was so needed in my mental therapy for peace after a busy year each year and before a busy Christmas season each year…   the first one I attended was the 10th anniversary one and sure, I saw it as a chance to get out of the house of a one year old and four year old – who wouldn’t want the break – and I said  “If I sit on a rock all weekend, I will be happy”   and I didn’t do that  I was like “wow – I already know these women – they aren’t scary bible-thumping women that I feared – they are the most gently and God-loving and people-loving … and at the end of the retreat, I had such the best cry with Pastor S – when I was able to let down and release the bottled up stress of life….

LH – you have been the most gentle soul – my canoe partner – my roomie…  With you, I realized that one doesn’t have to be a bible thumper – excuse the term – but one can be the witness to the power of God and Jesus – to live the life – to walk the walk and not just talk the talk – you certainly have and live Jesus’s words everyday –  and to be human – i know you put that cockroach on wheels in my shoe in the bathroom which I proudly displayed afterwords on the shoe because it filled the crack and everyone took notice…  yup – fits with a sermon Pastor J preached (jan11) about filling cracked Japanese pottery with beautiful gold – Kintsukuroi – God fills in our broken cracks beautifully with golden repair so others can see where we were healed…well God has filled my cracks with gold and beautiful plastic cockroaches on wheels… smiles…

So – I have been sharing my story with writing – with first “A”, then “Pastor S” and my friend-counselor-ace-in-my-pocket “K”…  truly blessed to have this as a digital release valve for my thoughts and prayers…. then I was able to open up my pieces to a few more  and a few more – very specific pieces for very specific people… and that list now includes Pastor and a couple others just today… when GOD walks the person into my path I know it is time to tell of my journey…  I must tell you that it has been a LONG process in a short amount of time – easing into what is right to share – and I am getting there still – small openings, telling of where I am – rather than where I have been  – and I feel so blessed!

ah…..  so I will now send you some of my writing – again I have been writing to therapy-myself through this – I actually have over 40 pieces now – and I have been so blessed to have three initial and now about a dozen people on my journey with me…  I had not an eureka moment – but a snap in my brain (I wrote about this in the second essay that I will send you- my LEGO Christianity essay) I had this aha moment when I was teaching my sunday school class and made up my own lesson using a well know experiment using hydrogen peroxide, dish soap and yeast  – where yeast acts as a catalyst and brings about a change in the hydrogen peroxide – causing fun oozing warm bubbling of oxygen…  I called the yeast Jesus – acting as a catalyst to bring change to people more quickly than had been taking place – an “oooohhh  – maybe I can now see that is the reason for Jesus” and that became my mediation for my questioning – for about a year ?  maybe more? I can’t remember – but then my “Christmas Flood” came…

LOVE YOU – and thanks for letting me share like this 😉

I pray for your back – for others to come around you and for God’s hands and His breathe to blow that back back into place…  for others to pick up your heavy pans of life and lighten your load – and most of all for your continued health – for the doctors to do the right things to help you and I pray and sing this with words from a song that ring truer to me now than ever before: “Jesus, may you receive the honor that you are due” Amen

——–

On Sat, Jan 31,  at 6:01 PM, LH wrote:

Hi, all,

I am also looking forward to our lunch date, BUT if I don’t show up at church tomorrow it is because: On Tues. I fell in our big kitchen, wrenching my back.  On Friday morning, after a nearly sleepless night, I told my husband to take me to the emergency room.  Well, I have a compression fracture in my lower back, and am on pain meds.  My husband could drive me tomorrow, but I won’t know until morning if I feel up to the ride.  I am waiting for an appointment to see an orthopedist; hopefully they call with a time on Monday.  Pray for me.  This is a very busy time at our campus, with our new candidates in training, and the kitchen opening (only for two nights a week, as our volunteer cooks cancelled out the day they were to arrive.  sad.  I can do some supervisory work, but not lifting the pans, etc.

Love,   LH

On Sat, Jan 31,  at 6:22 AM, debbie wrote:

So looking forward to our lunch!!!!!

49

Smiles, 30JAN

yeah God is all around …I stumbled into this conversation today – from a fellow (younger) scientist…  we had a great talk about HER – not me… so good…   and God sent beautiful snowflakes here too, smiles….

—–

From:x

Sent: Friday, January 30,  4:05 PM

To: Debbie

Sometimes I definitely feel a bit alone in being a Christian around here. I’m encouraged in your faith being a scientist. I feel like so many I meet just can’t believe because of “science”. I feel like the beauty of science and how it works just supports my faith in God even more.

x

—–Original Message—–
From: Debbie
Sent: Friday, January 30,  4:04 PM
To: x

Sure! And anytime you want to come talk I would love to sit down with you!!!!
Debbie

—–Original Message—–
From: x
Sent: Friday, January 30,  3:59 PM
To: Debbie

Thanks .
I love the prayers included and look forward to using them to pray… It is so crazy. Here AND around the world! Thanks for the info, I like to be as informed as possible!

x

48 (follow up to #47)

Email to Pastor et al.., an early observation that God was bringing thoughts and people and direction to me to climb…

LOL, Pastor, you sent me a five minute video… And I sent it to my friend… now I have to read this huge tome from Sir Isaac Newton, sent to me by my friend, a trusted soul advisor… He is an amazing scientist and philosopher…he is a Thomas Jefferson-Ben Franklin-Isaac Newton and true God believer who uses science to prove God…he walks the fine line with teaching science and God philosophy…thank God he has tenure! His lab was immediately next door to my lab back many years ago, and he lives in one of the houses in the neighborhood that my great grandfather and grandfather built -I have carpenters in my blood 🙂

But actually I only had to read pages 544-555, that’s it, to get the gist… Of God creating the universe…I will read the rest later…

Such a blessing…
Thanks again

—Dear Debbie,

A bit of Isaac Newton that I have my students read. Thanks for your thoughts and the video.

Thanks,

47 email to Pastor et al, 30JAN

Subject: Re: VIDEO: Atheists Confounded as MIT Scientist Offers Proof that God Exists!

Thanks Pastor – you are a true blessing to me – always were but I realize it more now…

Yeah – good concise video – great explanation of the universe…although I always worry when a scientist says “proof” because in real science theory there is no proof – just an ability to “disprove” a null hypothesis –  but that really doesn’t matter here and the video is really is a good explanation of the universe – and it is so clear to me that the big bang theory, evolution and God are totally in sync…  “something from nothing”…  (where nothing is a really BIG something – GOD!)  and I do appreciate the video scientist discussion that God still works in everyday life – and not in an existentialist point of view that something came from nothing and that nothing is still nothing – that God is dead…  I shall have really good discussion with my atheist friends – because they are my friends first and atheists second…

“Something from nothing” …  and yes, now I have to tell you of a God sighting from this video. you sent… I listen to a radio station online with a good mix of old rock and my favorite morning show and my favorite dj – edgy I know, but funny and makes the commute zip by… (besides the DJ is an ordained minister too and always says “God Bless the Grateful Dead” LOL – but I digress…).  So, there is this new song – I have been hearing over and over again – and I really like it (even though I am not a foo fighters fan at all… a huge band, but I never listened to their songs). This new song was played on the radio over and over again – it was strong and spoke to me right away and it amplifies from mellow to stronger and stronger – and yes it grows like the universe – it is called “Something From Nothing”   So there you are – when the video scientist said that phrase “something from nothing” – God got a STRIKE – in bowling terms  – yet more proof that God exists BIG TIME and thinks about me and reminds me that he is taking care of me …

 

My music tastes connect me to God every day – over and over again… the best part about God is that we appreciate Him – that we notice Him – that we tune ourselves into him… those who don’t are lacking and I also just read tonight in a quick scan of a book  “The Reason for God”, the author states that Hell is:  “soul disintegration that self-centeredness creates” – and he related the story in Luke 16 – Lazarus and the Rich Man – hell for the rich man is spiritual blindness, denial and no identity of God… even when he is IN hell, he cannot see why Lazarus is in heaven…  I see that Hell could really be “Nothing from Something” – bitterness and spiritual denial takes all the good somethings away…

I really don’t need much more proof that God is alive – but it is reassuring to see –  I just look all around and it is so evident to me – those “rocks cry out” – I have to praise what I see… I always did – but now I feel like I am screaming it – which I have to find my quiet voice again to tell it more calmly…  that is why I write – – I can’t get the words just yet – it comes out in bursts – but writing just flows….  I send these writings to about 12 people now – whom I have shared my story with – trusted souls – and that number is growing – every day I think of someone else I could encourage and say ‘look God does exist in the little things and the big things and we don’t need just tragedies to turn us to God,  God is there all the time for you…..”  I don’t want to turn anyone off – or be boastful – but it feels so gosh darn good…. I didn’t know I could get MORE joyful than I was – but it’s a true gift from God – I am getting “something bigger from already having something” – an underlying music track of praise in my brain and a music track of love in my soul… it’s childlike I know – but hey – everyone seems to call me “kiddo” anyway… 😉

Today a small wisp of snow on the turnpike – it wasn’t snowing so where did this set of wispy drifts come from?  it must have failed from trucks – but snow is snow and God danced the wisps around for me – just like in my poem from a few weeks ago – He reminded me that He is there in everything…

Wispy, Jan

up early leave early
a Northerner awakened
wispy white wondrous
snowdrifts dance on the untreated Turnpike
dancing under the direction of the wind
occasionally caught in the imperfections of the road

the Subaru danced me all the way to work

 

On Thu, Jan 29,  at 9:03 PM, Pastor  wrote:

http://blessings.buzz//01/27/video-atheists-confounded-as-mit-scientist-offers-proof-that-god-exists/#.VMq1W8UnCjY.mailto

46 email

Ah….and the best therapeutic talk tonight with my best friend, academic is his atheism…we had a really good tear-filled talk…he is awesome and loves me so much.. he was so encouraging…sent me a Cat Stevens song… told me to just be me…

If You Want To Sing Out Sing Out – Cat Stevens – …: https://youtu.be/NDq36YD1ESM

45

Roll Easter Rollercoaster, 29JAN

God signed me up for an Easter rollercoaster…bought me the ticket, moved the coaster right to me…they say God can move mountains, but when he moves them deliberately INTO your path, you take notice…I noticed. It’s time for me to ride the ride and tackle the Easter mountain…and it is time for me to accept Jesus 100%, not just at 99.44%, where I am currently holding on. I got the Christmas part down now… Jesus is real to me now, been an awesome merry-go-round. Amen.

Easter is my rollercoaster… Hop on.

I also plan to try to pull in extra rollercoaster riders to travel with me. Actually, there are lots of people I want to ride with…

Do you LOVE old wooden rollercoasters??!!! The slow ascend, the bumpy bone jarring rattles, the click click click as you come to a screeching halt, glad it’s done. YOU LIVED! and so so ready to ride again…. It’s the closest thing to tempting death … with a thrill of escaping death to ride again. Got a wooden cross? I got a wooden rollercoaster. I realized that you take out the letters “rco” from “RollErcoASTER”, and you get “Roll Easter” (why or why do I notice these things at 2am, then get forced to take to my processing therapy writing?)…anyway…
Wouldn’t it be great to go ride an old coaster? Yup, the trip to nowhere which is somewhere…talkshow host Larry King used to say “Altoona, go ahead” to the phone callers…Well, there is something big near Altoona…MY rollercoaster…MY childhood rollercoaster…the Skyliner…dismantled from my childhood park…rebuilt in this little park in Altoona…..there are actually four coasters there, one being the oldest in the world. I rode the Skyliner with my cousin every summer, when we visited my Aunt and Uncle for a week. One time we rode like 23 times in one day…there was a huge rainstorm, but then cleared…and cleared out the park…talk about the best day ever as a kid (remind me to tell you about the rutabagas some other time)…

Once a friend and I rode a double coaster both times together…because you can never ride alone…you shouldn’t ride alone…you might slip out of the seat… I approach Easter this way too…with friends for help, ask them to pull on my seatbelt. I want to use this opportunity to seek out… I really want to be a fellow rider for so many now… to help them not slip out of their ride… to pull their seatbelt a little tighter into life… I don’t know if I can do this, if I can get thru to everyone who crosses my path… I will pray on this, pray for the right words, right opportunity to speak, pray that others continue to draw these folks in and engage them in life, pray that I might have any impact as an encourager… a seat belt tightener…

Well, I am in this Easter rollercoaster ride cue now…I’ve had a couple of months now to walk in my faith closer to the gate…I’ve got my ticket validated… I really am going to accept Jesus as my Lord and savior…I so want to drink that cup. I so want this rollercoaster ride.

I LOVE old wooden rollercoasters… and YES I want to see and feel this bumpy ride…feel that old wooden rugged cross… I want EASTER.

As I practice this new balance of spirituality I am practicing stretching… not to connect with my inner Zen, but to connect with my forgotten inner C-section muscles…

Breathe at all times, full deep breathes…

My neighbor (who works out 7am every morning) offered to help me, one week we did aerobics, one week stretching…very comfortable setting to reintroduce myself into exercise – which, until I stopped a couple of years ago, I really enjoyed and gave me greater energy…

I need that energy again…and I am afraid for my health…so many close folks with diabetes, heart issues… I wonder if I am next…

At my neighbors, I had rescue dogs who licked my feet, questioned my downward dog, and gave me the comic relief I needed, especially Bear, a giant puppy, a Burmese MOUNTAIN dog…who plunked down next to me ready to pray… I mean play…

I took the tape home, to practice more frequently than once a week… Here I bump into furniture… and at first had to endure the family members giggling…but I pushed thru that…slowly they just might accept…understand what/why this time and place makes it easier to practice…

Addition of the breath…that’s important.  That’s most important in sharing spirituality too…get the deep breathe in to push thru the conversation you know you want to have, and exhale and listen to how your message is received.

Sometimes you take warrior pose, sometimes child’s pose to come back to your breathe…
The instructor on the tape says “we want to be challenged, but never straining”… Yup, that’s Christianity too…just breathe and move…keep the movement fluid.

“The light in me salutes the light in you.”

43

Email from a friend, 27JAN

Thanks, I am all choked up…I know that I am only a product of HIS light shining through me

Thanks

On Jan 27,  10:42 AM, “L” wrote:
Thank you Debbie, this is a beautiful essay full of gratitude written by you (you have the writer’s talent here ) but felt by many I am sure.  We often do not thank those we take for granted, but that is a dangerous practice, I feel all of us should put more gratitude in our attitude.  That being said, I want to say a collective thank you from myself and many others( I am sure ) to you for all you do for our church.  Most of all I want to say thanks for the positive , encouraging and EXCITED optimism that you bring to everything you have a hand in, and that’s a lot!
There are many of us in the church who admire you and are thankful for you ~ some ( like me ) wish we had just a smidgen of your energy, but God has blessed us all differently and abundantly and you definitely use your talents for the greater good.

It is a blessing to know you and love you.  God Bless,

L.

 

42 God Decorated my Christmas Tree, 27JAN

Oh crud (not the word I used)…I just realized that this is nor’EASTER snow…not Christmas snow but Easter snow….guess Easter’s roller coaster is here for me to start my ride…  😉

I see God decorated my Christmas tree even more beautifully then I could have ever done…. Countless tiny decorations…Not the snow amounts I expected, but the snow I needed, and it’s still coming…and I thank God for SNOW and Christmas…

41

Weird Dreams, Snow and Jesus, 26JAN

I am so impatient – I am waiting for this snow – I want the fluffy snow that quiets life – makes things still – the snow I wrote about previously: “…waiting for the snow for those who enjoy the quiet – enjoy the sound-dampening air-pocket filled piles of big beautiful fluffy flakes covering the muddy-ucky ground – absorbing sounds – preventing hustle and bustle and causing peaceful quiet all around. no driving, no school, no work, no fuss, the world takes a rest. World peace exists. Perhaps you might hear God say “Be Still and Know that I am God”

Well – school is pre-cancelled – the boss already knows I am not coming into work and I have both my computer and enough vacation time to take… but on principle they promised a foot of snow and we have barely an inch… ugh
I am impatient with God too – I both want Him to speed up and to slow down… I am wishing that God would slow down and let me stay on my calm Christmas merry go round – where I FINALLY accepted Jesus (Praise the Lord) – I am telling God – slow down – I am not ready for Easter yet – THAT roller coaster – I have to wait in line for it – are you sure it is my time? I keep asking God… and yet God moved so quickly and moved my challenging mountain right in front of me – where I couldn’t go anywhere but up… he threw the ropes down and he gave me so many wonderful guides – and yet I hesitate – not trusting God fully… God says “GO!” So, yes – I know I am to climb THIS year – but THIS Easter – I thought it would take years but God said “GO!” …..

…….and so I want to go now – I want to just climb climb climb – I want the SNOW – I know that God never promised snow – I am impatient… I have all I need and yet I want more… God laughs – He won’t give me my snow until I deserve it.

But oh – to have that gentle fluffy white pristine snow…. NO! – I have wind – I have granular sticky slippery slope snow… God sent 50 mph gusts – going to blow me up that mountain if I keep pausing…

I became bold enough to speak yesterday about my spiritual growth and I didn’t even need my words – my Pastor could tell!! – he could tell that I had been changed by God – that I was so different – oh the joy we both felt was SO wonderful – He described Naaman to me – from Kings (and God-sightingly one of our VBS stories this year) – how Naaman had to not only dip himself into the river – he had to let himself go – he had to 100% completely let go – get himself out of the way -allow God to baptize him – and he had to BELIEVE 100% – well that is so much of the way I am feeling – I got myself out of the way by studying and finding where I lacked faith and found the faith – and yet my toes are just so barely touching the bottom of the river – I am so barely holding on – I am like ivory soap at only 99.44% pure – I am so so close – I WILL get there! I know it is God’s time – and I am to be patient… I just want to let myself GO – I feel I have to share my story and I know the people who are next to hear it – it is incremental – it is fast and slow – it is deliberate – it is in God’s time… with God’s words…

A crazy dream I had two nights ago – my unconscious dreaming finishes up random thoughts of mine – no I don’t think that God is speaking through angels in my dream – I think I am finishing thoughts – gluing them together – wrapping up loose ends…. a wacky dream and a profound dream back to back on Friday night – first wacky – I was being berated by the nicest person – randomness – about a rope hanging from a projector screen – no connection I can find with that – but the people and I have a connection – and the one yelling at me in that scene was the person being scolded a few weeks back for some misunderstanding by the other person in that scene – that seemed to be odd to me – and I spoke out to the one doing the scolding… and just a minute later everything was fine – laughter and no harm no foul – but that scolding – perhaps that populated my loose end random dream is what I accept and I move on…

THEN – the not so random dream came next – a VERY prophetic dream to me – I was hearing music – hearing Warren Zevon music and all of a sudden he was there – I think of Warren Zevon in his last days – his last album and “Knocking on Heaven’s Door” song rendition – knowing he had terminal illness – month to live at the most… how poignant … knowing you are going quickly to death. well – the music played and Warren Zevon was close to me – and the music played – there was a lyric about Jesus and I stopped to over-analyze – and somehow rewinded the music as if I had a cd player in my brain- and I listened to the song part over and over again – and oh how I wish I could remember the song when I woke up – the only stretch of the lyric I could remember was “come to Jesus – come and drink my cup”. and Jesus was walking towards me and holding the chalice and enticing me to drink from the cup. …. and then I woke up – UGH – I so wanted to just drink from that cup – UGH I now wish I had grabbed it and gulped – impatient!!!! Why did I wake up???? BUT – it was the most gentle beckoning in the dream – gently and “dreamy” – I was less than a foot away from Jesus when I woke up… so tried to repeat the dream – but it was gone…

No – I don’t believe it was any saintly vision – I feel it was ME wanting to draw closer – to “drink the kool-aid??” as they say??? I do feel it was me wanting to finish this journey and drink the cup – let go of that ledge with my toes in the river and just float – I so want that – I will get there – I am 99.44% – 99.44% is Ivory SNOW! UGH – “SNOW” – I just connected that in my brain – thanks God – you are ever present in my mind – and you pull it together when I try to unravel it… I need to be the one that “lets it happen” and doesn’t “make it happen”…. “Be still and know that I am God”

Christianity is a journey – ongoing – forever a trek – no promises for easy walks – sometimes a roller coaster – sometimes waiting impatiently until you accept – Maya Angelo wrote about Christianity: “It is in the search itself that one finds ecstasy”

My snow – God will bring it and float me in it – and make me 100% pure – I just have to let myself go…. snow…..

40 – VBS email #2, 25Jan

Everest – Vacation Bible School  –

Every year, one month prior to our summer vbs, we get to hear the reveal of the newest “easy vbs” kit from Group Publishing for the following year…when hearing “Everest”…Conquering Challenges with God Almighty Power…we got excited and knew that this was the perfect theme for us here at church!
Everest involves climbing, camping and snow (yes, you all know snow lovers even if you aren’t one), but Most Importantly it involves CONQUERING CHALLENGES…that is something so central to who we are as a church, who we are as Christians, and where we are going on our life-climbing journey. We can faithfully plug in anywhere here on this VBS journey.

Climbing and conquering challenges is not done alone. We have heard horror stories of those who go off the marked trails by themselves, of the avalanches-the catastrophies caused by snow, misguidedness and by life….we need help…we need a solid base camp (that’s YOU our whole church family) – we need YOU as our base camp to help us safely climb, to give us direction, to nourish us, to pray for us. We need YOU in our base camp for your experience and advice.

We all know we aren’t supposed to climb alone. Last year when calling out…so many were found… so many stepped up to the plate…These are our climbing buddies….This year we are all going on an expedition together, to not only climb the mountain, to conquer challenges with God’s power, but also to lead an expedition – it is our most important climb EVER – a mission to bring so many new people (young and not-so-young) with us to experience God’s Almighty Power and God’s Unfailing Love.

We are going to rely on our spiritual sherpas, our expedition guides, as well as our church base camp to collectively carry out this mission.

We hope you will join us! Look for more specifics in the months to follow. Please join us in this quest, whether as part of the base camp or as part of the expedition team. We are all in it together.
AMEN!

 

this is an email chain soon after I realized I was awakening and my pastor knew it without asking – he didnt’ know where I was – nor did I – but he noticed the spirit change in me…  cool…

39

Told my Pastor – rather he told ME!

—–Original Message—–

To: Pastor
From: debbie
Sent: Sun, Jan 25,

wow wow wow  I was still reeling from our conversation after the dinner tonight and how you said you noticed….  wow

smiling from ear to ear!

I even had to share after with our friends xxx – who were waiting with me for youth group to finish up  – so excited to tell my tale – one by one – individually – personally – because that is how I so connect with people…

I am so glad you shared some of your personal story in your sermon – like I said that is what reaches me…

I am going to send you some of my writings – not want to overwhelm you – and these are going to some day go into something bigger – but right now I am sharing them personally with certain people…

thanks!!!  love ya!

this was an email discussion where I was realizing that the Lord lined up a theology professor as one of my facebook and church friends – the right person at the right time to “show me the data” about who wrote the new testament – critical in my understanding of the “realness” of Jesus.

38

Future discussion planned with my professor

On Jan 25,  2:06 PM, Professor wrote:
These are the kinds of things I know a lot about. 🙂

—–Original Message—–
From: debbie
Sent: Sun, Jan 25,
Subject: Banned Bible

Oh boy, history channel… Random tv flipping while up home visiting…funny to come across this show, banned bible on the History Channel.. flipping between this and 80s videos on VH1 classic

They talked abot Marcion creating his own Bible…banning the old testament… “marcion’s eraser”

And in Oct 28, 312….conquering Constantine becomes Christian…looking for order and unity…to bring all people together… He summoned all the bishops, Nicea…Jesus was declared man and God.

Eucebius ???…church history, 18 books…which should be accepted… Which are heretical…

You know, my father would see the TV show “Happy Days” reruns that I would watch after school, and say ” that’s not accurate – that’s not how the fifties were”….one has to wonder about those types of discussions at Nicea, how romanticized the Bible writings were….1800 bishops invited, 200-300 showed….

Hmmm….

37

Climbing Mountains, VBS, 25Jan

Did you ever feel like you had a mountain-sized challenge in your life? Did you ever ask God why? Why do I have this struggle? health problem? issue? dark hour?
I ask this question, and you possibly do too…

And although a mountain can be right in front of you, God can give you the tools, put fellow climbers alongside you… He sends down the ropes, and say “It’s time to climb…the only way is up!”

Having been a child, I know our collective children have these challenges too – and they are just beginning their lives and hopefully realization of their journeys with God. They have miles ahead of them…and they need YOUR help! They need OUR help! Our church Vacation Bible School strives to put our collective children on the right path of discipleship, a life-long journey.

“Everest, Conquering Challenges with God’s Almighty Power!” will be an EPIC adventure. We will challenge the children and we will be challenged ourselves…we can share our mountain climbing experiences and success stories, and be their spiritual sherpas to guide their way.

We ask you to join us, as part of our church base camp, supporting the climb. Perhaps you would like to join us that week as a helper, mountain guide…we would love have you join our team!

Friends, please remember that God can move mountains…Mark 11:23 “I tell you the truth, you can say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. ”

 

36

Wifi, first-second Peter, and Sermons, 24JAN

Strange to find the tablet picking up somebody’s WIFI at 430am…it’s not in this house that we are visiting, perhaps a neighbor…  At 430am, everyone is sleeping, except me, no phone battery to connect you to the outside world…no flashlight for a book, well thought I could play a game on the kindle…. Ok…. WIFI? Well that was a surprise! Now what could I look up?  Ok, been meaning to actually read the Bible more, good time for that…Peter I thought, been thinking of Peter a lot, his imperfections, my imperfections…

Except for that tough to digest first Peter 3rd chapter about wives and husbands, the advice is good…especially second Peter, the seven traits – Christian life goals…

What speaks to me is not just the advice, but the way it is framed…Peter says “my dear friends,”…that makes all the difference in advice giving… a term of familiarity and comfort with your audience, a term that shows your concern for them…you are telling them for their good, not for your personal gain. Your audience may actually listen and take the advice to heart…

I am a thinker with a good memory but I connect the emotional content of conversations, meetings to my memories…both at work and at home…I can tell you the tone of voice, the reactions of the people… this is attached to the dialogs in my head. That’s just the way I am.

Just like a Bible study or sermon given from the heart, when the audience is in the right frame of mind, private conversations have tremendous impact when you connect on a personal level.  I have benefitted from sermons and advice which have spoke to me…came from a trusted source…and had emotion-backed truth that made it stick. So much of me wants to gush in overflow about my personal spiritual experience, as if I had won the lottery… like you want to release a huge bombshell, but no, that would fall flat or worse cause bombs to be lobbed back towards me. I shared just a little info that I learned about Biblical writing history with a friend and got the response of: “she’s just a scientist, she doesn’t know God”, well it could of hurt my feelings but I just laughed it off, but that taught me that you have to frame your message – know your audience…   I have to have the armor of God for both those who think they know him and for those who don’t.

The Serenity prayer prays for wisdom to know the difference between thing you can change and things you can’t. I want to urge other certain someones I know to speak more personally, share their emotional attachments to the scripture lessons… because that works for me… but that is tough to do for some…seems easier and easier for me…but only one on one… if I spoke to a wide audience I think I would have to pick out someone in the crowd as if I were speaking to them personally, as a friend.  I pray for the Holy Spirit to give me words…the Serenity prayer for wisdom… And not my Blarney Stone gift of gab to blow it… to look for the small cracks in conversation, like a gentle breeze… Peter found his voice in between first and second Peter, I should too… I will get there, I will keep writing for now… But some day, I will be able to be bold and say “My dear friends”…

35 an email to Pastor (a few days before I told him about my spiritual growth)
From: debbie
Date: Thu, Jan 22
Subject: Feeding our Church Family, 22 Jan
To: Pastor

Hi Pastor, I write allot these days…it is a good dumping of my brain on to “paper”..  Sometimes essays, sometimes random thoughts…

I hope to share some with you sometime..

This one I wanted to share today…with you, and perhaps I will share with council of ministries folks…either individually or collectively, to say thank you.

I have been thinking about the stewardship meeting I crashed earlier this week, the VBS meeting, and the council of ministries meeting next week… and how I wish to encourage our church and ministry leadership…as I have been blessed to have a supportive church family and wish all people could feel the closeness and love that I do.

So this essay is called:

Feeding our Church Family, 22 Jan

A friend of mine is struggling…  has no church family – lost/tossed away her religion years ago and has been shaken by multiple stressful situations lately, with very few people to turn to…  So, through all this, I am reminded how blessed I am that I have my immediate and extended family, my friends, and I ALSO have a wonderful church family.  I have amazing supportive friends at work – and the most loving supportive family and friends… but my church family is where I can freely speak of God’s amazing work in my life and where I see and call out God working in others’ lives. I know it is tough for churches to keep track of everyone – but a strong network of support is the backbone (the safety net) of the church – that is Christians living in communal care of each other.

A different friend recently said she didn’t believe in God but kinda believed in Heaven and Hell – well, hmmm… – I know she is a good person and always “thinks good thoughts” when others are praying…  it reminded me of a hypothetical depiction I once heard – where heaven and hell have the same things – there are tables heaping with plentiful food – and giant long chopsticks. In hell, the people are starving and hungry and can’t eat because they can’t get the long chopsticks filled with food to their own mouths.  BUT, in heaven, the people sit at the tables of nourishing food and use the same long chopsticks….  but these heaven-dwellers and are super happy and well fed – because they share the food with each other – they use their long chopsticks across the table to feed the others – and they themselves are fed by others’ generous outreach.

Surely this generous outreach found in Heaven also pertains to our churches – to the communities which grow due to the purposeful nourishment of each other – to the church families who are actively involved in knowing each other’s business – not in a pushy nosy way but in a caring considerate way.  This cross-table feeding of fellow churchgoers is not JUST exchanging pleasantries on a Sunday morning in collective worship – it includes partaking in the many opportunities to emotionally bond, nourish each other, and to explore living communally as Christians.

I am grateful for those in the church who are constantly sharing their God-given talents and spiritual gifts on both the small and large scale. I have witnessed and I appreciate when my family and I have been fed spiritually by our church family and I appreciate the opportunities we have had to use our God-given talents to share with others.   When one does not feel fed by their church experience, they slip away…  It is not a deliberate act of leaving – it is just a quiet slipping away… people get caught up in the hustle and bustle – they forget to come to the table to get fed – they think sometimes that they are all ready full and satisfied and forget that they should come back to the table anyway to talk, to pick up the chopsticks and feed others. So I praise and thank all of you church leaders, ministry leaders, and all those people in the middle who are feeding our church family members everyday – I appreciate both when the regular diners are fed and when our church family recognizes that occasional diner who is still hungry and intercedes before they leave the table and start to drift away…

A kitchen worker may set up the tables and then set out beautiful and scrumptious foods for dinner. The partakers in the feast will not only enjoy the meal but also appreciate that this wonderful dinner was available to them. They will tell their friends that they were fed at church not only on food but in friendship, kindness, and a sense of community – an outward sign of sharing God’s love.

A music leader sets out the tracks and the chords, the musicians follow the conductors lead – and when they come together and they feed off each other’s musical talents, the sound is harmonious and is bolstered by their mutual enthusiasm. Sometimes, there are subtle reminders by the music leader in between sections of the song – so that the musicians remember to keep on track or to move onto the next section… These quiet reminders are so important – and the end product is a beautiful song that holds together.  Subtle and not so subtle reminders are also needed to stay on track with our faith journey – so that we stay true and become the best we can be. It takes our ministry leaders to remind us to move and be challenged in our faith – to grow and encourage others to grow…  harmoniously…

Thank you, our community of church ministry leaders and workers alike. You set up the tables, and encourage the others to come eat…you provide opportunities for members to become effective as Christians and together we can be harmonious and spirit-led. You enable the continual growth of God’s love.  Thank you.

34

Mon, Jan 19 –
Ok we had ice, we had rain, can you pray for snow for me? Thanks. Someone said to me “this has been a terrible winter”, at the same time I thought-“when is winter actually going to come?” We all have our own takes on life, don’t we 😉

Rain, a Floating Rain, 18JAN

Been thinking (a lot) about rain today… pouring rain and God’s rain (and reign)… the rain washed away the ice from this morning’s ice storm, my section has a great flood plain built in so that no houses get flooded, the rain allowed me to check out my newly re-attached rain gutters (they work!), and I thought about my future rain barrel project.  The song at church was “let your mercy rain on me”. My friend from college posted a rain quote about digging drainage ditches for all God’s rain. And I had written a piece about my Christmas flood one month ago yesterday.

I have been thinking of how to explain my spiritual growth this past month. Today is one month and one day after that Christmas flood essay, where I explain how so much good “God rain” fell on me and how I hope I can make it last… I have been thinking about God, the Holy Spirit and figuring out my acceptance of Jesus in this spiritual growth NON -STOP for over a month, not one day goes by when I don’t think about this. Every thought when I am not thinking of something else…”what is wrong with me?” Or is it “what is right with me?”… Everything is reframed in my new balance of life.

How am I going to describe this new thought train? I did not ask for this, but I allowed it to happen. I thought it is like low hanging heavy gas which sinks down and permeates… Like poisonous gas? Like fog? No…it is NOT poison or cloudy… it is life-enriching and clear… it is like rain. Yup, rain into my brain… Ugh, why does brain have to have the word rain in it? Instantly I noticed that just now. After the letter “B”, as in “Be still and know that I am God”, comes R A I N. It’s nourishing rain, but not drowning rain… instead, the rain has floated me up…the rain water has blocked more negative, non-nutritive thoughts. The rain in my brain is washing me clean and floating me closer to God.

This rain from God, I hope others can understand how it has helped me, floated me…and filled those tiny crevices in my head. Time to take some thoughts out, and set then aside to dry. Time to plant new seeds. Time to share some of my rain with others… maybe my writings are like my future rain barrel… they give me something to pour out when rain is needed in a parched dried soul of one of my friends.

Yeah, rain… RAIN on me, REIGN in me, REIN me in.

Thanks, God, for all of it.

33

Last induction of the Christmas tree glow…  I am going to have to take this tree down soon – not taking it down until sunday 🙂 or maybe monday….

This is a piece has been in my head for years (25 yrs probably) – with the new additions – it is long but it flowed, it is a deliberate piece… I had to get it out – I brainstormed it a few days ago – and now it is written – nearly uninterrupted 2hrs writing last night, 2hrs editing/writing this morning – so good to get this one out of my soul!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!

this piece is about losing a religion – but retaining – gaining – regaining a spirituality – there is a very very very important difference!!!

How I Lost My Religion, 17JAN
If you sense any burning in my voice in some of these pieces, it’s because I feel the hot glue gun that God is dripping on me to force me to get some of these harder pieces together – to force me to get them out, set them on a shelf and move forward…  Sometimes it is like “throwing up on paper” – get it out and then clean it up – and you will feel MUCH better…

I have a few friends who appear to have never had a religion… never got a religious or even a spiritual upbringing.  I, on the other hand, have the religious upbringing but my spirituality is self taught, God has shown me beauty in all things…pretty easy for me to believe in God. One such friend, who doesn’t believe in God, says she can’t “pray” for people when she sees strife – but she does think good thoughts for them. Although she doesn’t believe in God, she thinks there is a heaven and a hell… Well, at least she has some structure in her lack of belief system, hmmm….

Being Catholic was not always easy (that’s not unique to me, I now realize) – it was all I knew for a while as a child – but growing up in a progressive, international and diverse community that was and is my hometown, it was inevitable that I would have access to people of many faiths.  My family on my Dad’s side was catholic by default – from Irish background – and my father and his 5 brothers all attended our school/church (their 8th grade graduation photos line the walls of the school)….  my mother had no religion – and I remember at my grandmother’s passing the discussion that they were pretty sure she was baptized – even though there was no religion – there was an underlying spirituality that I saw existed at funerals. My mom had to go through baptism, confirmation and pre-cana all in one to marry my dad.

At Catholic school and in church as a child, I was taught that to worship you had to sit on your hands. Yup, I can remember Father John instructing us to: stand, put our hands behind us, then sit down.  Father John was in the service club with my father and bridged both the worlds of being a regular-type person and a priest . Yes, I was grateful that I have the religious background and I would never trade most of my life trials for anything now – but sometimes I wonder if what I learned was truly good for me.  I was glad that my parents weren’t super religious about going to church – my father didn’t like the sermons, he said.  Since I went to catholic school, I didn’t have to go to CCD class.  As a school, we would walk two blocks to church on feast days. One week my brother pulled altar boy duty at 7am every morning for a week, so my mom said “This makes up for lots of the times we missed”.  I remember often the prevailing emotions in my life experiences- but not always the facts that surround those events. I have social awareness naturally and my book knowledge is self-taught.

My long hours in forced mass attendance did benefit me to this day – I learned to sit (on my hands) and do nothing – and to sit and not fall asleep and to sit and just let my mind go. It was a Godsend to learn how to sit still – an hour at a time – charting the time going by – making it easier to sit through college and grad school classes and boring seminars later on… let your mind go – but don’t move and don’t appear to be not paying attention… got that down – thanks catholic upbringing… don’t remember the sermons. I remember the rote memorized prayers and the tune of the most wonderful arrangement of the Lord’s Prayer… I remember my first communion – so special… sat right up in front – I remember my pink dress, my white gloves and carrying the tray… I remember the bells rung by the altar boys – their white robes and SAM’s instruction to look up before looking down in prayer.  I remember my favorite retelling of the Easter resurrection story told in different parts by the many priests – it must have been special if more than one priest showed up that mass!  I remember the faces of the priests – the young ones who came in the 70’s in their scruffy hippie style – as well as the demeanor of the older priests.

Father C was our pastor – he was there for over 25 years – very nice man – good with the financial and social aspects of running a church – he once ran a stamp club for us in school – I remember him teaching us the word “philately”. He also had us make unleavened bread for our class’s first communion. I remember the gift of a special rosary, reciting the Hail Mary like there was no tomorrow. I loved the school carnival – my mom ran the rummage sale – my father made  “Dandy Candy Apples”.  I remember spending my money on games, raffles, winning a pink and grey afghan and those old Italian ladies yelling “Hot pizza fritta’s ! – Get’em while they’re hot!”   And the bingo… the smoke-choking filled gym in which parents were forced to work – “shake’em up” the permanent fixture bingo ladies would yell. It’s not just attending Mass that defined my catholic upbringing.

Catholic church Masses at college weren’t the same – first off, it was too far across the main thoroughfare of our tiny town –they were held at the other school across the way  – a 70’s incarnation of a church – modern with no stained glass saints which you could study while sitting through that long hour mass – no families – just college kids – guilt brought Catholics to church  and I guess these kids were no exception – they had been guilted well.  A few times I attended – not really worth the trip….

Then a friend said – let’s try the local community church – for all denominations…  first and foremost, we ran into our professors – whoa! – my chemistry and biology advisors – their families – other professors – community members…  there was a WOMAN minister – with children’s time at the beginning of the service – when the stories were entertaining for the children and enriching for the adults. There was the coffee hour afterwords – say what???  My catholic upbringing had none of this – and you call yourselves Christians, lol?  Drinking coffee together?  Shaken – but happy to see that the people were happy… WAIT where’s the guilt?  HEY – didn’t you have to go to confession before you were allowed to have that communion???  Yes I was raised with tolerance, compassion for my fellow man and an open eye view of the people of the world – but coffee and talking after church with cookies?  where was this in my catholic upbringing?  Again I don’t remember the sermons but as an emotional learner – I remember Rev D – I remember the personal connections – her reassuring smile and the people’s faith in what was preached.

World Religions class in junior year was a pass/fail formality for me – some easy credits to accumulate –  it wasn’t part of my core classes, so my major professor, chemistry teacher and overall good egg, Dr B, let me take it pass/fail to reduce my stress levels, knowing that my energy had to be focused on P-Chem and Biochem and oh yeah – that new boyfriend of mine 😉 … World religions was an eye opener to my catholic apartment-mate – she never heard of half these religions  where as I luckily knew people in my hometown who practiced them  – diversity in your upbringing makes a HUGE difference… For some strange reason, the world religions professor loved my writing – that had never happened before – I whizzed through class – left after 20 minutes during the final exam to the horror looks of the other exam takers – “it’s ok” I said out loud to the exam takers and again to the professor, “It’s OK! I am only taking this pass/fail and I have to study for Chem….”  😉

Back to that boyfriend…  time for marriage… time to find a church back home… we had moved back to my hometown to start our grad school careers.   Well my beloved childhood fairytale wedding – in my home church – stained glass, was dripping with flying wood buttresses – and faithful Father C…  Fairytale wedding? not so fast…  our first or second meeting… there was  “the paper”… Guess what, my fiancée was Methodist (born Presbyterian and transferred to Methodism) – that’s not Catholic… hmmm…  There was/is one Christ right?  Hmmm… not catholic… Not just a formality to breeze over this oversight on my part, a few extra Hail Mary’s on his behalf – no, I had to sign a paper – had to promise to raise my kids catholic – WAIT!  KIDS? WHAT KIDS?  Yup, they were pre-calling me on the carpet… Where was my upbringing? Where was my faith? Where were the tenants of my religion? If I wasn’t true to my religion then how could I be true to anything??  Discouraged – looked down upon for my situation – no mercy from Father C.  I know others had been in the same boat – but worse – not able to get married in the catholic church.  My future husband was supposed to sign away his rights to raise our kids in his faith – he didn’t actually have to sign the paper, just verbally agree… hmmm…  My Dad said -“Eh, just sign it – whatever” with the thought that it really didn’t matter what I signed – it was a later decision… My Dad’s words of wisdom were – “Your Mother always wanted you to be married in a church – don’t disappoint your Mother” … there it is folks – was I to lie to God to make sure I get married in a church?… No, that was one thing I couldn’t do – lie to God – nope – so I didn’t sign it – I didn’t even call Father C back up – I just wrote a letter retracting my request to be married in my home church – I lost my fairytale wedding I thought – move on…

The REM song “Losing My Religion” – That’s Me in the Corner – That’s Me in the Spotlight – Losing My Religion – yes, that was my theme song for 1991-1992.  Profound and prophetic – coincidence or music therapy?  Let me be clear – it was not just my lack of willingness to sign the dotted line about my unknown unplanned kid’s religion – but it was truly a year’s long process of my disagreements with the tenants of the Catholic church – with the heresy disguised as traditions – with my opposing views on euthanasia and abortion – sure I liked the Pope (John Paul II), but I really had been losing faith in my Catholic religion for years….   The forced paper for the wedding was the last straw.  My biggest argument then and now is – ‘It doesn’t matter whether you go grocery shopping –  to X or Y (two local stores) – it is the same food, just different packaging. That is the difference in these Christian religions – same food – same take home message – but packaged different – repurposed rebranded for a particular store.’  It was so clear then and now that Catholicism had its stronghold on churches and people but Christianity was and is much bigger than an individual church and an individual religion.  It was a good effort on my part to harden my heart and to tell myself it didn’t matter – but with the  REM song in my head – IT HURT – it really hurt to lose my religion.

Methodism – yes – an opening at the Methodist church – same date – same Christ – beautiful church – and actually this was the same church where my Godfather’s wife – a Methodist – attended…  He did sign that paper – he took his kids to catholic church himself without his wife – she went to the Methodist church and he came to catholic mass – equal but different – a testament to the strength of faith in one’s own religion and the strength of marriage – they agreed to be separate to be together – she agreed to it – and he was and is a wonderful loving dad and godly man – and they are still amazing in their togetherness, and their kids are amazing too.

The Methodist church – a beautiful church for a wedding – and guess what? Recovering Catholic – guess what?  ALL the “pre-Cana”-like classes we had were filled with former Catholics – talk about an exodus…  nearly all couples had a former catholic – including one whom I went to catholic school with. The term “Recovering Catholic” was how my librarian friend and work study mentor described herself way before I became a “Recovering Catholic” – a term I still use today – when people ask my religion – I say I attend the Methodist church – we practice Methodism – I was raised on Bingo but now I am into covered dish suppers…

Methodism – just a year or so after we got married a new pastor came to town – a spitfire – the most powerful preacher I have ever met – and also a great mom and grandma and pastor too. She lit up a room when she preached and brought me to tears so many times – especially in my later years through horrid grad school experiences… I still want to re-hear her Christmas sermon with children about gold frankincense and mud – I can’t remember why the mud – but I remember the emotions – the power.  Her Baptist-raised, Southern-bred soulful fire brought personal heart-touching stories – ones I long to hear again.  Methodism is yes, methodical but it like any sermon can be personalized and the result is unmatched in my opinion.  My good high school friend, now a Pastor, happened to attend as well – a friend who herself is a preacher now in the cold north country.  Her dad passed away suddenly quite young and the most vivid words from Rev RD will always be with me – “It Sucks!”   Yup, there is no way around it – there are good words to give at funerals – but when it comes down to it – “IT SUCKS” to have a family member die – a Dad – with so much more spirited life to live. She was grieving with the whole church in addition to the family – she showed us that it is ok to grieve his loss – it is ok to cry – it is ok to trust God too while we mourn. Those sentiments echoed in my head a week or so ago at another friend’s 51 year old mother’s funeral – it sucked for the family – our current church’s Pastor was visibly moved by the emotion in the congregation at the service – it was a therapeutic cry for all.

…..

There are more verses for this essay which are not lived yet – more stories for people who believe and who don’t believe –

 

Why? I ask: Why do we cling to religions that provide structure but provide strife? Why are people forced into pigeon holes of beliefs when it was supposed to be one church! and yet, I have found that many people are not schooled in why there are different religions anyway – they just find a place that they like the people and the pastor and stick with it for a while – there are some people who are hardfast into one religion – but others are just floaters…

 

It was a good effort on my part to harden my heart 20-25 years ago and to tell myself it didn’t matter that I lost my religion – but with that REM song in my head – it really hurt to lose my religion – and it DOES matter that I lost my way.

See there are more verses – more dos-i-dos – more losses and regains to be found for me and for others…. this is a good time to stop this essay – regroup and them come back…

Religion is not a fairy tale – beliefs gets lost in the shuffle – religion is nice while it lasts.. but it just doesn’t sustain me like spirituality….  God’s Spirit in us is what really matters…

32 (make sure to read #31 before this)

This is an important follow up to last night’s post… It is not lost on me that while hot tea would be appropriate to drink here on the cozy couch by the Christmas tree (I wrote this after I got home from the ice storm) that instead the extra drink from my kids’ happy meal is (yes) ICE tea… I am drinking ICE tea…

And God Sent ICE, 18Jan

After my fails at belaying and trusting during rock climbing, I couldn’t wait to get back this morning to try again. Luckily we stayed overnight; I had good therapy of silly moms until 1am, a good solid five hours sleep. We had 2 hours to climb in the morning. but I knew I had to leave an hour early to get to church class… and because of Girl Scout falling ill with fever, I was leaving even earlier – which meant only half an hour of climbing for my daughter… she was not happy at the least because rock climbing appears to be her life calling now…

But then God sent ICE. Icy freezing rain covering everything… Church  at 8 o’clock cancelled 9 o’clock canceled… I zip through social media , phone calls, texts … will my 10 o’clock class be cancelled too?.. prayerfully hoping (not that we should have left anyway because the roads were the worst…  shut downs, many car pileups)… ICE…terrible to say, but the JOY as I knew they would cancel, and they did… I could tell my daughter that she could climb the whole two hours… and climb she did, wow she is amazing!

After the flurry of texting etc about church canceled, I turned my attention to myself… it was time to retrain, refocus, retest … it was time to belay again, this time I was so determined, practiced and said I will belay my own daughter… I will never take my eye off of her… I would give my whole hand to keep her from falling… not worry about a possible pinch like I got last night. Well, she was too exhausted, I asked for a volunteer… guess what?  The daughter of my friend who I left hanging last night when I pinched my hand… she is the one who volunteered… yes I would give my hand for this daughter too…
With steady, even-keeled serious Keith our trainer, by my side, we started the test… she climbed, I belayed, I gave her advice for foot holds… I had good technique Keith assured me… I didn’t take my eye off her… She was to randomly fall four times in my test… she did, I found the right position for my hands… I didn’t drop her or forget about her… I saw her safely back to the wall… and safely down when we were done. I passed. No, I didn’t make a fuss… quiet victory, humbled achievement.

Now that I am certified, and my daughter will be wanting to go to the climbing gym, I know there will be more pain and pinches ahead… but I have better technique, better focus… it is not just rock climbing I am talking about… it’s counseling, it’s reaching out to people, it’s LIFE. Focus on your technique, never lose sight of the climber, keep the faith, and pray for God’s guidance.

The ice gave me extra time to climb my personal mountain, made us slow down and not be over confident on our drive home… And on my ride home, one of my teenage passengers was named Grace. I drove home with Grace, the free and unmerited favor from God.

Thank God for the Ice and the Grace.

31 (make sure to read #32 after this one)

Rock Climbing and Life Lessons, 17Jan

Tonight I failed, twice. Everyone is fine, but rock climbing fails can be fatal. We are fine and having fun rock climbing with the girl scouts. But I failed my “belaying test”… was I over confident? Or just a beginner’s mistake? I got my hand caught in the mechanism and I was stuck and in pain… I was testing so the trainer had the rope too he had my back and the person wouldn’t have fallen (this time) but still I was in pain and I twice lifted my hand off… he failed me right there… says it happens all the time, he will retest me in the morning… I was and am  upset at myself, for over confidence, for not working thru the pain… for taking my eyes off the climber and my hands off the rope…now, I know this was a common mistake the first time doing it… but I hate to fail… and worse I interpret everything that happens these days as God trying to tell me something… and I relate this to my helping people… what if I extend my hand, my ear, my compassion, and then let go of the rope?… what if I take my eye off the climber… if I am going to stand for something and offer to help and be bold in what I do… how am I going to handle if the person falls?… I try to watch out for people… I feel pride sometimes in helping people whereas I should feel prayer not pride… I should feel humble that God showed me someone hurting… chose me to help…

I ask myself, what if I can’t stay consistent… I will so try try try! There is no easy answer… my tears… I had to remove myself from the fun scout event in this overwhelming sorrow and stress. I was so blessed to have my troop leader, my silly sister,  come up beside me… comfort me and tell me what I would tell anyone else… these things happen.,. and you can’t always prevent the crashes… you can’t always stop the pain…

Tomorrow I will take that test  again… I am going to put myself out there again… and I am going to pray and keep my eye steady and my hands moving, listen and watch… it’s too important to me to not help people, it’s too important for me to not trust God…

My second fail tonight was my lack of trust and my motions on the rope may have caused my belayer to slip with her hand too… she will be ok, but more painful than mine… her hand was stuck… I didn’t trust when I saw too much slack in the rope… I didn’t trust and she got hurt… I found I was next to a fenced wall and scaled it as fast as I could… Sometimes God closes a door but opens a window… I scaled myself to safety.

So how can I trust God unfailingly? I am weak and only God can help me learn how to trust Him 100%. I have to trust… I have to get out of the way and just put 100% of my trust in Him,… otherwise it is going to cause someone pain and I will come crashing down.

30

Another Poinsettia, Stress and God’s Healing 16JAN

Stress bring flowers – a last ditch effort for the plant who is struggling, stressing to do the one thing that is most important in carrying out the biological mission of reproduction  – of passing on ones genetic material…  not only do plants flower when the nourishment, timing is right for the best survival of offspring seeds.. but they also flower as the a last ditch effort – this often happens when the plant who is struggling, stressing to do the one thing that is most important in carrying out the biological mission of reproduction  – of passing on one’s genetic material…When a new tomato plant is transplanted, the gardener must pinch off the first few rounds of yellow flowers to encourage the plant to spend its energy into vegetative growth – to keep the plant growing until it is big and strong and then able to produce big juicy tomatoes…those first few yellow flowers are a stress phenomenon – while the plant is getting established, its roots damaged, it has no idea that the caring gardener will feed it, water it and nuture it…

I don’t have a green thumb but poinsettias and me seem to do well together – I have at least three rescued ones – people ask if I put them in the dark, starve them to make them flower – and no – I just keep continually caring for them…  the stress comes naturally to them (my bad green thumb) and I don’t have to force the stress…  

This past fall I dug out and brought inside a a giant poinsettia  (the big one in the top of the photo) which I had previously rescued  from being tossed out at work a year ago after its usefulness as a decoration at work was done… – I watered it and planted it outside later in the late spring and it thrived so much!  I brought in before the frost.   and damaged one section of it – but that section did recover and although the whole plant lost most of its beautiful green leaves – it has been re-growing the green leaves again over the last two months… but the only part of it that is red and flowering is the one third that I accidentally damaged in a big way when I dug it out of the ground – the roots were damaged and it had a hard time taking in water.  So, now two months later, the whole plant is doing fairly well – and only that damaged area, that I stressed by transplanting, is now growing the red beautiful leaves. The stress of the damage – the repair was new root growth to take in water… well now it is beautiful!

Does stress make us more beautiful? 
A broken person recovers and is more beautiful from the stress.
Is it God’s way to show us where we need to grow? Put some new roots down?  To stand in front of others and show our cracks and how we are healing? To reach out to other broken people? To let God use our secrets and our damages to be examples to others?

I think that when we are in need of healing – we can ask some friends to help hold up the pieces – to provide emergency nourishment… but God has to grow us new roots for life-giving water. We have to reach out to God for repair. Only then can we show our real beauty.

29  This is a lighter wispy piece that preceded my spiritual piece that I emailed earlier…

Carpentry, Friendship, Imperfect Snowballs and World Peace, 15JAN

My Subaru was dancing again – very briefly for a short flurry on the turnpike – those dancing swirly wispy snow drifts on the dark pavement – I have been praying for snow – not just for me – not just for those kids at heart who long to sled, play, and have snowball fights – but also for those who enjoy the quiet – enjoy the sound-dampening air-pocket filled piles of big beautiful fluffy flakes covering the muddy icky ground – absorbing sounds – preventing hustle and bustle and causing peaceful quiet all around.  no driving, no school, no work, no fuss, the world takes a rest. World peace exists. Perhaps you might hear God say “Be Still and Know that I am God” – if anytime you could, it is probably more likely when it is snowing….

I need snow for my beloved vacation bible school this year – snow balls are free – they are fun to make – they store well in the freezer and what a treat for the kids to have a snowball in the 100 degree heat the last week of July – big kids and little kids alike will be awe-struck.  so in order to do this – I need snow – I need packing snow – um…I bought discounted fake spray snow – to give that niveous snow look on the windows… but  where is the real snow?  I am from upstate – there is plenty of snow there, and worse to worse I will have to make a pilgrimage if needed – I will get my snow – but wouldn’t it be nice if snow came to me?

While waiting for the snow this winter, I am happy that a friend and contractor/carpenter – came to me yesterday.  I have so many little and big projects that they accumulate and then I am gifted the opportunity to get them all done as superfast speed – when he comes on occasion from a long distance away…  it is beneficial to not only be able to accomplish tasks, but his friendship allows for the honest open discussions of the attributes of different types of dishwashers – different grades of wood flooring – and open discussions of how much work and cost each level of repair will take.  You have to count your blessing when you can have an honest discussion on anything – and the trust factor is so key when you are talking about the improvements in life and house that will impact your day to day micro-world – home where you rest and where you draw your strength from to face each day with a fresh attitude – home for you and your family.

Well – an unexpected gift came with the expected arrival this contractor friend, the gift was the snow.  snow from far away – melted, refroze, cemented on the van – it was the first thing that caught my eye – I ran for a plastic bag  – I knew what I had to do – I had to have that snow. But sadly it was icy – it was hard to chip off – it was dirty and salty from the road… ice that used to be snow is imperfect… clumps of melted ooze – snow on cars gets melted, refroze, and cemented down. but chipped it I did and put it in a bag – still a snowball even if it was imperfect snow – it still evokes the images and feeling of snow – it still works…it wasn’t the snow I thought I was going to get when I prayed for it – it was imperfect but still it was snow – and it reassured me that more snow was going to come – at some point – in some golden silent time.

Then as I dashed off to work, snow flurries came down – while listening to a song sung my by daughters church choir – “Thank You Lord” – “he sends the snow in winter”.  Snow kisses while dreaming of snow, a cozy repaired nesting house, and world peace…  A nice gift from God just like a few weeks prior when I wrote the poem:

up early leave early.
a Northerner awakened.
wispy white wondrous
snowdrifts dance on the untreated Turnpike.
dancing under the direction of the wind.
occasionally caught in the imperfections of the road.
the Subaru danced me all the way to work.

28

actually I have four pieces flying out of my head today – but this piece came out the fastest at lunch and is likely the result of me brainstorming (and almost finish writing) the other three pieces… getting those brainstorm thoughts down on paper to get them cleared from my brain and getting me out of the way… that’s how I could get this piece out.

Speaking of a Carpenter…, 15JAN
As I gush over my recent great home improvements, accomplished by a contractor friend, progress in leaps and bounds, repairs of an accumulated list of both big and small projects… it is impossible not to address the elephant in the room – another contractor – a carpenter – at work every day… Jesus was a carpenter trained to be a carpenter in human form… actually I have heard (from a tv program on the history of biblical people and places) that in Jesus’ day, the carpenters were actually stone cutters, stone masons… They were building Roman Coliseum-like stone buildings – either way they were workers – they worked with their hands … and that is a very good mental link to think of Jesus as our personal stone mason, laying down the bricks for a good foundation upon which to build a church, working on our own personal temple.  Sometime we need to contract out the work for speedy work that we can’t do ourselves – asking God/Jesus to help us in times of need – helping us restore some sanity – helping our “nesting” and building a safe and comfortable place to exist.

They always say things happen in God’s time, not in our requested timeliness… well I guess that means that God’s work could also be super fast not only super slow… could be calculated but accelerated. I often remind my Sunday School students to marvel about the fact that it was only three short years of teaching during which Jesus performed so many miracles and connected with so many people. He laid the foundation for a church growth, a spiritual movement, and one of the most profound statements I have ever heard: that Jesus knew He had to die and go to heaven in order that the Holy Spirit could come to the apostles…He had to physically “get out of the way”, to allow the extremely-needed Holy Spirit to take over and enable the forward-reaching mission of spreading the word of God Love. Over and over I hear – once you “get out of the way” and let things happen – that is truly giving it up to God and the result is amazing. If you are going to ask the contractor to do the work – then you have to let him do his work – you have to get out of the way…  If you are a child of God – then let His Carpenter do His Holy work on you.

27

Oh the Tears, 13 Jan

So I wondered why I hadn’t gotten teary in this searching which is an emotion-driven new awakening, new thirst for knowledge and understanding, a most profound spiritual change for anyone… been questioning “why no tears?” My Mom will cry at anything and I was this way as well… but apparently seven hard years of grad school, plus the many trying times in my life, I have built walls…  not hardened my heart, but built retaining walls to withhold emotion when I choose, I learned how to keep the tears in.

Music therapy works for me…overplaying a song or album in a loop until I myself get out of that repeat loop situation…the Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers album “She’s the One” and songs “Walls” and “climb that hill” was my music therapy during the last couple years of grad school, still the most difficult process I have ever accomplished, getting done… getting out… in spite of the issues, and because of the people in my foster-home-like second lab, who saved me, cured my ailing projects and allowed me to grow and move forward. “Some days are diamonds, some days are rocks.”… Over and over again Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers would sing and I would listen… I would HOPE!

So the tears, some tears did finally come, when reciting the Lord’s Prayer at an emotional funeral for a friend’s 51 yr old Mom, who had a massive heart attack…I couldn’t finish the prayer, tears for sorrow, apologizing to God to Jesus for my doubts. Tears blend right in and come easy at a funeral…I said, ah yes… here are my tears…

Then the tears came again this morning – with good therapeutic release…  While getting ready to hit the shower before work, I overheard a video (the preacher was quite the character – bomb-blasting people with scripture trying to convert them… hmm…)…  Well, the video preacher was saying to some heckling doubting Thomas in the audience, that he didn’t agree with that audience members take on the non-existence of Jesus…  “History really did show Jesus was real”… ok .. but then the preacher actually said “You are just making yourself look like an idiot, for ignoring the history.”  WHEW! Maybe some people really do need to hear when they are off-base, BUT, those were NOT Christ-like nonjudgmental words to my ears coming from a preacher!  If that were the reaction to my open questioning (which I shared privately), well my walls would have gone right up, sealing me off from that person.  But thankfully I picked (or was led to) the right people to share my story with.. So now I heard that preacher chastise that doubter, ugh… Oh, the tears… Oh how I felt regret for that interaction – probably made that doubting person even more angry with bigger walls… oh how if I were in that preachers shoes could instead have said: “I know you’re doubting… I know where you’re coming from… I know because I’ve been there…” – or at least I could have said, “let’s talk”.   Being a non-judgmental preacher with a more Christ-like answer would have been better… An urging to that disbeliever to go back and look at the history… consult the scholars…. seek out the answers… don’t do it alone… find people who will help to answer your questions.

I have been blessed these days with some dear friends who have given me non-judgmental support and guidance; this is how I have been able to grow… I reached out so slowly at first but then openly and honestly to 5 people whom I felt could be non-judgmental, who knew me not as a heathen, but understood me as a sincere seeker who didn’t want my heart broken. I also was gifted right now with two Biblical scholars with sincere academic knowledge combined with faith.

My “Supernatural Radio” (another Tom Petty song) has been playing certain music in my car – this music has carried and flowed thru my thoughts, keeping me afloat. All these things have all helped me to continue to grow in my faith… slowly, nourishingly, on a seemingly laid out path paved with love.

The most powerful Christ-like behaviors we can have are to be non-judgmental and to love.

Walls have to come down sometime… oh the blessed therapeutic tears…  they finally came.

——————–

“Walls (circus)” was written by Petty, Tom.  video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfS6Nl962Qg

Some days are diamonds
Some days are rocks

Some doors are open
Some roads are blocked

Sundowns are golden
Then fade away
And if I never do nothing
I’ll get you back some day

‘Cause you got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can’t hold out forever
Even walls fall down

And all around your island
There’s a barricade
It keeps out the danger
It holds in the pain

Sometimes you’re happy
Sometimes you cry
Half of me is ocean
Half of me is sky

But you got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can’t hold out forever
Even walls fall down

Yes they do

And some things are over
Some things go on
And part of me you carry
Part of me is gone

But you got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can’t hold out forever
Even walls fall down

Baby you got a heart so big
Oh you could crush this town
And I can’t hold out forever
Even walls fall down
They fall down

Ah, yes they do
Yes they do
They fall down”

26

Strike, 10 Jan

If God were a bowler, he’s rolling a pretty good game right now. Not a perfect 300 score, but I think he might put in some extra frames on me, just because he can, he’s GOD for God’s sake…not a perfect score because I have successfully blocked many a shot, kept a pin or two standing (hot glued them to the lane), and maybe even fudged the score, which I knew He had actually earned….and yes, I took a couple of fallen pins and snuck them back up to standing position.

See the pins are my disbelief system, and lately God’s been rolling quite a few strikes…loud, smashing, pin-splintering strikes. A spare in there on occasion… but that awe-achieving sound of all the pins dispatched… all SMASHING with such force against the lane walls that even the people and pins in the lanes to my right and left are starting to notice.

Some of my pins were not really standing strong…I do have a tremendous belief in the Almighty Power of God… I know He is the maker, the mover and shaker, and he likes to tweak the system in this sandbox experiment He calls Earth….

And God has such a sense of humor… “God never gives you more then you can handle”, the saying goes… “well thanks God, but haven’t I had enough now?” is what many people probably say when they are in the grips of tragedies, uncertainties, and just plain bad luck. Do you believe in fate? Or is life a pop-up round of game show questions? Do we determine our own fate? I think so… God gives us freedom or does God give us just enough rope to…?…… Well, maybe for some people… but if so, then I see him loosening those ropes, cutting them from time to time, throwing an angel in there for corrective action and yes, rolling strikes in our disbelief systems all the time. Strike and collect the pins… bring you back to Godly ways. Maybe it isn’t rope that God has given me… perhaps it is elastic… let’s see how far you can go before I reel you back in… sew you down and correct your belief system….

So why have I kept some disbelief pins up? Why do I re-rack some of them intentionally or innocently? It is not my intention to taunt God. I just like to know things, I want to bring a checklist to heaven and say: “what about that healing? What about that meteor crashing into earth? What about that flood? How’s your angel count? And could you tell me all the rest of your secrets too?” Did you ever wonder what heaven looks like? The thought that it is seven or more layers…and is there a holding pen for babies who didn’t get baptized? Can you refute or prove those things my sixth grade nun teacher told me?… What is the real answer for those times I had to say “that seems like you are making that up”.?. Imperfect man trying to describe a perfect system… Yeah, I don’t buy it all… my shaken belief in man-made religions.

I accidentally, uninformed-ly, mixed up the terms religious and spiritual leader when introducing a now good friend at a women’s retreat… I get it now… and I am more and more a spiritual being too… lifting away from worldly religious trappings, not forgetting my foundations, but building on them, snapping in new spiritual Lego pieces.

Yes, your belief system has to start somewhere, you can’t learn about God in a vacuum. You need religious rigidity at times to click you in, obligate you, to surround yourself with believers and teachers. I am confident that some who disbelieve in religions still believe in God, because of their religious foundations. I felt compassion for one of my grad school advisors who stood strong against the belief in God. I think he might still be at the gates right now saying “oops”. I pray that God let’s him in anyway… a friend once told me that his religious training as a shaman included a belief that when you die, you have to wrap up loose ends and that is why you shouldn’t be cremated…that your soul is tied to your human body for as long as it takes to repent, repair… not exactly like Jacob Marley in Scrooge… but you might have some fixing up to do.  Whether that is true or not, it behooves us to make our peace with people now on earth, not wait to ask for forgiveness, not wait to repair old relationship rifts, etc… Either way I don’t want to be cremated (and I want balloons at my funeral too)… I will try to repair my rifts now. And I will let those people, who are God-sightings in my own life, know how much I appreciate them, right then and not wait. I will try to hug and kiss my parents and my kids physically or mentally each time I say goodbye just in case I or they meet an untimely death. I will try to live and love in the present.

Back to bowling… I don’t know God’s plan but I know it involves me… I don’t know why, when, where he will strike down disbelief or put up new pins for me to follow, to become pillars in my soul… I don’t know how many frames are in this game, how many more strikes I am going to see… either way, I am sure He will keep trying until He and I can faithfully record a perfect score when it’s my time to meet Him.

25

Emails with my professor, 09JAN
From: “R”   Date: Jan 9
Subject: Re: Fellow alumnus–he is a pastor

The NT canon was not finally established until the 4th century. Yet on the core of it, the gospels, and the letters of Paul, 1 John and 1 Peter, there was pretty much universal agreement by the mid 2nd century. In the 4th C, church was still debating whether Revelation, 2 Peter, and James were canonical, along with the canonicity of, such as the Shepherd of Hermas, 1 Clement, and a few others which ultimately did not make it. But the four gospels were accepted (and the other noncanonical gospels widely rejected) by the mid 2nd C.

 

—–Original Message
Sent: Fri, Jan 9

Holy S#$%!

 

I can’t believe that this fellow alumnus is a pastor (Pastor P) who wrote a 13 page paper that addresses one of my key issues – “how can a perfect book be written by imperfect humans?” … this is right up the alley of R’s sermons and research and right what I am just scratching the surface on – researching to teach this small but significant section in my “timeline of the bible curriculum” …  ok – I am going to say Holy S#$%! once again – excuse the french – but it was the first thing out of my mouth!  haha

 

His paper has an interesting take on the writer Marcion…  and people calling him a heretic – that’s a hot topic later many times – when people like Jan Hus were trying to translate the bible..and was burned at the stake…  People didn’t know who was a heretic and who was not… tough question!!!!!!

 

I am not sure if my journey will take me into all the ins and outs of who and when the new testament was written – I am certainly not looking to be a revisionist historian – but it’s cool to know that there are good discussions/debates for the origins of the bible – when and if I am ready to tackle that…  right now I am going to let sleeping dogs lie and focus on my Christmas merry go round for a little more…

 

but I think I will email this fellow alum anyway to introduce myself and say hi…

 

 

24

New Balance, 08JAN

I knew when I opened a box of my new sneakers this week, that this piece was next to get written. See, I change my sneakers every 6 months for proper support with my orthotics and the wear and tear on my knees.. I buy them two pairs at a time, once a year and instead of 2 pairs of Nike’s this time, I decided to switch up the rotation and try one pair of New Balance, which I had pre-determinedly slated for wearing 6 months in the future –  this week, the first week post Christmas…

Well, most all of my thoughts this week about God have been about finding balance.  I’ve been talking to myself and others about rebalancing my spiritual mind.  I’ve been praying to find balance and discernment between sharing Holy Spirit-given words and the gab from my blarney stone-generated words. I want to share so much about this awakening and yet not look foolish or blasphemous. I want to open when the time is right – to the right people. New Balance is allowing me to find my spiritual voice… the voice I knew I was lacking and that I longed for…a voice to faithfully share God’s Word with others, to share it in truth.

I’ve been really searching for balance for a whole month now…writing and writing, twenty pieces so far from Dec 10th to today Jan 8th, surprising myself – but that is how God chose to provide therapy to me.  How did God know when I bought sneakers over six months ago, planning the rotation for this first week of the year, that I would be rotating in New Balance shoes to match a new spiritual balance? Hmmm…

So I opened that box three days ago and acknowledged that I had been rebalanced – I had a new balance and I now have to step forward… new sneakers and a new mindset. of course I had to take a little time to break them in first – both the sneakers and the mindset.

See, I am sure God put me on this ride –  He didn’t rebalance me by taking off each of my tires,  spinning them fast and readjusting the weights like on a car…  But instead He put me on a Christmas merry-go-round  ride at a steady pace… sure, when you reach over the edges you will feel that you are going faster… and now I find myself reaching out grabbing for the brass ring allot and being determined to keep going around again and again on this Christmas ride… that’s because I am still in Christmas – inside of Christmas – still acknowledging that Jesus was born in me in a new way this year…  Someone at work even told me it was time to take the wreath off my car –  I said “no, it’s still Christmas!” I still play Christmas music, I still have my tree up, I still haven’t finished my Christmas cards…No, I don’t want to get off this merry go round!

I have steadied myself now – finding a way to keep working on normal life projects and still ride the ride (you can do things on a merry-go-round as it can be a very smooth ride but yes, there are ups and downs). Hopefully you choose the right horse – sometimes you’re up – sometimes you’re down – but none the less I keep riding and writing…

I have steadied myself on this merry go round by playing certain music – music has always been a therapy to me – I’ve been playing the same selection of contemporary Christmas carols, plus some philosophical and spiritual music from Sting (Last Ship, Soul Cages, Winters Tale) and a few regular music pieces that speak to me. I’ve been listening to steadying Bible sermons too. I’m trying to keep this ride going.  My favorite lines in the song, “Come to the Cradle” are: “Come and find peace” and “So you are chosen and called out for prayer…” which is exactly what I had to do this past month, this past week because my head was really spinning too fast – I was scared by this intensity (still am a bit scared) and yes, calling out for prayer helped immensely –  I find it has settled me down enough to keep riding and writing.

This week also was Epiphany, and I also called out to two of my most wisemen friends by email… two well-educated, thinker-er, twenty year plus mentors from my past… whom I know have balanced their facts with their faith. Both have been very generous to me with their time and their counseling… most importantly they listened so that I could talk it out and settle the dust in my brain… So it felt so right to reach out to them again, and yes again they helped me reaffirm this new balance of mine. I am so blessed to find the right people at the right time… dust is settling more now. I am getting ready to move forward.

I’ll probably get off this merry go round at some point… you know that I’ve got a few roller coasters to ride this year too… but I know I will return to this chosen Christmas merry go round… why not? It has been the best ride of my life!

Amen.

23

Originally for one new friend then sent again other dear friends on their birthdays:

Rock Age, 07JAN

There are only a few fossils for the abundance of life that existed – and only a few that have made their mark as distinct as these – perhaps the marks we make in life are not going to be permanent etched in stone like these fossils -but they are marks indeed – on the people around us.

When you feel your age – when you are feeling old, remember that you are not old – you are young. The fossils and the rocks are much older than you – an unimaginable number of years old – millions if not billions. You are young in the universe.

If God’s church was made out of a rock of people – an imperfect set of people, then this rock can remind us of how far we have personally come – how hard we are working on our imperfections – how God’s greatest joy is when the prodigal sons and daughters come home – and how far we still have to go. Blessedly, much more time lies ahead of us than was behind us.

From Amazing Grace: “When we’ve been there ten thousand years, Bright shining as the sun, We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise Than when we’d first begun.”

22

07JAN – emails with a dear friend

Debbie –

It is always a journey and it is different for each of us.  I am glad you are finding a way that works for you.

T

From: debbie
Date: Wednesday, January 7
To: T
Subject: Re: Question of faith

oh yes – thanks – it helps immensely – it helps to talk my thoughts out (as you may remember from experience 😉 you gave me wisdom and I knew all those terrible things that happened to you and that helped me put my own thoughts into perspective – and you listened, the greatest gift).

I have been reaching out to other good friends like you who can help me – who are thinkers like me and who get it…. Something (well God of course) has been working inside me for the last year or so to force me to rebalance my knowledge and my faith.  I actually have started writing – it has allowed me to get these thoughts – some so deep – so some light – like a brain download of everything in my head – and after that initial download – I started writing what I am seeing – “God Sightings” is our vacation bible school term – God sightings in my life – and wow – in less than one month I have written 19 pieces…  it’s when God keeps you up at night and says – “now you have time to talk?” . I am also working on a curriculum which I taught twice in sunday school so far – it is a timeline of bible events and also up to current and addresses people who translated the bible – when the printing press was made – when they buried the book of kells – lots of fun activities for the kids and also thought-provoking issues for adults.  I start with Moses on the actual timeline – and of course have noah etc before that for the little kids – but then say “….a long time….” in between.

So – I totally feel this leading into a new balance for me – and a gift of finding my spiritual voice – I have written a piece that talks about my wish for discernment – to know what is the Holy Spirit leading me to say vs my Blarney Stone-generated gift of gab…  I would love to send you some of my writing – if you would like-most everyone has come out so fast that I can’t type fast enough to keep up with my brain- many I had to speak into my email to get them out while driving –  I am sharing them privately only with less than 10 people – they are written for me – to help me process – but this process will hopefully help me help others (other thinkers) find their belief systems…  maybe I will share some pieces publicly at some point – maybe not – what has helped was just writing them…  and I knew I needed to find a spiritual voice in my leadership roles at church (sunday school, running vacation bible school, running our women’s group) – I want to speak from the heart with my brain backing me up  – I know my heart is in it – just have to catchup my brain.

Thanks for being there for me – spiritually and literally – you have no idea how much you helped me out in my grad school days – I am sure I have told you before, many many times…  thanks….

I have found so many friends in my church family who are amazing – they rally for each other – it is truly wonderful and within that group I have found a few sermons from a former youth pastor – who is our contemporary praise band leader – someone who really has been and is moved by the Holy Spirit and who guest preaches from time to time… I got a copy of those sermons (I was rarely in the actual church service even though I am in the building for three hours every Sunday because I am teaching, I am doing whatever… but these CD sermons really spoke to me and I listened in the car to them – and both the true meaningful messages and the spirit-led contemporary music has really steadied me on this path of re-balancing – of new balance.

thanks and thanks for listening

Debbie

On Wed, Jan 7,  at 9:21 AM, T wrote:

Debbie –

Yes, “keep smiling” is something I have used for a long time.  It is particularly meaningful for those who have such a good smile – like you!

21

Wispy, 06JAN

up early leave early
a central New Yorker awakened
wispy white wondrous
snowdrifts dance on the untreated Turnpike
dancing under the direction of the wind
occasionally caught in the imperfections of the road
the Subaru danced me all the way to work

20

06JAN – duplicate heart swelling

I was reading the UMW devotional for this month – I found a duplicate match in this bible verse for my feelings in my Christmas flood piece…

Isaiah 60:5 “Then you will look and be radiant, your heart will throb and swell with joy”

From Christmas Flood: “delineate between your heart bursting with Christmas joy (think Dr Seuss’ Grinch’s heart growing “three sizes that day”)and your head saying ‘slowdown, wait, don’t get swept away with emotion’ ….either way, you need to prepare your fields for rain. today the rain came as glorious snow.

—————

Isaiah 60:1-6 New International Version (NIV)

The Glory of Zion

60 “Arise, shine, for your light has come,
and the glory of the Lord rises upon you.
2 See, darkness covers the earth
and thick darkness is over the peoples,
but the Lord rises upon you
and his glory appears over you.
3 Nations will come to your light,
and kings to the brightness of your dawn.

4 “Lift up your eyes and look about you:
All assemble and come to you;
your sons come from afar,
and your daughters are carried on the hip.
5 Then you will look and be radiant,
your heart will throb and swell with joy;
the wealth on the seas will be brought to you,
to you the riches of the nations will come.
6 Herds of camels will cover your land,
young camels of Midian and Ephah.
And all from Sheba will come,
bearing gold and incense
and proclaiming the praise of the Lord.

19

06JAN duplicate RE words – email with Pastor and a friend

So cool when I saw and read these “re-” words in Pastor’s sermon after I had just written some RE- words too a few days prior….I was thinking about vacation bible school – and thinking about outreach for our church – about how we need to reach out to others to retain them – and we have to continually do that…  repeat….

It’s not just that we do them but that we do them again and again!

REPEAT

———- Forwarded message ———-

From: debbie

Reduce Reuse Recycle
Redisciple
Retrain
Retain
Reach out
Reinforce
Repeat

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Pastor
Date: Tue, Jan 6,  at 9:54 AM
Subject: RE: Sunday’s sermon

Relationship – set apart time beyond the on Sunday to deepen your relationship with God.  Consider what sins are in your life and what Christ would rather have you choose to do.  Be honest with God.

Reverence – have a sincere respect of holy awe for God.

Reliance –  claim God’s covenant and rely upon His promises of giving you His grace and the strength you need to keep your promises.  Trust not in your strength.

Resolve (determine)-  to be faithful.  You have given the Lord your heart, you have opened your mouth to the Lord, and you have dedicated your life to God.  With God’s power, never go back to the old ways.

Renew – your covenant with the Lord.  Humble yourself before Go, lift your hands toward heaven and open your heart to Him and ask Him to fill you to overflowing with His Holy Spirit.

18

Email with a dear friend, 05JAN

On Jan 5, “debbie” wrote:

You know, like you said, people don’t want to be told about what to think about spirituality or religion…they only come to out by their own free will…now there are many seekers like me who appreciate resources, appreciate other’s descriptions of their processes and find God-higher power-a governing spirit. But if the time is not right for them to hear it, or it comes from an unusual source then it may fall on deaf ears, may sound like lecturing, or may even sound blasphemous…it’s all due to your audience….perhaps the best audience for moving someone spiritually is the people you know who trust you and where you are in life and know what you tell them is a gift to you and you want to let them in on a secret that you have had a revelation…

I wrote a piece couple weeks ago about my prayers for my discernment between the Holy Spirit and the Blarney Stone, as I have received both as gifts for communication, I just have to figure out which is coming out of my mouth, which I want to come out when I talk about my spiritual awakening, and which will sound genuine.

Prayers and hugs
Debbie

#17

I can see that this writing was strong mental processing when I jotted down ideas then had to write them out. I had written over the course of nearly one month and this was #17 – wow. I never asked to write these – but felt compelled – a new way of therapy for me and my questions..  16 items written – I printed, folded them and dated them and have them in a now special box – I don’t know what to do with them – but I know what they have done for me – so I am grateful… and I am gladly out of this vacuum – I only shared with a few to start thinking someday maybe I will find the right audience – one piece and one person a time.

An Epiphany, 05JAN

It’s epiphany, the three wise men are coming. It’s AN epiphany and THE epiphany. The three kings – the scholars – the astronomers – they see the star – not just any star – but THE star. History would say it might be a comet, but regardless it was something in the sky that they knew was new, it was different, it was a sign… The wisemen found a star to a new king – finding that king that has been a personal epiphany for many.  But by the time the kings arrived, this baby was perhaps three years old (that’s the trouble with history, we try to force our Hallmark-guided, rigid, mathematical calendars to describe a tremendous amount of unwritten history – that which was passed by word of mouth. We have to remember that if it wasn’t written down then who are we to say what exactly happened and what time it happened…).

I long to be one of the Kings,  well not exactly a king – and not exactly a queen – but I certainly would like to be a wiseman –  a wise woman that is (sometimes I’m even a wiseguy). I try to be very learnered, I try to seek the truth, to understand the science, to get it, to establish why and how. I try to bring the universe into my sphere of understanding.

After bestowing their gifts, the wisemen left the child to return home. An angel came to them, gave advice to return by another route to their homeland, skip King Herod – don’t tell him where the child was –  spare the child’s life. Wise as they were, they probably never saw an angel before… but this angel must have been beyond disbelief. unexplainable by science, divine intervention, the Word of God. Luckily the wise men were wise enough to listen… and traveled home in a new direction.

I wonder… Perhaps I am not wise but just full of factual info – without the wisdom to apply it.  Have I seen the star? maybe… but have I actually followed it? Am I still looking? Perhaps…

Perhaps I have seen the star and perhaps I have followed it.

Perhaps I am just not sure of the way home yet.

Perhaps I am not sure of the direction to take.

Perhaps I am still depending on my learnered state without applying the wisdom and perhaps I want the easy way out and am waiting for an angel to make it clear for me –  to show me the way.

Perhaps I am waiting for an epiphany – a “EUREKA” moment – perhaps I will not get that moment…

Perhaps I am waiting for an angel rather than simply taking in the spirit of Christmas here and now – I know I should not wait for this baby epiphany – but I should take heed of the child before the baby is grown.

Christmas is like an “open enrollment” for Christians – get in while there is a 12 day open window – get in to Christianity while it is easy to love and seek a baby – and there is a big ole star shining your way, you can’t miss it…  Perhaps it is not a problem for many Christians to get “into” Christmas – but perhaps it is harder for them to find their way home afterwards – they are waiting for that angel to tell them their path – when really they need to chart it for themselves.

As much as I want it to happen, it is not going to be an angel who is going to tell me how to act – where to go – or to tell me who to share my new found beliefs with – and who NOT to share them with… just as the wise man had to avoid telling King Herod, who would have done the baby harm, I have to pick and choose who is open to my tale of my spiritual Christmas gift – I have to discern what are the Holy Spirit’s words and what are just leftover words from this Christmas’ flood of emotions…

Yes I/we must discern how we share our faith, those blessings of God’s effects on our lives. we must find the right audience, must find the people who will believe us, who can consider us “genuine”.  We need to find the people who don’t think we’re spouting blasphemy – we need to find the people whom we already have a personal relationship with – and to whom we can connect.  When we are bold enough to speak, we pray the Holy Spirit will gives us the right words for the right audience at the right time.

So – it’s epiphany – its baby Jesus revelation to the world – hoping Christians will stop by, and be wise enough to find their way home with grown up Jesus in their hearts and in their minds. I hope for an epiphany that lasts – for the wisdom of the wise – for the wisdom to take the baby home.

16

Miracle on 34th Street – “I Believe, I Believe, it’s Silly but I Believe”, 04JAN

My favorite movie – not just Christmas movie – but all time movie – is Miracle on 34th Street.  Not the ’70’s version, not the colorized version but the original 1947 version – Edwin Gwynn as Kris Kringle – Maureen O’Hara, Natalie Wood as mom and daughter…  and Fred Gailey the lawyer (John Payne) who was an early believer.  Yes, my favorite movie of all time – ever since I was a teen…

Little Susie says “I believe, I believe, it’s silly but I believe”. She was talking about Santa Claus – but the movie goes much deeper than that – see Santa (Kris Kringle) was looking for belief in people – in everyone who didn’t believe – looking for hope to continue in his line of work – to continue hoping for the world.  Fred was asking Doris (Maureen O’Hara) to believe – to believe in him – to believe in anything – she swore off fairy tales, swore off any belief in what she wasn’t in control of.  she suffered from too much reality check – “should be realistic and completely truthful with our children and not have them growing up believing in a lot of legends and myths” … “And by filling them full of fairy tales they grow up considering life a fantasy instead of a reality.” Fred will work on Doris – Kris Kringle work on Susie too – together they can make this happen – it is a movie after all – together we will see how it all unfolds…

At the pinnacle of the movie – Doris is upset that Fred throws away his career by taking on the seemingly win-less case of proving that Kris Kringle is indeed Santa Claus – the one and only Santa Claus… Fred urges her “Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to. It’s not just Kris that’s on trial. It’s everything he stands for. It’s kindness, joy, love, and all other intangibles.” “Someday, you’re going to find out that your way of facing this realistic world just doesn’t work. And when you do, don’t overlook those lovely intangibles. You’ll discover they’re the only things that are worthwhile.”

Fast forward to Doris trying to reassure Susie that Mr Kringle will be ok – Doris is not sure she yet believes what she is telling her daughter – but Doris tells little Susie that she has to have faith – Doris even adds to Susie’s letter that “I believe in you too” – win – Kris Kringle gets the letter and all the other dead letters at the post office and Fred wins the case – Kris is recognized by the federal government to be the “One and Only Santa Claus” – WIN!

Susie has asked Mr Kringle for something big – bigger than a normal present – she asks for a house – one of those Long Island cape cod’s – similar to the suburb house that I live in today  quaint, quiet and family friendly… Susie expects Mr Kringle to deliver – big time – expects a miracle – expects that snap and she will have this house – puts it as a test to him…  No – she doesn’t get it at the Christmas morning party – Doris has to say – “You must believe in Mr. Kringle and keep right on doing it. You must have faith in him.” … “you’ve still got to believe in people. I found that out.”

“I believe. I believe. It’s silly but I believe” – Kris has orchestrated a car ride home with Fred – down a quaint quiet street – in a family neighborhood. “I believe. I believe. It’s silly but I believe” – Susie repeats and repeats – and then – oh snap! there it is – the house – on a quaint and quiet street – the perfect house – it’s for sale – it’s unlocked – with a swing in the back – WIN.

Fred learns from Susie that Doris told her “Mommy said if things don’t turn out right at first, you’ve still got to believe. You were right Mommy!”  – WIN – Doris to Fred “I never really doubted you. It was just my silly common sense.” WIN – BIG WIN. Kiss – realization that believing is seeing – believing came first – then seeing Kris Kringle’s cane in the house – hmmm….

Believe – it was and is that belief has to be there first – the rest follows – you have to believe  – to have faith when common sense tells you not to…  BELIEVE

15

God made me a thinker-er, 02 Jan

God made me a thinker-er.
I am not content at being.
God made me a do-er.
God made me a philosopher.
God made me a thinker-er.

I am not a doubter of God,
But a doubter of man,
Of man made realities,
Of twisted truths.

I am not a doubter who brushes aside the question at hand, “forget about that nonsense”.
No, I am a thinker-er. I am a tinkerer. I toy with ideas; I let them take root in my mind.

I am a teacher, a tinkerer who explores ways to teach, to expand concepts, to keep an open mind, to teach an open mind.

I am not just a thinker, I am a thinker-er, a rehash-er, a process-er. Its just who I am, It’s who God made me to be.

Now I have to think about why. Why can’t I just accept – hook, line and sinker.
God made me just the way I am, a thinker-er.
God gives me a purpose,
To teach the other thinker-ers and help them find God too.

God made me a thinker-er.
God made me.

 

14

Dec 31,
Ok, this one goes in the hallmark card category, not a deep piece, but I am sending it to you anyway… I didn’t intend to write anymore for now, but this popped out after last night’s good night sleep.

Christmas Bug, 31Dec

I caught a bug this Christmas
But NOT the viral kind
I caught a bug this Christmas
Of a LIGHT that always shines.

I assembled a manger scene,
one in my mind,
Filled with friends that fit the bill, of every shape and kind.

Here is my Joseph, adoptive loving Dad
who took pause, raised a very fine lad

Here is my Mary, labored a king.
but she will lose Him come 33 spring.

Angels came excitedly from all around,
flutteringly exclaiming: “go to the baby, He must be found”

Shepherds watched by night
And all day…they saw the LIGHT.

Kings, scholars all brought him gifts
Broken families healed their rifts.

Here came a woman sick with fear
A comfort healing we pray is near.

In my manger, my friends are near
So many I hold so dear.

Praying for such pain relief
Praying for superhero eternal peace.

That manger scene now moves on
Discipled masses soon caught on.

Temple scholars would find pause,
a young Savior tests His cause.

The fish, the loaves, water into wine.
fishing for men time after time.

Healing, teaching, demons quiver,
Sinners schooled – they’ve found favor.

So later came the mobs,
the mobs who tore him down,
Tried to rob him of his holy crown.

“Crucify him” they all would cry
Scoff at him, beat him
And watch him die.

Dark clouds overhead
A worldly dread.

How could they know
His death a GIFT.
A rainbow PROMISE fulfilled,
An Easter people thrilled.

That God gave his only Son,
so our sins would be undone.

Some praise Him, some shun Him, some cast him out
some witnesses still have doubt.

Disappearing sickness and strife, heaven-bound hearts set free…
But still we doubt,
we cannot see.

We ask, we pray – we wonder “Is He for me?”

13

Tuesday, December 30
Subject: God of Matter – The Holy Spirit, The Blarney Stone, and my namesake – the Song of Bernadette

again the glue finally came for this piece – this one took more industrial strength glue – and I had to set it down twice to set up  – but I knew I needed to finish it and send it off – I want to return to my “regularly scheduled programs” return to this new post-Christmas/pre-VBS state…get onto Girl Scout cookie season – and oh yes – regular sleep patterns, LOL – was my own fault for crashing at 7pm and turning in for the night – 4 hours of the most restful sleep – but up at midnight –  2am now and WIDE awake – luckily I only have a small chunk to finish – the piece of the Holy Spirit vs. the Blarney Stone….that piece can stand on its own  and I may send that to you separately….  and I have tomorrow off – so I don’t feel guilty for wrapping this up at this “Godly” hour… I am telling myself that this is the last writing for a while – I have a few more titles written down – but I want to let myself take a break.
God of Matter – The Holy Spirit, The Blarney Stone, and my namesake – the Song of Bernadette, 30DEC

 

Everything that matters in life is made of matter. Three parts: gas liquid solid, plus plasma too! All that matters comes from God. God was there at the Big Bang. God is the end all and be all. God got the ball rolling and exists to this day.

God as matter is un-definable and yet we as human are drawn to pigeon hole everything we see – we back God into a corner – we fail to understand that all things are possible – the scripture: “All things are possible for one who believes.”  – the colloquialism that I misquote would be: “if you believe in God nothing needs explanation- if you don’t believe in God – no explanation would suffice”

If God existed as the plasma state – then this state that started the big bang – the state before all other phases – the Greek word plasma stands for “anything formed”.  the quark-gluon plasma state is thought to have existed immediately after the Big Bang.  It is not a contradiction to have the Big Bang and God – I refute how the atheists would put it: “on the first day man created God and it was not good”. God is good and not to be pigeon holed –  those who shun the existence of evolution fail to see the goodness of God in an amazing flexible design that was either planned out or allowed to exist – that life was and is allowed to evolve – that it was and is allowed to play out and continue to play out on earth. If earth is God’s sandbox of the universe and that predates our understanding and OUR existence then who are WE to say that the beginnings of life can’t have the co-existence of simplicity and complexity. It’s not just the fossil record, the complexity of the genetic codes within every living creature but current daily alterations in the genetic makeup of our living beings that prove that God is so complex.  Evolution is not something that happened long ago – it is a continuous non-stop process – it has just played out over billions of years and continues every day. We cannot even hope to grasp the concept of billions of years – just as we cannot and should not pigeon hole what and who God is.

States of Matter – Yes we do try to break God as a whole down into parts – to help US explain what we see – and yet this is probably the wrong way to approach God – but sometimes it helps US to split of God into parts that we understand.

If God could be defined like we define matter – then one of these multiple phases would be the solid phase… This phase is also called God – but its “our God” – God in what we see, interpret…our personal internal TV or tablet screen – our interpretation – what we bring to the table – ourselves lighted by the non-extinguishable light.  often god is dimmed in people who shun this lights existence – covered by baggage – covered by deliberate cloths thrown over the light…  but God IS.  who and how we see God as solid – our teachings – our interactions – our delivery of our own making… What about those leprechauns and angels and ghosts – do they exist?  are they transitional states of matter? do they fill in the gaps that we don’t understand?  Do you believe in angels? Do you believe in miracles? I do.

I am not exactly my confirmation namesake, Bernadette Soubirous, who was canonized for her vision of the blessed virgin Mary – Our Lady of Lourdes in France..  I certainly loved the movie “the Song of Bernadette” and maybe I would have loved to be her  – to see a vision – to be the miracle – but I am not her, as she didn’t ask for these visions – she didn’t ask to be a vehicle for the masses to come closer to God. The peasant girl is portrayed in the movie as an uneducated sweet simple girl – one who never asked for the visions – one who suffered a great deal of pain quietly – one who died early never failing her belief in the vision. She didn’t know what she saw – but she knew most definitely saw this beautiful woman. this is the form that showed up on her TV screen in her mind.

No I am not her – she didn’t call out for this vision of the beautiful woman – I on the other hand have been on a recent quest to find meaning to the miracles I see – the small and the big – the ordinary and the unexplained. Are they miracles or every day coincidences – or is everyday a miracle? “So you were chosen and called out for prayer” – the movie Bernadette didn’t call out for prayer – she just was forced to share this vision because she didn’t know why the others didn’t see her too…  I am thankful for the miracles I have seen – and I feel I have seen many (those  brought on by good science, doctors who heal the critically ill, and the unexpected God-sightings which occur when you wake up and watch God all around us – and oh, that time I didn’t smash into that Fed Ex truck head on when I was texting while driving – thank you God for my life…got to see it real fast before my eyes that day). So are these visions? are they like those that Bernadette’s woman asked her to share with the world? Or are these everyday miracles that are shared with us? Because we all have them – they are shared with us when we “tune in” our internal TV screens…

I appreciated our pastor’s sermon message last sunday – that there are gaps in the bible – where we don’t know what Jesus was like between birth and 12 years, between 12 years and 30 –  and it was good to hear that – the gaps could be there intentionally – that we don’t really need to know… and that we need to focus on the other parts. I remarked to three different people that I enjoyed the message and I got three different interpretations – none of which were my own – everyone has their own TV screen – their own intake and processing – their own spin on God.

So – I am ignorant on much of the scholarly interpretations of the bible – essentially I am like Bernadette of the movie – in that I don’t know most of my catechism – and what I have learned affects what comes up on my internal TV screen. But one does not need catechism to know God –  I know God – and I see God in ways not written down.

—–

God as liquid would be Jesus – perhaps we are a desert – we cannot conceive of the life giving water that is so dried up and nonexistent in parts of the world and parts of our lives – this is a working piece and this piece of my state of matter is more dry than I would like.  probably too dry for many people – I can’t write fully about that living water yet – I know the stories  – maybe someday I will be able to fill this section out more with my personal experiences with Jesus….I think it is most difficult for me because I am hung up on small details – I will get there I pray – but this may take a whole lifetime.

—–

God as a gas would most totally be the Holy Spirit – I so 100% believe in the Holy Spirit – this is an easy one! Oh… but to know what is comes from the Holy Spirit and what does not – that is the problem…

What is the Holy Spirit?  Does it predate consciousness? What is the consciousness that dwells in us and allows us to transcend human physiology – why do we think? – Why do we communicate in the way we do?

Is the Holy Spirit flames, wind and power – is it the ability to speak in different languages – to speak in the native tongues of the masses – or is it the ability to speak to one person at a time?

Why do I want the Holy Spirit – or why do I want to understand whether it is the holy spirit is guiding me and when it is not just the Blarney Stone’s gift of gab…

I have kissed the Blarney Stone – kissed it twice actually – I needed a refresher kiss after using up all my first spell of blarney in graduate school…  this second dose of blarney has served me well – I do have the gift of gab – I love to talk – I notice when people listen – I hope I don’t overtalk – I then remember my shyness as a child and wonder if I am trying to make up for it now….  one old friend of my parents remarked when I was young at how fast I spoke – and they said – it was probably because my father spoke so much that I had to rush to get a word in edgewise….  my family is full of big talkers – big personalities –  we love life and love people – and want to share in all things exciting.

But the Blarney Stone and the Holy Spirit – they don’t always mix well… blarney gives a speech of boastfulness, of animation and engagement…  the Holy Spirit has to keep it real – has to inspire on a personal level – has to find the right timing for the right words…  the holy spirit is what I want…

It has never been so evident for me when the holy spirit has led my words – versus when it is just me that is trying to fill dead air time – only certain people have been privy to my private conversations with God – I don’t know why just some and not others – I know that my mind has decided who to trust – I have gone out on a ledge a couple of times – testing the waters and found – nope – time to hold you tongue…  its not like people want to hear me – its not like I want to hear the intimate conversations of others  between them and God – but I do want people to know that I do have these conversations –

The Blarney Stone and the fire in my soul will serve me well for my life – has helped me be a leader – has helped me rally the troops – but my Holy Spirit connection impacts people when I speak from the heart – when I quiet down – and share a small secret from my soul…

I don’t know if you could call it a miracle but certainly I appreciate when something falls into my hands at the right place at the same time – like two days ago when I pulled a loose piece of paper out of my purse – one that must have landed there sometime in the last few days spent at church – a paper that was not mine and I have no reason to own except I was probably cleaning something up and grabbed it to recycle it .. this paper was about the holy spirit.  I have mediated on the meaning of the holy spirit for the last month or more –  and only one day prior to accidentally finding that piece of paper I had already written the partial title of this piece – the blarney stone and the holy spirit… coincidence? God sighting? freaky!  let’s just call it god-incidence…

This except from a book chapter  titled “Forgotten God”; “Real Relationship” by Francis Chan, page 110-11, a xeroxed page hand marked up on oct 26  (my cousin’s birthday…my special cousin who had made me a cross necklace this year – God probably told him I needed help in that area). This paper was probably for a bible study – but I think I found it in a pew or in the choir loft…I had never heard of the author – but now see from the web that he has youtube videos and is about my age….

“Part of His [Christ’s] answer to how we are to have peace and be comforted is through the provision of the Holy Spirit, the other Counselor, who He promised would come once He left.” … in the xerox copy the words “the other Counselor” are squiggle underlined – someone really got some meaning out of this part.

“It makes sense that Jesus would say it’s to our advantage to have the ‘other counselor.’ After all, Jesus merely walked beside the disciples the Spirit would actually enter their human bodies. (John 14:17)” … the word “merely” was circled.

“The Spirit of God is in you; that is why Jesus said it was better for Him to go and the Sprint to come. Don’t walk away from this. Delve into it and let it impact you deeply, first internally and then outwardly.”

 

Boom – if God were bowling, I heard a strike in my head !

Those lines:   “Jesus said it was better for Him to go and the Spirit to come”  – “Jesus suffered a grueling death so that I could have the amazing gift of the Holy Spirit. How dare I take that for granted.”

….There is it – I closed my circle of matter – Holy Spirit (GOD) at the beginning predating the Big Bang – Jesus in the middle – Holy Spirit (GOD) here now.

….Don’t pigeon hole God anymore …

I am trying not to worry what form of matter He takes – that is really what matters.

Enjoy Every Sandwich, 29 Dec –

email me for this one – it is very private but a very good writing  – debbieupperchristmaseaster@gmail.com

11

Dec 27^th

Had a great party tonight – now I am sitting quietly by the Christmas tree – in just the glow of the lights, and this time the moon is present, sinking so quickly in the bright clear sky. Here is a piece that came together easily tonight – I had written most of it in two parts in my head – for years – but I knew they always went together – just found the right glue tonight….

Fathers, Coffee, Journeys, and Soul Cages, Dec 27th

Fathers – my father is great – only a few pieces of advice that I didn’t take and follow in life – the rest I took in – listened and then decided whether it was pertinent or not to my situation – but best piece of advice was something like this: “no matter what a person does or has achieved – the worth of a person can be measured by whether you can sit down with them and have a cup of coffee” – meaning they were worth something to the world if they were someone you could talk to – one on one – someone who was real and someone who took the time and listened. My father has met millionaires and poor folk – Carl Sagan (not impressed) and the Dali Lama (impressed) and countless normal everyday folks through his service club and work and Boy Scouts and life.  Doesn’t matter who you are – none of that counts – unless you can sit down and have a cup of coffee with someone.

He met Princess Fergie of England one while we were in Niagara Falls – he called out “How’s the water?” she said it would cool you off! (impressed – a real person in an unreal situation that then was played out on TV). Bet he would have loved to have a cup of coffee with her – to listen to her story and her issues…

I don’t like drinking coffee but  I like the concept of coffee – of sitting down to have a chat – I don’t get to do that much – but I try to clear other things off my plate to do that once in a while…can I be my father?  I am like my mother and busy busy busy – and get things done – I need to be more like my father and take the time – the important time to talk.

Our fathers are there to protect us and give us advice – the ones we need to hear from to dispel the vast amounts of knowledge we need to proceed through this journey of life…  Unfortunately for some others their fathers (and probably many men) are stuck in what one of my favorite musical artists, Sting, wrote about in “Soul Cages”…Sting was dealing with his own father and his rebellious drive to leave his town and his existence and start a new separate journey… Later Sting wrote a follow up album and musical, the Last Ship, again dealing with these “Soul Cages “in the journey of life.

Maya Angelo, one of my favorite writers, penned “I know why the caged bird sings”. I am not a reader but after you read her book – there are probably few other authors that could compare –  in content, meaning – and that you could take to heart. Her journey was long and hard – anguish and joy – more life and experiences than we will ever journey through ourselves… she wrote it in the year I was born – a harsh life that caused her to write – caused her to seek release of her torments.  The book itself is a coming of age story and deals with subjects that are not easy to speak of – and as a teen reading the book, it is filled with all those taboo subjects that you don’t get to experience because your life is so smooth sailing compared with hers… I was shocked that this would be required reading — brave of my school district in the early ’80’s to make us read such worldly books like this and Albert Camus’ “The Stranger”, and George Orwell’s 1984. oh so eye-opening in so many ways.

Another Maya Angelo book – “Wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now” is a fitting title in that she wouldn’t have been such a strong woman (late in life) with a strong message of the importance of your life’s journey – if she didn’t struggle so much.   This book, by Maya Angelo, was in front of the one I was looking for – I felt obligated to take it off the shelf and so I opened randomly right up to an essay about exactly what I was feeling at that moment I was looking for the other book…  (that’s another essay later that I might write). that essay talked of one of the most important journeys in life.

Journeys – Soul Cages –

Sting, has been on a journey recently – he has written a Broadway musical that deals with lost relationships – especially with his own father – it deals with death and with coming to terms with loss.  “The Last Ship” is a follow-up to his “Soul Cages” album – it follows the return of a son who leaves his father and dying shipyard industry…turning his back on not only the lifeblood of the town but a woman who unknowingly will bear his child. it deals with a mother’s angst, and a woman’s choice of whom she will love, a son who finally meets his biological father – but acknowledges his adoptive dad is his “real father”, and lastly it deals with death – when the last ship sails, so to speak. I had the pleasure of seeing this musical recently with a dear friend. (songs from it at https://youtu.be/TbMY9lf58FA)

Sting writes in “The Last Ship”:    “when the last ship sails… whatever it was that you come to be here… it’s the sum of your hopes your despairs and your fears…whatever you promised whatever you’ve done and whatever the station in life you’ve become… in the name of the Father and the name of the Son… and whatever the weave of this life you have spun… on the earth or in heaven or under the Sun… when the last ship sails….”

“Soul cages” refer to the forced or deliberate caging – blocking – your own soul.

“I know why the caged bird sings” and “Soul Cages” were always linked to me – two artists – convergent evolution or just a common theme because of a common life condition – keeping your soul in a cage…

Sting writes in “The Language of Birds” :

“Your old man had a cage for his pigeons,

But that’s really where he kept his soul,

And when he watched them fly he would see himself,

Least that’s how it was told.

 

“But his soul was still trapped in the cage son,

While the birds they soared to the sky,

But he couldn’t find his own way out,

Least not ’til the day he died.

 

“Oh, a man builds a cage with the tools he is given,

His casket is sealed with a riveter’s gun,

This solitary madness is where he is driven,

It was him who was trapped in the soul cage son,

It was him that was trapped in the soul cage.

 

I know that he loved you, but he hadn’t the words,

He’d be easier speaking the language of birds,

For to speak of emotion, it just wasn’t done,

It was him who was trapped in the soul cage son,

It was him that was trapped in the soul cage.”

———

It’s a set of albums (Soul cages, and the Last Ship) I would recommend to anyone trying to deal with their own thoughts of their fathers – as well as a seeing the musical in person. Sounds somewhat silly, as I don’t know Sting personally, but I am very proud of Sting for coming to terms with his father and his relationship and his roots – for returning to appreciate all that was there – even though he saw and escaped his father’s world as a dead end world – dead man’s boots.

It is hard when we don’t allow people “to speak of emotions, it just wasn’t done” – especially men and fathers – and sons…  Women speak of emotions ALL THE TIME. We – or at least I – sort out our emotions by talking – this writing is a way to get it out without being considered “over-emotional”.  The hardest thing to see is when a man or a woman is robust- full of life –  and then hits a bad stretch – those who are emotionally stuck – too many soul cages – not enough keys to open the doors – not enough freedom to speak…  Many at the end of their lives would probably be proud to say “Wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now” – and yet the soul cage is built and locked and many don’t let themselves to workout all the emotional details along the way – it’s the journey of life –

 

Life is a journey – not a destination….

Stop, sit down, and have a cup of coffee with someone.

10 (an email chain that cracked open my understanding of the bible not as a “telephone game” hand me down of stories – email timeline are from the bottom up)

Got Myself a Professor! 26DEC

Oooo! I reached out a little, and landed myself a professor!!!….wow wow wow!!!!

I really didn’t know any of this attribution of the Bible, truly thought it was 100 AD, not 35-65 years after death…. well they should hand this info out! I can’t wait to get into the scholars debates!

Ran into him via Facebook when our friend started that church closed Facebook group (she is an angel who brings her own glitter)…and then again at the living nativity where I got to borrow his cutest baby (sweetest baby I wrote about in my three babies piece)…His Mom  and I are really good friends so I know him just a little, but now I really want to know him!!!  I had sent my “Christmas flood” piece, but none of the others. I am so excited…I will trade free babysitting for free education!

Wow.

———- Forwarded message ———-
Date: Dec 25,

Good question about the gospels- and one that I am equipped to answer! Every Christian should know this stuff.

In the first place, the gospels are technically anonymous- nowhere in the gospels does it say, “I Matthew, wrote this stuff down.” The gospels don’t identify their authors by name. Nevertheless we’re not completely in the dark about their identities- and in fact, it is the writers’ identities which is part of what makes the gospels credible and trustworthy as accounts of what really happened during Jesus’ life and how God was at work in it all.

There are both internal clues and external testimonies to the gospels’ authorship. First, Matthew and Mark don’t give us much to go on internally- within the text of the gospels themselves. But Luke and John do. We know from the introduction that the same person who wrote the gospel of Luke also wrote Acts (e.g. they are both addressed to somebody named “Theophilus”, and Acts 1 refers to a “former book,” clearly indicating the gospel of Luke). And if you look at the second half of the book of Acts, the narrative suddenly shifts from 3rd person to 1st person plural- from “he” and “they” to “we,” see especially chapter 20, where it begins suddenly. That indicates that at some point, the author had joined Paul on his missionary journeys. So the author of Luke was someone who knew Paul and presumably other apostles and eyewitnesses personally, though he himself was not an eyewitness of the life of Jesus. As he says in the intro to Luke in chapter 1, he carefully investigated and spoke to those who were eyewitnesses to make sure he got his facts right.

In John’s gospel, we actually see a direct attribution of authorship or sourceship to an individual called “the disciple whom Jesus loved.” See John 21:24. So even if the final text of the gospel was redacted to some degree, the core and bulk of the gospel of John was written by this “disciple whom Jesus loved,” whom early Christian testimony is unanimous in identifying with the apostle John.

Another point I should stress- even though the text of the gospels themselves are anonymous, every single early manuscript of the canonical gospels that has survived to this day bears in superscription the name of one of the four evangelists- Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John. Likewise, no early Christian author whose writings have survived to this day EVER attributes the four canonical gospels to anyone other than those who we now identify them with. This means that the four gospels that are in the New Testament were all either written by one of the eyewitnesses to Jesus’ life and resurrection, or else someone who was intimately acquainted with those eyewitnesses. The core of Matthew’s gospel (the teachings of Jesus) was probably written down by Matthew the apostle. Mark’s gospel was written by John Mark, a protégé of Paul and an intimate acquaintance of Peter. Luke was written by Luke the “beloved physician” (Col. 4:14; 2 Tim 4:11), and John was written by Jesus’ disciple John, the brother of James.

And the timing is important too. Most biblical scholars, even skeptical ones, say that Mark was the first to be written, between 65 and 70 (or only 35-40 years after Jesus’ crucifixion). Matthew was written (using Mark as one of its sources) around 80-85. Ditto for Luke’s gospel. John was written sometime after 90 or so, when John was an old man, living in Ephesus. So NONE of the four NT gospels was written 100 years after Jesus. Rather they were written between 30 and 60-65 years- well within the lifetime of the first generation of eyewitnesses, by leaders who were either eyewitnesses themselves, OR disciples of the eyewitnesses.

—–Original Message—–

Sent: Thu, Dec 25,  10:19 pm

so – I have been building this curriculum for sunday school – it stems from a “how the bible came to be” packet – which talks about the care that was taken in preparing and preserving the bible. I teach the science portion of the sunday school classes (science, crafts, cooking, music, stories…) – really I get to make a good messy fun activity that teaches some science – but looks at the bible story in a different way than crafts, for example…  I teach the crafts and the cooking too – but the kids LOVE the science lessons…

so – I have been developing and taught a few times a curriculum on walking thru the timeline of the bible – I have always been intriqued by history and certainly have always questioned the different translations of the bible…  we walk 100 year increments – stopping along the way to highlight either bible stories or historical events, like the invention of the printing press…  I had the kids make their own dead sea scrolls, make illuminated manuscripts and then we buried them in mud outside like the book of Kells (yeah – we got the water and the gardening tools out to do this)

so – I have a gazillion questions – and certainly this will be a lifelong journey for me to figure it all out for myself in the brief spare moments I have to investigate…  so one of the big questions for the new testament – who actually wrote down these mathew mark luke and john chapters and why did they not write them down for 100 years?  where is the historical knowledge for this early aspect of the christian church?  just one of the many questions I have…

thanks and I will chat with you soon I hope – I will breeze through that great “light reading” you sent – you are so lucky that you fit it in one file –

take care and Merry Christmas

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On Wed, Dec 24, 2014 at 1:34 PM, xxx wrote:

Sure – I’m a resource guy for the church. I’m good at teaching and answering faith questions about the bible, theology, or church history. Let me know how I can help!

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Sent: Tue, Dec 23,  10:00 pm

so can I send you some of my other writings ? since they are coming out of my head fast and furiously…  I think God is telling me to dump my brain and fill it with other thoughts… I’ve only shared these writings with a couple people, but since you are more distant than the rest of my church family, perhaps you’ll be able to keep the confidentiality of my writings as well??? the devotional pieces are open for sharing, but the personal pieces are between me and God…and I need non-judgmental discussions to help me process… the writing is helping so much.
but I also need to do more research, consult the scholars like yourself, for my logistical questions about the Bible. I also have been preparing a Bible timeline curriculum for Sunday school and United Methodist Women… all this to do before I dive into vacation Bible School…

thanks

 

 

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Christmas Decompression, 25DEC – an email letter to that first trusted friend…

I am starting to decompress from this whirlwind month/year. But I am not planning to scale back my journey – it has just begun. I have so much work to do figuring out where the Lord is leading me…I really am looking forward when we can sit down for a solid chunk of time to talk.

I have been wondering if this recent flood of Christmas spiritual gifts will continue. You asked on Tuesday – “what is going on with you?” and yeah – there is something so unmistakably real going on with me…  Once I dumped my diatribe of issues down and later shared them with you – the flood gate waters opened in my parched desert and wow… my heart overloaded, overflowed, I got Christmas coming out all over!   It almost wants me to forget about those nagging questions and just go with it hook line and sinker… almost… but I am still wanting to catch my brain up – I am wanting to research – to consult the biblical scholars – I don’t know where this will take me…  or maybe I will never figure it out – but my heart is so filled with the spirit that never in my life have I ever felt so ready to accept/justify/believe what the Lord is showing me is truth.

As much as I am ready – I have to say though that today’s God sighting was unexpected…  I opened a gift from my cousin (he and I share our birthdays one day apart in the same year – he always picks out or makes the most amazing gift for me – he is the one who puts the most effort into my gift every year.  we have a super special bond and I always love his gift)…  and today I opened his present – and wow – I have attached a photo – this beautiful cross necklace and matching earrings that he made specially with me in mind…  my heart skipped a beat because he wouldn’t have known about my recent journey (I have told only five or six trusted souls I have had a flood of spiritual growth – without telling even them what the spiritual growth was/is) … my heart skipped a beat because I don’t yet feel worthy to wear this in all truth and spirit – I want to be – I so so want to be, more than anything – but not yet, I am still journeying – I am still too questioning – ugh – I’ve never been so ready and yet – I have my work cut out for me – actually I should say that God has His work cut out for Himself with me…  please pray me some luck…whether it is a sign or not – I take it as a sign that God is pushing me harder than ever…

That said – I do have a tremendous blessing coming – I am ready to open that VBS shipment in the next week – I guess there is no need to worry about the Christmas let down – a blessing in a box is waiting for me!

Thanks for listening – allowing my mind to speak confidentially while setting it down on “paper”. I have so slowly found been given the right words to share what is on my heart about my spiritual journey… you think it is funny that I am questioning Jesus but believe 99.44% in the holy spirit?  hmmm….

I sat with one of our mutual friends and I was wondering if the words would come that time – but they didn’t -and I knew that my journey was/is still too private to share with most of the world. It’s actually easier to tell strangers than those closest to me.  I have found it easier and easier to open up and share – and I pray that I will eventually be able to share my revelations in real, meaningful ways and I will not off-handedly want to blast them to the world…there is no eureka here and why should there be – everyone’s path is uniquely their own.  I found, with the exception of Sunday school, that my words have come in short private one-on-one conversations. Maybe that is why God is having me write this journey down…

 

#8

Midnight God Sighting Reflections,  Dec 24^th– 25^th

I got Santa to pause to sit down for a cup of tea after the gifts were placed under the tree – I appreciate this year – I appreciate the time now to sit and have a cup of tea and bask in the glow from the lighted tree – an undecorated tree – but lighted – and so fragrant and soothing. It’s almost midnight now – all is still and quiet – I am going to work hard this next year to keep this Christmas spirit alive in me all year round.

I did the most important things at Christmas – but not all the things you normally want to do…  the tree is up but barely ten ornaments?  I did hang one this year – one of my kids together as babes in arms – really that is the only ornament I need to hang on my tree – they ARE my life – my tree is rooted in loving family and I never want my kids to forget how much their family loves them and how much I love them.

My God sightings for today are a selection of miracles – earthy miracles that I have witnessed with my own eyes:

1)  I delivered a poinsettia to a woman who has been battling an incurable disease – on her second liver and no one is more of a fighter than her.  Today when I brought the plant to her and her family, she was cleaning her oven…  last time a similar situation, I visited her one week out of the hospital with doctors baffled at her recovery off her deathbed – after a moving prayer service for her – well, I visited her and when I recounted her condition later to friends, they gravely asked “how is she?” – I said: “she’s doing laundry!!!”… up and kicking…  laundry, cleaning the oven – preparing Christmas dinner for a family who needs her so much…she is my hero…

2) I sat right behind another medical miracle in church today – a survivor of a rare heart surgery – only very few have had it done – his whole family was together for Christmas – pure, pure joy to see them all together!

3) I sat near another miracle near me in the church service – a young man who survived a life-threatening infection just months earlier – such a scary time for his family. Today, the joy of seeing him – a miracle.

4) Another miracle at the living nativity – I met a young man recovered from a terrible accident… a man on “Bonus time” as he puts it.

There were likely so many other miracles right around me that didn’t occur to me to notice today – miracles so commonplace that we forget they are miracles, but they are…

I so appreciate the miracle of laughter and love – the bonding in families and in our church families. we are truly blessed in how we feel so much a part of THE family – especially this time of year when we see so many friends. I even had real sit down conversations with some great friends over the last few days – that feels like a miracle – to pause and talk.    I so appreciated the hugs – I must have had at least 25 tonight alone – plus the hugs from the whole week – I had hugs at work – hugs at church – hugs with friends – hugs at home.  If a picture can speak a thousand words, then a hug – placed at the right time can speak a thousand pictures – that’s a million words. Hugs of hello – hugs of love – hugs of understanding – hugs of sorrow – hugs of good bye…

Reflect on the miracles, reflect on the hugs. Then be ready to see some more – because God is good ALL YEAR…

Thanks for allowing me to share my God sightings and I am sending a virtual hug to you all!

Merry Christmas.

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Christmas Eve Labor, 24Dec

 

It’s Christmas Eve, what was Mary doing? Ah yeah, she was in labor… I am sure her pain was less then my labor pain,  I hope it was. Yes, her unfathomable pain came later, knowing the pain that her son would have to endure during his life and the pain at the end. His public display of physical and emotional pain, no question it caused her the most emotional pain anyone  – and any mother – could have. Watching your own son tortured and crucified…none of us can even imagine her pain.

Labor pain – that I can understand – I did have two babies…and vividly remember the labors. The pain in labor is anticipatory, starts so subtle, becomes more regular, more intense…you know it’s coming, you brace yourself. The labor pain for my son, my second child, blocked out any emotions and as I writhed in agony in the car at 5am, I never gave my first born a kiss goodbye as she was being dropped off at a friend’s house. Oh, how I regretted that when I was being wheeled into an emergency c-section… Oh my agony that I might die here on this table, and I hadn’t given her a kiss goodbye. Emotional agony worse than labor pain. Ten years later, I try to never forget to give her or my son a hug goodbye. The power of love transcends all pain.

I had the blessing in the last three days to have God place three babies in my care, physically or emotionally…but really God was placing the trust of the parents in my care…awaking me to ease their pain…not labor pain, but emotional stress… The first baby was a toddler, cute but wriggly, totally in the need of entertainment during church… a baby of a friend of a friend…used my cute red dangly earrings, got to play ‘dropsies’, smart baby… waited for someone to pick it up…the gift of this baby was the joy of seeing everyone laugh. The gift of this baby was holding her at our church praise service during  the Michael Card song ‘Come to the cradle, come and find peace’ – the coincidence was not lost on me… I’ve been trying to find peace with this Christmas baby for quite a while now. This was a wiggly baby, so my entertainment value lasted only a short time, but it was a special time.

Next day another baby, but saddest of all, a baby who was struggling for life before it barely even breathed into her. I only knew the baby from her Facebook support page but she was a local, and friend of a friend. This little baby fought and fought, but a heart defect and tremendous medical issues finally took their toll. The doctors did everything I am sure. the emotional prayers that flooded to their Facebook page over 12,000 people subscribed, I hope someday they will get to read all of those posts, know they weren’t alone. I think emotional pain can be so much greater than physical pain even during labor. the grief the unreal how do you move forward. My only comfort, which I offered as a media post was the ‘Emmet Otter Christmas’ song “when the river meets the sea”…’while our mind is full of questions but our hearts will understand…’ speaks to when we pass…we will still be filled with questions… I don’t know why this baby and these parents had to go through their grief, I don’t know how they’ll get over it. 12000 Facebook followers… I pray for their support to be there for years and years and years. Right now 12,000 share their own grief, reliving their own losses, over this quandary of ‘ the Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away’…

The Lord shared a third baby in three days just last night to take care of… 3 days in a row – not surprising as I feel the Lord leading me… selective pressure, just like scientific experiments of bacteria on antibiotic plates, keeping the cells from deleting their antibiotic resistance genes, keeping me from forgetting about the baby coming on Christmas…. This cutie-patootie baby in his stroller, the grandson of a friend, was an easy happy loving cute baby – the kind of baby that induces those mom emotions of ‘I want another’… We were at the Living Nativity and I so wanted to take the baby out and give him to Mary to hold… but I certainly was not going to disturb a super happy baby content in his warm comfortable stroller, while the baby’s father and grandmother had their hands full with two jovial rambunctious and running children… this four month baby was so giggly so smiley and so cute. A friend asked me jokingly, ‘I didn’t know you had another baby?’ and I said I had this baby the easy way, I stole him. Maybe it was good I couldn’t hold this baby, it prevented me from keeping him forever.

It’s not lost on me that even in a living nativity, the baby is largely ignored. Mary doesn’t hold the baby, yes I know it is a doll as a prop, but when I played Mary I held the baby. Someone even commented that I was supposed to put the baby back in the manger… we aspire to our Hallmark card images… if I know Mary, she was probably holding the baby…

So three days, three babies, do I get an unexpected baby today too?
Today is Christmas Eve. Tomorrow is Christmas and I think I need to be in labor now, I need to anticipate the arrival of a new baby, but this one in my heart. I feel an increasing labor pain that I must give birth to a savior for me. An increasing labor pain to trump emotional pain? Or emotional pain to labor the concept the Jesus is real in me? My heart had never felt so ready to accept baby Jesus, my brain and my questions of his existence are catching up, slowly…but my heart is like a giant helium balloon lifting and carrying my brain with it…we are all headed to the delivery room. I do have spiritual doctors and nurses ready to assist. There will be tears, pain then healing and joy. There will be a Merry Christmas for me. I believe.

 

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A Poinsettia Prayer, 23DEC

A beautiful showy poinsettia is often misunderstood… botanically-speaking.  Its big flowers a beautiful splash of red. Christmas red with the evergreen brings cheer.

But, those big red flowers or white pink speckled – they are not flowers at all.

No, they are leaves (botanically speaking they are bracts). The flowers are barely noticed – if they are present at all – they are divided into yellow stamens and a nearly invisible pistil deep down below lip-shaped stigma – which is in the shape of a smile.

At the base of the invisible overlooked flower, nestled in the center of showy colorful bracts, is the place where the flower will bear even tinier seeds. The seeds will be enveloped, embraced and provided food to nurture the next generation of baby plants.

Christmas time is full of showy colorful splashes – but its real meaning is often misunderstood – it is really about a tiny baby – a hope for peace not brought on by a giant clashing war to end all wars – but instead by a non-showy tiny sweet baby – who will grow into our hearts and bring peace when enveloped, embraced and provided nourishment.

So look closely this Christmas – not at the showy leaf bracts, but at the tiny flowers – look for the tiny baby – and look for the true meaning of Christmas deep down in the middle of your heart.

Peace.

I did not edit the content of the initial processing writings – for good reason – i knew that one day i would look back and see how far God had taken me in my faith – and wow yes – God has brought me deeper into my faith – especially in my attributes of Mary Magdalene and of Mary in Lazarus’ story – i long to sit at Jesus’ feet these days and learn… it is time for many of us to stop being Martha – Michael Card sings: “Hustle and Business last year after year, but this little baby won’t always be here!”… there are mistakes in here – but i leave them in for understanding the depth of my growth…

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22DEC
Ok –this is the roughest of the writings I had done to date – but wow it flowed when I just stream of conscious wrote – maybe an hour for this – and half an hour in editing – done in the glow of the wonderfully fresh Christmas tree lights – no ornaments on this tree – but as bright and soothing as any tree could be…

thanks for reading – I have no idea why God chose this method of therapy for me – I am filled with questions and maybe he wants them cleared from my head to make room for better thoughts…

Mary and Mary, Dec 22

It’s Christmas – who wants to be Mary?  Every woman and every girl – all of us are jumping with our hands up to be Mary in the play – in the living nativity scenes – we all love Mary – I love Mary…

I love Mary’s blue garments – the dead snake at her feet – the roses and flowers we place at her feet… I got to be Mary once in our living nativity – oh the awesomeness of that… a lifetime of aspirations came true.

Why do the Catholics worship Mary so much and the Protestants so little?  One of the hardest things to get used to for me (and likely for others – when converting/leaving/lapsing from Catholicism to another branch of Christianity is the nagging question: where did Mary go?  Certainly Catholics do not worship Mary as they did in the old days – in the early Christian church – in the middle ages – in the enlightenment – Catholics are not supposed to worship Mary anyway but to “venerate” her…  but let’s face it – Mary is the “end all and the be all” for little catholic girls – we all want to be Mary.

The Hail Mary – Hail Mary, Mother of God, Pray for us sinners – I can still recite it at great speed – recite it word for word without hesitation and recite in a crisis – like when hearing of my father’s stroke – prayers at lightning speed.

So why is it that protestant churches shun Mary so much? Let’s save that discussion for another time – because I just don’t know – I personally don’t think she takes anything away from God or from Jesus…yes, ok, she was thrust into rock-star-like status – but that’s not her fault…she is still the mother of God. She is still the holiest chosen woman no matter what fantasy…make believe…non-historically accurate trappings we attach to her.

May is Mary’s month –  oh the first crocuses then the daffodils then the lilacs – I so looked forward to those early first spring flowers – the first ones picked and wrapped in a wet paper towel and aluminum foil to carefully carry by hand into elementary school (I went to catholic school) where every classroom had a statue of Mary…  Oh to place those flowers by her feet – their smell and their blooms so abundant – I still think of the abundance gifts of spring when I smell that scent.  Oh if we were Mary, the mother of Jesus… oh how we would love to get those flowers…

Although we (or I) aspire to be Mary –  mother Mary – I have to wonder if I am not already or supposed to aspire to be the second Mary – Mary Magdalene.  I am certainly not like that third Mary of the bible, Mary the sister of Lazarus and Martha – we (I mean I) are too Martha-ish –  I am worrying about this detail and that – I don’t think I can sit and listen to the Lord like Mary – I am certainly not taking the time to sit and read the bible enough (maybe I will get the bible on CD and listen to it in the car – multitask! ). Yes I am  truly Martha… Jesus rightfully scolds me – I mean scolds Martha:  ““you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one.” Yes – wish me luck on aspiring to be that listening thoughtful Mary – probably will take all my life to become her…maybe I will never get there.

Back to the second Mary – Mary Magdalene – my limited wiki research on her says that some accounts of her said she was a prostitute – some said she was a sinner – some were of a possessed woman – some said she had multiple personalities – which is the right story? – too many bible translations and non-bilical combating scholars – no wonder people are confused on which religion to be a part of – but again I digress – that is another discussion for another time…  and also – what about this notion that  mental illness is the devil?  another discussion for another time – intriguing….  ugh so many questions clogging up my brain….

Mary M – are we her?  We ARE sinners – YES!  We are prostitutes??? Hmm… well, let’s hope we are not prostitutes in “that” way – but yes we are all prostitutes selling our souls out for phony rewards, non-important reasons – we are caught in the trappings of modern society – so yes I could consider us all prostituting ourselves for our own gain…

Mary M as someone with mental illness – oh dear – the amount of mental illness in our world, just swept under the rug and hidden – not discussed – that is a sin – that is the plaque of our modern time – the pain and shame – it’s tragic… we can’t fix these situations if we don’t choose to see them – to acknowledge they exist!   Did Jesus cast out Mary M’s mental illness – to show a miracle to the others – and help them believe he was God? Or was he healing Mary M for Mary’s own sake?…  If Jesus thought so highly of curing the mentally ill – then why are we so blind to the needs of our time and why can we just ignore mental illnesses – ugh…tragic tragic tragic.

 

Mary as possessed by the devil…   hmmm…  another essay for another time on my thoughts on the devil….  the devil as mental illness – hmmmm….

 

Mary M was “cured” “discipled” “brought into the fold” – an apostle in her own right – one of the chosen few who witnessed Jesus’ journeys, teachings, miracles, and trials first hand.  those women apostles – whom I have heard there were a few – where are their sainted names?  hmmmm….  Mary Magdalene was so revered that she was the first – yes the first! – to know Jesus rose from the tomb – wow- not even his own mother!  she was the first to go on with her duties as a woman to take care of the dead body – she didn’t hesitate to go into the tomb when the other women stopped – she was the first to be blessed to witness and believe with her own eyes – she went from “worst to first” – she came from the furthest reaches of sinfulness – from the furthest spiritual distance (by choice or circumstance) from the righteous ways of God – she journeyed the furthest and made it into the fold – made it to the first to hear of the Resurrected Christ and then yes – she told the others too – she was bold and was able to speak of Jesus.

In this time of Christmas – we await the birth of Christ – we are called to give birth to a child placed in our hearts – to raise and nurture the Jesus within us – and while we do admire Mary – mother Mary – to be impregnated by that holiest of spirits, giving up her body to birth a God – not to mention to be entrusted to raise baby Jesus – it was no small task and we dream we had her strength and could be so blessed.

But let’s also remember that we should aspire to be the other Mary too –  Mary Magdalene – let’s not hesitate to embrace our Mary Magdalene – to be willing to be healed by God for all our sins and imperfections, to witness to the miracles of the Lord, to perform our dutiful callings even in the times of greatest crisis, to be willing to be bold and enter the tomb – and most of all – to tell others of the risen Christ.

4 – 22DEC God Sighting

Today, with the thought of the Michael Card song “Come to the Cradle, come and find peace” in my head…I walked past my door decoration at work for maybe the five hundredth time (I wrap my door every year…the only decoration I had time to put up this year) …and  I put it up a month ago, thinking it was festive without being too religious in a secular work setting…

Well it hit me  just then that it was a PEACE DOVE as in the Prince of Peace Jesus… I verbally gasped…geez…really God? my inner Darth Vader said “the force is strong with this one”

Wow

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Note:  This piece is really telling it all…where I was – and OH – HOW I HAVE GROWN!  Wow! 30 essays in one months time after this  had put me right on track and ready to stop being embarrassed about where I was – and I needed to confess this to put it aside and allow God to work on me – and wow has He ever!  Please please please – don’t judge me for where I was – but I hope you can appreciate where I am now and where I am going…  because this has been the most amazing experience for me to know and accept Jesus…  

Lego Christianity, 18Dec

I have loaded up my brain and my heart with the tenants of my Christian faith for years and years. I have most if not all of pieces, probably lots of duplicates…see they are like Lego pieces, little snippets of scripture, interpretation and beliefs…also included are fluff pieces, good advice and the trappings of the commercialization of Christmas.

I carry these Lego pieces, but I didn’t snap then in yet. They are there but I didn’t have the instructions or maybe I have been purposely ignoring the instructions of how to put them together in the right order. Or maybe struggling to take them out after placing in them in the wrong order. Do you know how hard it is to undo a Lego piece?

Legos in this day and age are no longer sold as loose blocks, like when I was a kid, but instead they are puzzle kits…combining those plastic model aircraft kits of my youth with easy snap into place segments.

One of my joys of putting together those pieces is when I feel and hear the clink clink clink sound when you root around in this big batch of all the random pieces trying to find that next piece…it’s that activity of finding the right piece…a three dimensional physical “I got it” feeling. Then snap, put it into place.

I have had these Lego pieces of Christianity for awhile; just never felt my brain and my heart were in sync. Been recently pondering Christmas and Christ…I spoke in Sunday school to the kids and mentioned that “Christ is Coming” but really He came two thousand years ago and we celebrate his coming…rather than him physically coming every year. Later I was listening to a CD of an advent service from last year, which included a wonderfully moving and spirit-filled sermon of a friend,  whose spiritual messages I can relate to. In that service I heard another friend, read the interpretation of the first candle of Advent, HOPE. Paraphrasing what she said…”why is Jesus coming every year? He is coming new to so many people each year…” Oh…wish I had said THAT in Sunday school…that does make sense. Lego piece absorbed…add it to the mix.

I am too busy to attend the church service, I am in the building, mostly with the kids…but when I can, I find the contemporary music and meaning so wonderful. I have been lacking spiritual growth…except for when I prepare UMW, VBS and Sunday school curriculum…
… I had been in that spiritual growth drought for so long that when I realized that God was knocking on my brain to make it catch up with my heart, it caught me by surprise. I was preparing months ago my own Sunday school curriculum for a science-based lesson because I didn’t think there was enough science connection in the lesson about Jesus’ stories…about how his stories were used to encourage non-believers to open their hearts to the existence and good of God.

I incorporated (with a cool messy hands-on experiment) the use of a catalyst… And snap…my deliberate disbelief – questioning Jesus actually being God – maybe he was just another prophet with a good publicist – maybe it’s a great group of stories… well, all that crumbled..  my brain cracked open to the possibility that Jesus was real. It dawned on me that if Jesus was real, maybe God brought him to us to be the catalyst for change. More than just a Lego piece absorbed, more like a Lego piece and one of those green square bases to build things on…

This look for more spiritual growth lately is just like when I took biochemistry in college and had to learn it from the book, self taught, because my professor wasn’t good, I find now that I have to seek out and find my own way spiritually… another friend once said you’ve got a library card now go figure out what book you want to check out…
…I have found help… I have meditated on the scriptures presented within the 4 messages that a new friend, who also is a guest sermonist, delivered. The teachings are not cliff notes for the Bible, they are not like watching a movie to teach the Bible, but the sermons are making the Bible come alive in the context of our lives… in MY life.  One sermon on Joseph, one on the great commission… the holy spirit, one on father’s day about “I am the vine, you are the branches” and how God prunes us to bear more fruit, and one on worship:

“Worship, like salvation, is a personal decision. It is an expression of the individual’s relationship with God and it is the spiritual condition of the worshiper that determines whether God is at work. If your worship experience doesn’t change you, you should consider your approach to it. ”

John 4:23 ”Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. ²⁴ God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.”

And song, “Come to the Cradle come and find peace..” – that is a big Lego piece.

Lego piece accepted.

While making copies of the CDs of these sermons and the church Christmas music for a couple of friends who also don’t get to sit in church, I was checking Facebook.  I noticed I was added to a group named “church” from a not so tech savvy friend, who likely confused making a group with a grouped friend lists…oh well…. Anyway, a friends’ son, who is a young new scholar-pastor-dad, posts “what is this???” I jokingly replied that its or mutual friend learning Facebook and playing with the Facebook-time-space continuum. Then I clicked his page to see his posts… I read how he was mourning this Christmas by reading the old prophets telling of the coming of Jesus. I didn’t read the whole post at first (which included so much recent world strife, mass murders close to home) and I messaged him to say “why mourning?”

I give thanks for this little nugget that he gave me to focus my mind on…  “What to mourn is the sin and death and injustice in our world, the very reason the world needs a Savior so badly”.
I have has done small and large bursts of spiritual growth over this last year, and it is likely not a coincidence that that statement hits me just right where my thought process is today…big Lego piece accepted.

The previous night I wrote a piece called the Christmas Flood. Speaking to how Christmas is a deluge of rain good rain but too much rain, that could flood us and wash away our carefully planted spiritual seeds in our gardens, unless we prepare for the excess rain and protect ourselves… spiritual uplifting, soaking nutritive rain in the form of His message comes from God but only when we prepare for this rain…then we can let it soak in…
…It was me playing with the Legos of Christianity in my head while writing it… But I was forgetting about Advent being a mini-Lent, a time of repentance and prayer not just for ourselves but for others to give up their bad ways…for us and others to realize that we need Christ to come to save the world… we need His example… we need to absorb and portray His example…. then at Easter, realize He opens our path to heaven…but that can’t happen until He comes to each person first… so yes, Jesus is God and comes each year.

Snap, I put the right Lego piece in, the little ones and the big ones… they fit, they are in the right order now. I need to builds more on them…to wiggle them some to make sure I can fit some other new ones in. You can never be done building… Amen

2 – This is my pivotal first piece to process what I didn’t know what was coming to me – a monumental earth-shattering life change – but it came… like a FLOOD

Christmas Flood, 17DEC 

Christmas is like a flood of spiritual emotion, not a light or sustained soaking rain that allows the parched ground to slowly open up and absorb the much needed rain. Christmas is like that short downpour deluge of flooding rain, where only some water gets to the plants and the rest runs off into the gutters or low points. Like in modern construction, we (our spiritual souls) need to set aside flood plains, safe drainage areas so that the spiritual seeds that we have planted all year long aren’t washed away … that the parched spiritual soul is not choked by flood waters. So we can nurture, patiently, our delicate growing belief that God works in our lives every day.

We need sustaining rainfall. We pray for rain, yet do we prepare for it? In the movie “Facing the Giants”, the coach of a “bad news bears”-like football team is finding the need for an emotional awakening (as well as improved football skills) both for his team and himself. A colleague relates to him the story of the two farmers in a drought…two farmers looked to God for rain, but only one prepared for it, so which fields receive the much needed rain? The gist of the quote from the movie is:

“I heard a story about two farmers who desperately needed rain. And both of them prayed for rain, but only one of them went out and prepared his fields to receive it. Which one do you think trusted God to send the rain?” Well, the one prepared his fields for it. Which one are you? Mr. Bridges (the older advisor) continued. “God will send the rain when He’s ready. You need to prepare your field to receive it.”

“Which one are you? God will send the rain when He is ready. You need to prepare your field to receive it.”

Christmas finds us year after year flooded with buckets of wasted non-nourishing rain, excessive tinsel-covered giant hailstones and mud mud mud clogging and blocking our spiritual path…. If only we set up rain collection barrels to collect the deluge of Christmas excess rain to save some for watering our souls after the new year, to use all winter until we get to the next soaking rains of Easter, the greens of spring, the rebirth thru resurrection.

How can we prepare for rain? How can we dig trenches for excess while welcoming the much needed spiritual lift that comes with a baby in a manger. How can we? Pray. Pray for guidance. Pray for peace and clarity in your heart. Pray for the calming presence of God. And prepare. Prepare for the arrival for both spiritual and non-spiritual abundance. While you need to appreciate and delineate between the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season and that of the showy, wing-flapping commotion caused by angels dragging your soul to the cradle…while you need to appreciate and delineate between your heart bursting with Christmas joy (think Dr Seuss’ Grinch’s heart growing “three sizes that day”) and your head saying ‘slowdown, wait, don’t get swept away with emotion’ ….

Either way, you need to prepare your fields for rain.

Please Note – this is the first writing at the beginning of my awakening – Dec 10, 2014 – This is NOT where I am NOW in my faith – I did not write this first writing to a particular person – I never intended to share it – it is the pre-awakened state with the acknowledgement of something turning in my head – In hindsight it is clear to me what was about to happen – I still don’t know why i wrote it except I was up in the late night on the computer and I wrote it and then hid it for over a week – I was so embarrassed as to where I was – because I am a faithful follower of God and the president of my UMW group and a sunday school teacher and in charge of Vacation Bible School – and yet I was 50:50 iffy on Jesus being the one and only Son of God – I am so beyond this writing now – I am so 100% with Jesus and acknowledge that God and God alone caused this change in me – opening up my ears and eyes just at the right time… After I wrote this piece and the following 2 pieces (Dec 17 Christmas Flood and Dec 18 Lego Christianity) I shared them with one person only whom I was sure was sure in his faith and private enough to help me settle the dust without exposing that I didn’t know where my faith really was – I was embarrassed but really simply asleep – so I printed and hid my first 10 writings or so in my car – I held them then had to ask for help to clarify this sandstorm in my brain – I have ALWAYS been the type person who needs to talk out a situation to settle the storms in my own head…  This was the biggest storm and yet the most clear calling.

And so now – I am NOT EMBARRASSED to share this with you  – if you read forward in my posts (Dec 17th and 18th and all up until Jan 31, 2015) you will see that I was awakening, you will see how much I have changed (Feb 1st is my 100% WITH JESUS date – the rest of the blogs are sometimes processing and all praise praise praise.  

Again – if anything I pray that others realize that God is alive and He is herding us until we are hearing Jesus call us to wake up… Jesus is my Lord and Savior – I now KNOW His TRUTH. Thank you God!!!!

Downloaded from My Brain and Heart 10DEC2014

So – my doubts and my brain do not allow me to yet fully believe that Jesus existed as son of God. I do believe that Jesus existed at least as a person – but was he truly a part of God? Was he God? Was he invented by humans who wanted to believe he was God? Why was he here – why was he here recently in time and not thousands of years ago? Was God portioned in multiple existences many times in history – how would we ever even know that? i want to reconcile my brain and my heart – i want to “figure it all out” but i know that i need to be patient – i need to let God work in my heart and in my brain to bring it all together – i believe that we as humans are made to doubt – to question and to wonder – i ask for God’s patience with me and His mercy at my doubts.  i truly appreciate that i am a child of God.

I have no doubts in God’s existence – i know that everything is possible with God – i am a true believer that He created the world – He was there at the big bang – He had/has a plan for the whole universe – he has a plan for us – He is not dead as the existentialists would say – (“where there is no purpose or explanation at the core of existence… there is no God or any other transcendent force”) – i do not believe this – i often has wondered in my youth if God was invented by people who longed for a God – longed for a meaning in their collective lives – it is a wonder to me why we as humans wonder at all…  why do we have a consciousness? – i do believe that i have seen evidence of God everyday – i believe that God is the one who gives us consciousness – we are truly blessed by our emotions – by our appreciation of the world around us – why else would we perceive good and bad, sweet and sour, happy and sad… we are not limited as the only ones with consciousness – cats, dogs, elephants, dolphins, many mammals all have obtained a certain level of consciousness… yet we as humans have a sense of community and consciousness as well as compassion – we are blessed and we should be aware that we need to be stewards of the world around us.

I have reconciled my brain with my heart for many aspects of God – i am a scientist and i question – i am a fan of history and i question knowing that “history was written by the winners, the conquerors”. I have reconciled my brain with my heart for the existence of evolution- i have no doubts, i have actual proof (or the absence of disproving theories) in my everyday life – i see evolution in the DNA and RNA i study – i see fossil records – I see adaptations – it is truly real and the world has been around much much longer than some Jewish philosophers would have us believe…the world is billions of years old, not 6000. we are blessed to have a fossil record – we are blessed to be able to study the evolution of organisms – we are blown away by the complexity in the intricacies in how living creatures exist –  the world was created by God – but who are we to pencil God into just seven days – who said these days were 24 hrs – who said these days were not taking place over millions of earth years – who says these days were defined by the world having already been here and stable?  i have reconciled my brain and heart to know that with God all things are possible and we are totally not at His level to prove or disprove how he created the universe.  i have reconciled my brain and heart to the story of Noah – i love the story – and yet it may be a story for a certain region – again all things with God are possible…  but we have so much time of verbal history before written history – we can debate Noah at some other time…  I do believe in God’s rainbow- I do believe that God made us a promise that he would take care of us – I do believe we are chosen for some reason – i am humbled at the gifts God has given us – and at our ability to appreciate them.

I do believe that God has a sense of humor! Events and timing that have to make us question our motivations.  I do believe in miracles – in healing the sick – in preventing car crashes – in putting the right people in the right place at the right time.  i do not know why there is pain and suffering in the world – but why should we know that…  we are not God.  i would challenge the people who believe in only fate – and don’t believe that we can change our fate – i would challenge non-believers (even though some of my best friends and family are non-believers). i do believe the God got the world rolling – but steps in to tweak the system – angels are all around us.  and we are also called upon to be angels when needed – we are to live in community and in harmony.

i do believe that all peoples – all cultures – have one God – i do believe that the American Indians’ mother earth – the turtle – is our God. i do believe that the roman and greek gods were a way of life for many to believe – but that even though they were given many names, they were collectively our one God.  i do believe that muslims and jews, christians and everyone can co-exist with the collective appreciation that we are all one body – all worshiping and co-existing one Great God.

History – history was written by the winners – the conquerors – masses of people were lead and still are lead by rulers and philosophers and philosophies that brainwash peoples into sets of thoughts. Waring factions fight each other in the name of God – but it is the same God on both sides – why?  why should we know why this happens?
History – the rapid advances in technology – from the creation of paper, the creation of the printing press, the expanding sharing of insights and knowledge of past events – this rapid spread of information is fairly recent – was there previous knowledge that was recorded in ways that were lost to us in our current time?  what was in that library at Alexandria? – what have we lost in knowledge? what has been written by the winners the conquerors?  what has been lost to us?

i do believe that the bible is true – but i don’t know that. I would hope that everything in the bible is true  but the interpretations and translations have made by humans, not God,  humans share the bible but humans have also hampered our understanding of the truth…  the sheer number of translations and opinions of what passages mean – that leads to doubt in the true meaning…  i am comforted in the existence of the Dead Sea Scrolls – i pray for their authenticity – i am comforted in the perceived match between the dead sea scrolls and modern translations. i unfortunately believe that humans have used the bible in their own selfish ways – in directed thought – in misinterpretation for their own causes…  i am suspicious of human intentions.

i do believe that the main message of the bible is love – i believe that even if the bible were invented – that the reason behind that invention was still love – an intention to harmonize us – to achieve a higher existence as peaceable peoples…

but i do not feel God is angry with me for my doubts – i do believe that some people put their angers and biases against me and against others who don’t believe the exact same way they do.  i don’t know why God allows us to be us – perhaps its God’s sense of humor again – perhaps God is playing God….

i do believe that God has brought me to this place for a reason – He has placed my doubts in my head and not necessarily my heart – he has challenged me to search – to find the good in all things – to continue a journey of discovery and questioning – every opening of my new knowledge of God and his doings only opens more questions – more challenges – more opportunities to love God more.  i am truly blessed more than cursed that  i am a doubter. Thank you God.

i love teaching the works of God – i love showing the love of God – i love challenging us to be better.  this past year i taught a sunday school science-themed class.  it was about stories that Jesus told and how they worked to teach people – to challenge their thoughts and change their hearts… i decided to add a chemical reaction experiment to the class -to of course make it very hands on and exciting – we used hydrogen peroxide soap and yeast to make big foamy fun… Yeast (a living organism) was a catalyst for this reaction. the catalyst in a reaction makes the reaction go faster – the chemical reaction was already moving in that direction but the catalyst reduced the resistance to the reaction – it sped up the reaction.  Jesus is a catalyst – it dawned on me while preparing that lesson that Jesus was the catalyst sent by God to make the world change faster – to accelerate the reaction – to speed up the causes of love and goodness – to prepare us to be more God like – to allow us to go to Heaven for eternal peace.  It dawned on me that this scenario fit my heart and my brain – my spiritual understanding of the need for Jesus – my doubts… I still have doubts – but wow – if this were really true – it made so much sense….  it didn’t mean that God didn’t intervene before and won’t intervene again – but it allowed me to acknowledge to myself that Jesus was real – that perhaps we were the lucky ones to have this catalyst in our lives today….  perhaps the over-exaggerations by humans in the writings and teachings were still there – but either way – this was still a good move on God’s part – to allow the work of Jesus to spread.  A catalyst allows the reaction to take place without it itself undergoing a change. God never changes.  That works in my head and my heart.

I also this past year started to listen more to my needs for spiritual growth – i have had spurts of mentors and pastors and teachers who have enlightened me – people in the right place at the right time… i am not so special that this only happens to me – no – this happens to many many lucky people – God has infinite power and resources – we are not to believe that we are the only special ones in the universe and yet we are very special and unique in God’s love.

Religious figures were not always catalysts in my deepening of my understanding of my own faith – but some spiritual leaders have been… one such person was my friend in grad school – who was training as a shaman – a genuine true gentle soul with understandings of the world and the teachings from around the world. One day he told me my hands were the brightest green aura – super bright – meaning what i was going to do with my hands that day were truly profound and meaningful activities – this could have been as simple as making something – but his insight was that there was determination in my hands and my whole being that day – i don’t know how or what was his vision, but that touched me that day – we have a purpose-driven existence – to use your talents and powers to do powerful things. Once, a former pastor spoke to my heart – Rev D spoke to my heart while i was faultering and searching – I was in a rough spot just before i was able to enter my final stages in grad school – one of the most challenging times in my life – soul searching and struggling. Her personal stories and heart tugging messages were exactly what i needed at the right time. For my whole life i have been heartened by friends who walk the walk and have the genuine ability to share their genuine faith.  My faith also has grown in my understanding of my non-believer friends.  some of my dearest friends are of different religions and also of no religion – i see their goodness and perhaps cynical look at the religious establishment as the roadblock for them to believe in God – and yet they are good people – there is God in them. Sadly my faith or lack of faith has been challenged by others  yet this has enabled me to look inward for my motivations and not seek others for approval of my faith. My most motivation is to be me – to live a purposeful and optimistic life – this came when i was teen – God knows what happened – and God was there to move me back and move me forward.

Most recently my teachings to my students – my desire to figure out how to reconcile my doubts and my teachings and to seek more opening of my heart to the possibilities for me to believe in Jesus – these have all touched me recently – perhaps the ushering in of the christmas season has heightened the awareness of this movement in my heart which started almost a year ago  – and yet i am not ready to have an “Eureka” moment – i am trying to fill my soul with patience and nurturing love – so not to crash and burn – it takes time to nurture new thoughts – especially when i require my sand storm in my brain to settle down so that i can see clearly.  i needed to write this out – to ponder over it – to “download it from my brain”.  i have found new or renewed avenues of spiritual growth recently that i was lacking or ignoring – too busy to take time for myself – but i will try to keep my ears open (listen to the word more, study the bible more) and allow myself to grow in love for God and hopefully, prayerfully, for Jesus. these are private thoughts for me – but thoughts that God has known of me, forever.

Thanks God.

These blog pages will detail my writings as I was awakening to the wonderful Life I now have in Jesus – I have been unbelievably blessed and i write not to boast but so that I could encourage you all to have deep faith discussions with God as well.    Welcome the possibilities of life when Jesus fills your heart and you put your trust in HIM.  Be a Child of God – GOD LOVES YOU!!!!!

Prologue (written mid 2015):

So, I have been having private conversations with God – but writing them – I have no idea why God chose this method of therapy for me, but from December to January I have written over 30 pieces….  My biggest realization is that I was not feeding myself spiritually enough…even though I have been working so hard to feed my fellow church family, I was only taking tiny bites on the run… I love teaching Sunday school because it is a way to learn the material and the perspective of a child learning it for the first time.  I had a break through teaching Sunday school and this Christmas flood (the first essay) happened to me.  And this first devotional told me to save the Christmas rain and use it all year – and I have been writing and writing almost every day – just about 30 pieces now in just one month… some pieces are good for certain people in their situations and others for others…  and the writing has been my drainage ditch for the flood waters – and I can dip back into them when needed…and send the right one to the right person. Little did I know that I made a prophetic statement when I posted on facebook in early December that I needed to 1) go to see a favorite annual Christmas house display and 2) go to our church Christmas band concert the first Sunday of December – both I needed to prepare myself for Christmas –  as you would put on an oxygen mask on an airplane – put it on you first before you put the masks on others…  SO – little did I know that it was CHRISTMAS that would be my oxygen mask for the rest of my life forward…

I have reached out to others to help me in this journey – I could not do it alone – but my fear was being laughed at or judgmentally scoffed at. The most Christ-like quality I have experienced in my conversations with my spiritual guides has been their sincere non-judgmental support…

Because my brain and my heart haven’t been in sync about God and Jesus…I have been a combination of ignorant and skeptical questioning…and for me to have these beliefs while I have been in the leadership positions that I am in… wow … I think people would freak. But I am certain now that God has been putting some corrective action on me in order for me to pull in people like myself…and help others who like me have to “get themselves out of the way” and just believe, just have Faith…and I have the best church family…when I have approached the table, I have been feed so much…  I am now a sincere seeker. I have been asking to learn to “walk humbly with God” and prayed for the right words – to have the Holy Spirit give me the right words at the right time.

I realize that the best way to share these revelations would be in person, chatting with you individually…. but I feel that I have been writing for a reason – to share this growth with a wider audience – I really think that at some point I am going to share these more publically – but for now – I have been sharing them with a few people – some to some folks, others to others…  and the writing has been so good – allowed me to dump my brain and keep going…  actually had over 30 pieces in just a month – yeah – I can’t believe it either…  [editor note – it is over 300 pieces for a whole year]

After a slow start of sharing with individuals – one then three then five then seven then twelve, it is getting so much easier and easier…and even now I am so looking forward to individual people whom I am going to share my journey with – I am looking each and every day for the right opportunities – and God has opened the conversations up.  Sometimes the conversation wasn’t right – it was not the time…but most have been so amazing and so encouraging…   One that made me shake – was the most amazing discussion with my Pastor – about a month after the Christmas Flood – it was time to have this discussion –and after a dinner, I saw an open opportunity and I just tried to find the words to describe this profound spiritual growth… and HE ALREADY KNEW – HE SAW IT- that blew me away…  and then like a flood gate opening – everything I have been going through came out and it is was GOOD. And the gate is open now.

So now I share with YOU – MY FRIENDS – MY DEAR FRIENDS –  whether you know me or not, I hope and pray that you can listen to your heart – get your brain in the right place and listen to the phrase:  “BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD”  Christianity is a journey – sometimes it rolls faster than others – sometimes you climb and sometimes you coast…  I can see God has put me on a track and I am climbing a mountain for a reason – and I hope to encourage those around me to climb too…  And in all of it – THANK GOD!

 

My dearest friends,
God makes everything fall into place in a way only HE could… God knows our hearts and knows where HE wants us to grow…
God IS the ONLY one who knows where life will take you… God took me as imperfect as I am… So I am sure that God wants you too!

We have Questioning… He has Answers!

God found me right where I was and had Jesus hold out His hand until I took it. I did. I reached and Jesus pulled me up. He awakened me as if I was sleeping in my faith. I am not embarrassed as to where I was – but I am SO grateful to be where I am now.

Jesus is in our hearts to give us salvation in God’s eternal kingdom we need to welcome Him openly. Once we welcome Jesus as a gift from God, it’s OUR turn to offer our lives to HIM. Trust me, you will be eternally blessed if you do!

We are ALIVE for God’s almighty plan.

Please allow me to humbly share my LOVE of God’s hand in my life over this past year… I have written my year-long journey in a blog format while I was awakening and continue to write devotions and praises. I was not in crisis, except that I had not fully accepted Jesus. I had to write to process these life-altering experiences… God knew it was time to open my eyes, ears, heart, brain and soul and acknowledge Jesus as the WAY, the TRUTH and the LIGHT. God is my ALL in ALL… And I delight in the joys that He has bestowed on me before and after this realization.

My writing is not perfect but neither am I. This blog will release my writings chronologically.  It is important to know that from #1 to # 52 are for my awakening – IN THAT ORDER – because you will see my actual awakening – God MADE ME WRITE – I did not chose this but in hindsight I can see why God made me write – I highly recommend writing out your faith to you as well!!!

Of course please know that I am not an ordained minister or even have academic bible training – I am just a fellow traveler in this world.

Please know that God loves every single one of you because HE wants ALL of us to be whole for the WHOLE of His Kingdom. He wants us to know Jesus so personally and depend on Him.

Thank you for your love and support of me and ALL of God’s family. God bless you and keep you in the palm of His hands.

LOVE, JOY, PEACE, and SMILES

Debbie